Facing Pain

"There is no coming to consciousness without pain." -Carl Jung

Jung is right, of course. There is no coming to consciousness, no "waking up to reality" if you will without pain. Whether it arrives physically, emotionally, or spiritually, pain will come knocking. C.S. Lewis once said, "God whispers to us in our pleasure and shouts to us in our pain." This is reality, this is life on planet earth. Lots of wonderful, beautiful, fun, loving experiences, but always with a pinch of pain tossed into the mix here and there (and sometimes even more than just here and there). This is not Heaven.

The point of this life is to learn how to love and grow up, to help others learn to love and grow up, and to prepare for eternity. This doesn't happen without pain. Sure wish it did, but it doesn't.

But as someone who feels pain, as someone who works with people in pain all the time, and as someone who (like millions of others around the world) is trying to embrace all that is Holy Week, simply feeling pain is not enough.

People in pain can be quite dangerous, destructive, crazed...like wounded animals. They have not come to "consciousness," to awareness and mindfulness. Or maybe they have, and concluded that objective reality is not what they're willing or able to embrace.

What do we do with pain when it comes? This is the key question. Do we pretend like we don't feel it? Do we get busy, compulsive, frantic with activity? Do we isolate? Do we go to war against real or perceived enemies (anger is a popular hiding place for those attempting to manage pain)?

Or do we feel, and bring the pain into relationship with trusted others (asking for accountability, guidance, support, and love). Feel, and work to place the pain in a larger context of meaning and purpose (what can be learned about the world, human nature, and all that I have to be grateful for?). Feel, and choose to let the pain educate us about where we need to grow up (immaturity, entitlements, and illusions). Feel, and choose to purify, mortify the parts of us that need to die (pride, sloth, greed...shoot, just choose your own favorite deadly sin and insert here)?

Life is difficult. Pain is inevitable. No use denying. So let's learn what we can, seize the opportunity for transformation, face reality as head-on as possible, stay connected to life-giving people and institutions, and recognize that the pain we feel (however debilitating, terrifying, crushing, or maddening) is only part of the much larger reality of our lives. Let's not hide... for our sakes, for the sakes of our loved ones, and for the sake of this hurting world. Because if we can summon enough courage to live in truth, pain will not have the final word. And resurrection will become much more than a theory.

World Down Syndrome Day

HAPPY WORLD DOWN SYNDROME DAY TODAY - 3/21 is World Down Syndrome Day. The date was chosen because it points to the third chromosome that attaches to the 21st, causing Trisomy 21, or Down syndrome.

Why do we celebrate this day? Because it is a chance to recognize the giftedness and beauty of our Down syndrome children, and the eternally significant lessons they teach with their very beings. In a larger, deeper sense, though, we should also be celebrating this day because it makes a statement about the inherent value of human life...every human life.

Thank you God for our John Michael, the inspiration for so much including Stillpoint Family Resources. And thank you God for all special needs persons. Our world is a kinder, gentler place because of them.

Attaching the card to the gift

Words matter, especially when it comes to loving: there is no getting around this fact. Love is just too powerful and too important to leave mute. In the midst of one memorable marriage therapy session, I had a husband actually say to me, in front of his wife: “I said I loved her on our wedding day, and if that ever changes, I’ll let her know.” Now, before you judge this man to be a complete jerk, let me say that he is actually a good man…verbally challenged, but a good man. He did many things that communicated love to his spouse and his kids, but these acts of charity were often lost in the busyness of everyday life. Working 50 hours a week in order to provide financial stability for her, responsibly putting away money for their retirement years, and remaining faithful to his wedding vows in mind and body were all ways he believed he was communicating love. And this was true. However, relationships are strengthened when words accompany deeds.

Words clarify intentions, and don’t leave too much open to interpretation (or mis-interpretation). When you give people gifts during the Holidays, you attach a card, right? You let them know who gave them the present by signing your name. Why? Probably because you want them to know you were thinking of them, caring about them, confirming that they matter to you. You don’t typically leave a package outside the doors to their rooms or their houses and silently slip away. The gift is nice, but what matters more (and lasts longer) is that the people receiving the gifts feel loved. Don’t leave them guessing. Say the words that affirm, “I love you,” and make sure your gift is received in the spirit it was given.

Consider your family members, starting with your spouse. How does your husband or wife know you’ve loved him or her today? “I fixed dinner, “I came straight home from work instead of going out with my co-workers,” “I washed the car,” “I did the grocery shopping”: attach an “I love you” to these deeds, and clarify what they meant to you, and what your partner means to you!

“My kids know I love them.” Really, how? Because you are planning for their futures, or paying for their piano lessons, or praying for them at night after they’ve gone to bed? These can all be statements of love, true, but your kids can’t read your mind. And even if they could, there is still something deeply formative about hearing you affirm their preciousness. They don’t always see the world the way you do. Their feelings are not your feelings. Don’t assume; “sign the card”.