"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen."
-Winston Churchill
The consistent gridlock on Capital Hill, the egoizing of the NBA Players Lockout, the frustration of Occupy Wall Street and Elsewhere, the anger of Union strife; the news is full of communication breakdown. Everyone wants to be listened to, but few seem to be just as committed to listening. It’s wearying, truly.
The dissent? No, disagreeing is not the problem. EVERY system needs challenge and confrontation, both from within and from without. Families need it, schools need it, companies need it, churches need it, and governments need it. It keeps us open, and accountable, and vital, and attuned to the heartbeat of what is most true.
So people who are willing to stand up and speak, especially when what they have to say is not going to meet with ready approval are necessary. But communication is about more than speaking.
True communication is about talking AND listening. And if, as the experts say, 70% of communication is non-verbal, are you attending to more than just words in your conversations? What are the “roll of the eyes,” the “check of the watch,” the “shake of the head,” the “quick text”, and the “not-so-subtle yawn” saying to you?
In your own efforts to be seen, to be heard, to be right, what are you not hearing? Because of fear, or pride, or impatience, or all of the above, what are you missing? What do you NEED to hear from your partner, or parent, or child...from friend or "foe"? What are the difficult conversations that need to happen in your world?
Real communication, in the end, is about seeking understanding before agreement. And this can’t be done if you’re not willing to stand up and speak…and then sit down and listen. But as Churchill points out, it takes courage…because you may hear something you don’t want to hear, you may learn something about yourself that needs addressing, you may learn that you don’t know as much as you thought, your comfort zone might get stretched, and you may on occasion even get your head handed to you. O.K., and you might also grow, heal, bond, love, make the world a better place, and even find some peace along the way.
Peace through confrontation? Now you’re talking….and listening!
Question for reflection: How well do you communicate?
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About Me
- Ross Porter
- Dr. Ross Porter received his B.A. from the University of California, Santa Barbara, and his Master of Divinity (Theology) and Ph.D. (Clinical Psychology) degrees from Fuller Theological Seminary, where he first became interested in the integration of psychology and spirituality. He is a teacher, author, counselor, and consultant, specializing in integrative psychology, virtue ethics and family systems. He has taught at the high school, college, and graduate school levels. Ross is also the Founder and Executive Director of Stillpoint Family Resources, a non-profit organization that offers counseling services to individuals, couples, and families in crisis, with nine different office locations throughout Ventura, Los Angeles and Orange Counties (specific office locations can be found at www.stillpointfamilyresources.org). In 2009, Dr. Porter was named an “Outstanding Angeleno” by the Los Angeles Daily News. Ross and his wife Jennifer have been married for 21 years, and have four beautiful children. John Michael, their son who has Down Syndrome is their first born.
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