Living Thank-You's

"Gratitude is a sickness suffered by dogs.”
-Joseph Stalin

"A man's indebtedness is not virtue; his repayment is. Virtue begins when he dedicates himself actively to the job of gratitude."
-Ruth Benedict

As a child, Ioseb Jughasvili was routinely beaten by his alcoholic father. At seven years-old he contracted smallpox, which left his face badly scarred. By age 12, he had been in two different horse-drawn carriage accidents which resulted in his left arm being permanently disabled. He somehow found his way to the Orthodox Seminary at age 16, but was eventually dismissed because of unpaid debts to the school. After leaving seminary, he became increasingly political and ended up being sent to prison in Siberia seven times.

What happened to this emotionally, physically, and spiritually scarred man? What did he do with his immense pain, and rage, and shame? He decided that he’d spend his life gathering and keeping power, absolute power. That way, he’d never have to be beholden to anyone, never have to be vulnerable again, and never have to admit weakness or need. He even changed his last name to the Russian word for “steel” (stalin), in case someone missed the point.

So what in the name of everything good does Joseph Stalin have to do with gratitude, the virtue he considered “a sickeness suffered by dogs?” As a cautionary tale, a lot! Remember, we learn about virtues by studying life stories…and not just the happy ones. And the monsterous ways Stalin channeled his pain, hardened his heart, and learned to deny the good in himself and others should speak to all of us.

Of course you don’t need to have anything close to a Stalin-esque childhood to feel beaten up by circumstances beyond your control; betrayals, injustices, illnesses, rejections. And you also don’t have to be responsible for the deaths of tens of millions of people like Stalin in order to do significant harm with your suffering.

Life is difficult, and pain is built in to human existence…always has been, and always will be. No one gets a free pass; read the paper, watch the news, look in the mirror. And this is why gratitude is so essential. It helps us return again and again to the positive, and protects us from being victims of pain, and resentment, and despair….and becoming increasingly inhuman in the process.

Gratitude is an attitude of thankfulness and appreciation for life and those who give to us, and celebrates generosity of spirit. It shares the same word stem as grace, and helps us recognize gifts and blessings in our lives, even in the most difficult times. And as we feel grateful and then act as ones who have been cared for, what we do with pain changes. This is when feeling becomes virtue.

I have been given the gift of life, and I will work to protect life.
I have been given the gift of love, and I will love as many people as I can.
I have been given the gift of talents, and I will use my talents to make the world better.
I have been given the gift of forgiveness, and I will forgive those who hurt me.
I have been given the gift of freedom, and I will use my freedom to set others free.

Gratitude is not just about saying thank you, it’s about living thank you.

Question for reflection: What are you doing with the gifts you’ve been given?

The "wow" factor

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.”
-Albert Einstein


Several years ago I was asked to be the guest on a cable television show with a viewership of several million. Really. The Journey Home is a show on EWTN, a cable television network beamed around the world. So, after picking myself off the ground I agreed to fly to Alabama and talk about my faith journey.

In the weeks leading up to my t.v. debut, I found myself imagining this to be my big break. People would like me, want to buy my books, and invite me to come and speak at their churches, schools, and retreat centers. This was going to be very good for business.

I flew to Alabama, taped the show, felt great about the hour long interview, believed I was engaging and charismatic enough, and came home ready for my career to surge to new heights.

And I waited, and waited, and waited.

True, I sold a few books, got some phone calls from folks who saw the show, and received a complimentary letter from the host and producer of the program thanking me for my effort. But my television experience was hardly a professional game-changer.

I admit, I was disappointed. I thought I knew why I was asked to go, and what would happen because of my going. I assumed, and got locked in to my assumptions. And I almost missed the real grace of the trip.

Assumptions can be very dangerous.

Three weeks after my return, I opened an email from a man I’d met in the studio, right after the taping. He had been part of the audience watching the show that night, and we’d spoken. He and I both had sons with Down syndrome. My son survived two heart surgeries, his son did not. I don’t recall saying anything more than what one father would naturally say to another about losing a child. But in the brief exchange and embrace, he was unlocked. And he wrote a simple, heartfelt message thanking me for that moment.

Surprise.

Life is so much deeper and broader than any of us can ever totally imagine; full of these kind of moments that can open us up…to meaning, and beauty, and revelation. But they are easily missed if we are not able to feel awe…and practice awe.

Awe is a recognition of, wonder about, and appreciation for mystery. And in that sense of awe, one is stirred to see and act differently.

Awe helps us explore mystery, not as a problem that needs to be solved, but a blessing that needs to be embraced. It confirms that truth and knowledge are found in “Wow” as well as “Why”, and helps us avoid letting assumptions about how things should be block the miracle of how things are…

And that is awe-some.


Question for reflection: What inspires awe in you?

A Work of Art

“Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.”
-Confucius

Dr. Iain Hutchison is a renowned maxillo-facial surgeon operating on the faces of people who have suffered significant deformities as a result of surgeries, accidents, and attacks. And he understands well that beauty is more than skin deep. This of course is not always an easy message to sell, especially to those whose appearances often draw gawking stares, rude comments, and worse. So out of his own pocket, Hutchison commissioned portrait artist Mark Gilbert to paint the faces of his patients before, after surgery, and in some cases even during surgery. And the “Saving Faces” art project was born. The original goal was to show physical transformation, but soon Hutchison and Gilbert saw that something much more profound was happening.

As Gilbert would begin painting, the patients would become subjects; worthy of time, and attention, and care. They felt special, and as the art continued they began to talk about themselves, and what they thought and felt. Gilbert listened, and painted, and asked questions, and painted, and listened some more. And these human beings felt deeply and lovingly seen…perhaps for the first time in a very long time.

“Everything has beauty but not everyone sees it.”

Mirroring is a term first coined by psychologist Hans Kohut. It refers to the intimate experience one has of being “seen” in the reflection of another’s face. The classic example is a mother-infant interaction where baby and momma make eye contact, and baby coos and momma coos back, and a verbal and non-verbal “conversation” develops into psychological and spiritual nourishing.

Of course mirroring is not limited to infancy narratives. We all continue to need mirroring experiences throughout life, to “see” in the face of another that we matter. Our subjectivity, our uniqueness, our humanity is accepted as precious. That we are beautiful in ways that will outlast the ravages of time, and will not pass away.

It’s not easy to find someone who practices the virtue of mirroring consistently because it takes quality time, psychological presence, the desire to seek understanding over agreement, and the willingness to give without expectation of return. “I want to know you, I want to hear you, I want to see you…in order to celebrate you.”

So, then, how does this miracle happen? How can this miracle happen? One hurting person, one gentle smile, one caring question, one sincere affirmation, one blessed moment at a time. Start small and build. Trust that beauty exists in everyone, beauty that lasts…and then seek it, see it, and share it with the one who is the work of art.

It is nothing less than reconstructive surgery for the soul.

Question for reflection: Who has mirrored for you what is most beautiful about you?

Telling a thousand stories

“Grief ends when a thousand stories are told.”
-Native American saying

Jenni and I arrived in the small town of Bayeux on a late afternoon in June. And because we were still a couple of hours away from dinner time, we decided to dump the suitcases in our room and set out on a walk. Almost immediately, we came upon a sign pointing toward the British war cemetary on the outskirts of town, and we decided to pay our respects. There, just under 4,000 British soldiers are buried, having paid the ultimate price for freedom in the historic invasion of Normandy.

Making our way slowly and reverentially through the rows of tombstones we noticed a still-fresh bouquet of flowers lying on the grave of a twenty year old British soldier who had died the day of the invasion, June 6, 1944. And as we drew closer, I saw a notecard peeking out from beneath the flowers, with the slightly smudged “17 June” visible. The visitor had been there just a day before we arrived. Who would be leaving a handwritten message on a marker that was 64 years-old? My curiosity got the best of me and I gently lifted the bouquet to read the rest of the message.

“Sweetheart, I love you and always will.”

Even now as I type these words I catch my breath; the message was so simple, and so profound. Of course there is much we don’t know about this love. But we do know what matters most…that it endured. Across the years and tears, the love endured. But how?

How much time could these sweethearts have even had together? He was dead, tragically taken, before his twenty-first birthday. Yet, sixty-four years later she returned; still feeling, remembering, and sharing what they had.

Reality is so much more powerful than anything Hollywood could dream up.

Here was a remarkable witness to love…and the roll of grief well done. Love and loss are intimately connected because we live in a world that has endings unavoidably built in. But the virtue that can develop in and through the heartache allows one to experience both, and live on with grace. That’s how she could return.

Grieving is about facing the loss of someone or something precious, and growing through it by finding the love that remains, purified. We can rise above the grip of death when we rest in that which does not die.

Fine philosophy, good theology, but how does one actually, practically grieve? How does one move through sadness, and depression, and the temptation to despair…and find life in what remains?

“Grieving ends when a thousand stories are told.”

I believe grief is done best through story telling. Stop and think of all the wakes, memorial services, and funerals you’ve gone to. What, in the end, is the point? To honor the dead? Sure. But funerals, like cemetaries, are for the living much more than the dead. There, people are actually encouraged to tell stories about the one who has died; funny stories, poignant stories, stories that affirm that this person mattered, and that life matters, and that love doesn’t die. Stories communicate what is most true in ways that are most embraceable.

And they remind the living that the story goes on…as does love.

Question for reflection: Do you tell stories that affirm the lives of those you have loved and lost?