Friday, September 25, 2009

Redefining Disability

“Come, my friends,
’tis not too late to seek a newer world.”
-Alfred, Lord Tennyson


Most special needs children will eventually reach major developmental milestones, they just reach them later than typically developing children. Our son John Michael has proven to be no exception. He crawled later, walked later, talked later, and potty-trained later. I have learned to accept the fact that there is no developmental schedule for John Michael, and celebrate his achievements whenever they come. However, this was much more difficult for me in the first few years of his life.

When John Michael was about 20 months old, Jen and I took him to our Godson’s second birthday party. There, we found ourselves surrounded by “normal” children, who took little or no notice of our little boy. These children were running after each other, playing tag, kicking a rubber ball around, and climbing on play equipment. Jenni had put John-John down in a corner of the yard that wasn’t too busy with activity, near a table of parents, so that he could practice his crawling without getting hurt. As I watched my son smiling in the bright January sunlight, oblivious to the fact that he couldn’t do what the other kids were doing, I became aware that two mothers were watching John-John. As I debated whether or not to go over and introduce myself, I overheard one ask the other, “Is he the retarded one?” I was hurt, and confused about what to do or say, so I just went over and picked John-John up and carried him inside. The woman obviously didn’t realize I was John Michael’s father when she asked the question, and I’m sure she didn’t mean to be cruel. The reality is that Down Syndrome children do stand out. They look different, and behave differently. Their motor skills are not as developed and they process information more slowly than the average child. To one who has not gotten close to a child like John Michael, it is easy to categorize him as “retarded” or “disabled.”

We as a culture all too often define giftedness and intelligence in very narrow terms. What is his I.Q.? What are her grades? How well did he do on his SAT’s? Which colleges was she accepted to? We reduce human beings to isolated functions, and loose humanity in the process. Think of the teaching moments that are squandered, the celebrations missed, the number of children that grow up feeling “stupid”, and the parents that can’t see their children’s God-given abilities because of a set of test scores or a cumulative G.P.A.

In my doctoral studies in clinical psychology, I had neither been offered nor had I sought out any classes on special education. Why bother? I wanted to work with people who could understand, and grow, and change, and lead productive lives. I was glad there were good souls who dedicated their lives to serving mentally handicapped people, but I saw them more as babysitters than anything else. Then John Michael arrived.

An acquaintance who had heard that my son had been born with Down Syndrome introduced me to the work of Dr. Howard Gardner, a professor at Harvard University and the father of Multiple Intelligence theory. Gardner’s thesis is that society in general asks how smart is the child, when it should be asking how is the child smart. The difference is subtle but profound. Gardner goes on to suggest that there are at least eight ways a person can be smart, and that all of us are smart in several ways to greater or lesser extents. His categories of intelligence include: interpersonal, intrapersonal, musical, bodily-kinesthetic, spatial, mathematical, verbal, and naturalist.

Of course, now I don’t need a theory of intelligence to tell me my son is gifted and has a great deal to offer the world, after fifteen years of learning about him and from him. Today, if I had the opportunity to speak with the woman from the party, I would share with her why “retarded” doesn’t describe John Michael; his ability to relate to others with unconditional love, his sense of humor, his goodness, his joyful approach to life, and his willingness to forgive others before they ask for his forgiveness. Or better yet, I’d invite her to sit on the grass with him and let him give her butterfly kisses, or let him take her by the hand and show her the best hiding places in the garden, or just have her hold him in her lap and bask in his warmth. John-John has a way of communicating that is very persuasive.

“Is he the retarded one?” I actually smile now when I hear the question asked in my mind. My son lives in a perpetual state of grace, and enjoys more peace and happiness in any given week than most adults have experienced in a lifetime. Retarded? Only if you understand giftedness, and people, and life in very restricted ways.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

For Mike...

Twelve years ago this coming Sunday the world lost a truly good man, and I lost one of my dearest friends. My father-in-law Mike Somdal died of a heart attack. He was 53 years-old. I still think of him often; his sharp mind, his goofy sense of humor, his (well, let’s say bold) sense of style, and his huge spirit. He serves as a model for what I mean when I talk about Virtue Therapy: growing and healing by doing little acts of goodness again, and again, and again.

Aristotle put it this way: “Excellence is a habit, not an act.” People can talk and feel until they’re blue in the face, but if it doesn’t translate into purposeful action, if people don’t MOVE on their insights and self-knowledge, no lasting change is going to happen. Mike got this. He took advantage of the host of opportunities that present themselves daily to all of us, and did the little things…with great love, great attention to detail, and great humility. Mike had many admirable qualities, but here I want to focus on his generosity….and a particular evening I’ll never forget.

It was his birthday party, and Mike adored his birthday. He loved the chance to be the self-appointed director of fun and laughter, as it was officially his day. His family had gathered around him to celebrate, and although Mike and I shared the same birthday month I never imagined being in the evening’s spotlight with him. I had just begun dating Jenni and was just glad to be included. However, when his birthday cake was brought out, it read “Happy Birthday Mike and Ross.” Grinning from ear to ear, he also insisted that everyone sing “Happy Birthday” to the both of us. Not that big a deal? Put yourself in his shoes for a moment. Some young kid comes into your only daughter’s life and after only a few months displaces you as her most significant man. No twinge of jealousy? No concern that maybe things were moving faster than they should? No temptation to subtly remind the young man that his place was one notch down in the pecking order? Mike could have felt any of those emotions and it would have been perfectly normal, but if he did he kept them completely hidden. I believe the thought never even crossed his mind, because my father-in-law had already been practicing generosity for years. In little and big ways he had been giving with joy, and not counting the cost. It had become second nature to him, and he was genuinely pleased to be able to welcome me into his family, even if it meant that he had to move to the side just a little. For Mike, this was just one more little opportunity to be generous. Yet, I’m still feeling blessed by it nearly twenty-two years later.

It helps to have an example of the virtue you wish to acquire, to picture and emulate as you work toward the goal. When I think of generosity, I think of my father-in-law. His grave marker reads: “His was a rare and brilliant life.” Truer words have never been spoken. I love you Mike.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

"What Map am I looking at?"

“What map am I looking at?”


Is this Los Angeles?
Have you ever seen an old map of a place you’re familiar with? The other day I looked at downtown Los Angeles from the perspective of a map made in 1909. The mapmaker, a gentleman named Worthington Gates, had done a beautiful job charting out the streets, and I’m sure he was quite accurate in his calculations and identifications. But how helpful would this map be for me today, if I wanted to get from the Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels to the 5 Freeway, or figure out the fastest route from my lunch meeting on Grand Avenue to a 1:00 appointment on 6th Street? Obviously, not too helpful; Worthington Gates’ Los Angeles has grown some. The San Gabriel Mountains still stand in the distance, and the Pacific Ocean shimmers to the west, but roads have been erased, broadened, or renamed. Freeways have been built, sky-scrapers erected, and millions of people have moved in. I need a recently updated Thomas Brothers Guide or a print out from Mapquest.com to find the directions that will help me get from one part of town to another. O.K. fine, but what does this have to do with marriage?
Have you ever found yourself in a conversation with your spouse, and had things take an unexpected turn? You’ve found yourself on either the giving or the receiving end of an emotional meltdown, and found yourself wondering what just happened. A seemingly innocuous discussion about where to go on vacation, or how much money to spend on a car, or what color to paint the kitchen devolves into tears, or shouting, or an icy stare. The feelings are disproportionate, much stronger than the given context would normally call for. You can almost imagine yourself saying, “This territory is vaguely familiar, but I think we made a wrong turn somewhere?”
Home is where one starts from, and by home I mean much more than the physical structure you grew up in. The home you were born into, your family-of-origin, was your first experience of community. This has influenced you in ways you may not fully recognize, and still does. Your family, starting with your mother and father, created a psychological map for you that showed you how to navigate your way through relationships. With this map you learned how to love and like, hope and dream, fear and fight. You watched your family interact, and you experienced the ways they related to you, and the learning went deep. When you entered into your marriage, you brought with you this map of relating, and it will re-appear from time to time seemingly out of nowhere, bringing with it the old ways and the old pain. Tone of voice, certain physical characteristics, particular subjects, and personality traits can all be triggers that summon the past and link it powerfully to the present.
A woman whose father cheated on her mother may be overly suspicious of her own husband, when he innocently visits with an attractive female at a party. A man who had a controlling mother may bristle whenever his wife asks him to go a little out of his way to do something for her. A couple that came from emotionally violent families fears conflict, and chooses instead to hide anger behind chronic over-activity. Confusion reigns, and opportunities for bonding and growing as both individuals and as partners are missed. The process of leaving mother and father (and your original family), and being joined to your spouse in marriage is much more complicated than simply changing addresses!

Same feelings, different family
At one time, the map your family-of-origin gave you might have worked reasonably well. But, the terrain has changed, you have changed, and your role has changed. You are no longer a child of six, or ten, or fourteen. You no longer need to get your mother’s permission to stay out late, or hide feelings your father wasn’t comfortable with, or worry about being punished if conflict breaks out. You are an adult, with much more freedom to choose now, and you are a spouse who is part of the core of a new family. Becoming “one” with your partner demands that together, you figure out ways of being in relationship that fit for you now. You may choose to adopt some of what worked in your original family, and decide to reject other parts. This is not your parents’ marriage, and it’s not your parents’ home. But choice is seldom an unpolluted, simple process, and we don’t always act like free adults. In times of stress, conflict, and anxiety, we can get confused about whom we’re relating to, and what home we’re living in, and what our role is. And just like trying to find your way around present day Los Angeles with a map from 1909, you can get very lost.
We marry the person who can potentially help us complete the emotional work we began with our family of origin. We don’t fully grasp this potential at the time of marriage because we don’t typically know our selves or our spouses well enough, but this doesn’t change the fact that the gift of healing was there from the start. I say potentially because you and your spouse still need to cooperate with God’s plan in order to finish growing up, and this is by no means an easy task. Trusting another and being vulnerable takes time in even the best of circumstances, and distinguishing between childhood maps and current ones is much harder than it sounds. To further complicate matters, as years go by and the marriage takes hits, it can be more and more difficult to be open, and stay open, to your partner. Naturally, when pain begins to build, the human instinct is to revert back to what you knew best, and what you knew first…your original map for relationships. The heart can become hardened, and the directions for compatibility confused.
However, this map does not have to control you. Just like the mapmaker Worthington Gates would do if he were asked to design a map of downtown Los Angeles today, you can make changes to your map and update the information. Here are 5 practical suggestions that can help:
1) Play time: Set aside quality time each week to spend together, nurturing your friendship, having fun, and exploring the mystery of the other
2) Tracking device: Check in with each other throughout the day, to simply communicate care, concern, and interest
3) Empathy: Seek understanding before agreement (if one feels truly heard, seen, and respected good typically follows!)
4) Fighting fair: Avoid threats and hurtful words, be clear with each other about what the issue is, own your share of the problem, and seek a compromise that honors the relationship
5) Know your limits: Be open to strategic counsel from a therapist, a minister, or a rabbi if problems persist
The goal is not to avoid the past, an impossible task, but rather to minimize the confusion and pain, and maximize the learning.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Choosing Life in a Culture of Death

There are people in your position: Choosing life in a culture of death

“The most beautiful credo is the one we pronounce in our hour of darkness.”-St. Padre Pio


The day before John Michael’s valveoplasty procedure, Jen and I met with the cardiologist who would be overseeing the operation. He explained how the surgeons planned to run a balloon through John John’s three day-old heart, his mitral valve specifically, in the hope of opening it up and allowing oxygen to flow freely. The hole that also existed in our son’s heart could wait until later to be dealt with, but not the valve. The doctor told us that without this procedure our son would slowly but surely die, maybe a month, maybe a year. Then he said something we were unprepared for; “There are people in your position who would elect not to go through with this procedure.” I want to believe he was saying this because we live in a society that sues doctors. I want to believe he was thinking about informed consent, that parents must be apprised of all their options before making a life or death decision about their child. He must have noticed the shock in our faces, because he quickly added, “I know what your answer is going to be, but I needed to say that.” Our response was brief, “Save our baby.”
I’ve had 15 years to reflect on that exchange, 15 years to think of all the parents who hear similar words from doctors and in their fear see a quick out, 15 years to think about all the doctors who can’t or won’t uphold the first rule of the Hippocratic oath, “Do no harm.” And I have had 15 years to consider the society we live in…where the sanctity of life is slowly being eclipsed by a culture of death.
All of human life is sacred. There is no statistical table to help one compute whose life is valuable and whose is not in Christendom. Maybe one could find such a thing in the health insurance industry, but not within the bounds of an authentically Christian worldview. There is no need. Our Creator has spoken very clearly about this. Health, age, nationality, socio-economic status, race, religion, education, and I.Q. are not even considered factors in God’s eyes in determining sacredness. The imprint of the Image of God on our eternal souls (Genesis 1:27) and the love and delight He has for his children are what bestow us with dignity and value beyond calculation. “Truly, you have formed my inmost being; you knit me in my mother’s womb. I give you thanks, O God, that I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are your works. My soul also knew you full well” (Psalm 139: 13-14). And if God’s loving us and relating to us before we were even born is not enough to demonstrate our intrinsic worth, His Son’s willingness to live among us, and die for us, adds the final exclamation point to this issue. God didn’t make a mistake with John Michael, a mistake that needed to be corrected or erased by science. He doesn’t make mistakes with any babies. He knows exactly what He is doing, always. Carl Sandburg once wrote, “A baby is God’s opinion that the world should go on.” Babies represent new beginnings, and holy innocence, and precious hope; I shudder to think of a world void of these elements. We desperately need to be reminded by babies, especially babies like John Michael, that the sacred is not skin deep.
There have always been those who preferred death to life; defiled the sacred and attacked the Good. But the 20th century, on a scale never before seen, overwhelmed our collective senses with its unique combination of unrelenting violence and technological brilliance. This was the century that gave us Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin, the atomic bomb and biological warfare. It is the century that introduced the word terrorism into our everyday vocabulary, and gave us legalized abortion and euthanasia. And it is the century that invented the radio and the telephone, television and the Internet. It has provided us with enough unfiltered information and visual images to last us ten lifetimes. In an effort to survive this assault on the human psyche, I think many have chosen to numb themselves to core issues of life and death…but at such a cost. We live in a global community that, paradoxically, has never been farther apart. Data is too often confused with wisdom, and contact with intimacy. So much upheaval, and change, and innovation, but have we really progressed all that far? Einstein put it this way: “We have perfected the means, but confused the ends.” The ultimate end is to love God, neighbor, and self more and more completely…and as a human race, I am doubtful that we are moving in this direction. I believe that the exchange Jenni and I had with the cardiologist 15 years ago is even more likely to happen today.
Babies like John Michael are more expendable than ever before. Special needs children are simply not easy, and productive, and cost effective in immediately quantifiable ways…not in a culture that is being blanketed more and more by the shroud of death. Dozens of people have shared with us that they don’t think they would have, or could have, given the cardiologist the go-ahead to perform the valveoplasty. They would have let their child die. Almost always, their reasons revolve around their own fears about being strong enough to rear a special needs child. The mistake made by people who could not see themselves rising to the occasion, or more accurately accepting the gift God gives them, is that they are not factoring grace into the equation. They are only seeing how far their will power can take them in a world that can be quite overwhelming in the amount of pain and unhappiness it dishes out. People who live outside of God’s grace, try to go it alone, should be afraid. They’re going to get pummeled.
Even with grace, life is difficult! There are days where I am beyond fatigued, and very unsure that I have what it takes to be an adequate father for any of my children, not just for John Michael. Parenting is a very humbling endeavor. I am tempted to run off and hide somewhere, to chuck my responsibilities, to let others take over. I have heard many excellent parents admit similar moments of weakness. This is residue of our creatureliness, our falleness, our brokenness, but not cause for despair. St. Augustine saw these moments where our true poverty breaks through as blessed because of what they clarify for us about our nature, and God’s. “Felix culpa”, the “blessed fault” that is original sin, is blessed because it reminds us that we cannot live life on our own terms and be successful in a meaningful way…and we’re not supposed to. Living in grace, and not fear, begins with an honest admission of need. “Lord, help me, hear my cry, save me from death in all its forms…”
There are people who choose death over life every day…with babies, with work, with alcohol and drugs, with violence; sometimes they are conscious of what they are choosing, sometimes they are not. “This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to His voice, and hold fast to Him” (Deuteronomy 30:19-20).
We’ve never needed special needs babies, special needs children, and special needs adults more…they are our wake-up calls, and our consciences, reminding us of what life and blessings really look like.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Who we are

The same month Jenni and I founded Stillpoint Resources, I planted an apple tree in our backyard; two living organisms, small and fragile but full of potential. That was eleven years ago. Just last week as I was admiring our now sprawling tree, it dawned on me how the growth pattern of Stillpoint has mirrored my now fully developed apple tree: a deep root structure, a wider reach of the branches, and an increasing bounty of good fruit.

Roots:
Stillpoint was born out of a love for special needs children and their families, and this commitment to the most vulnerable members of our society will always remain a precious part of our mission. But as we have developed our concept of special needs has grown to include more than those with medical needs: a splintering marriage brings special needs, poverty brings special needs, depression and the threat of suicide bring special needs, substance abuse and domestic violence brings special needs. And in order to birth the greatest change, the most lasting change, the goal must not be individual healing alone, but family healing. Thus, special needs families have naturally become our focus. And because we have clinicians who specialize in counseling children, teens, adults, couples, and entire families, we are uniquely prepared to offer healing and hope at every level of the system.

Reach:
Eleven years ago we had one office in Woodland Hills, but as the demands for our services grew we strategically placed satellite offices in Ojai, Thousand Oaks, Pacoima, San Marino, Westchester, Hawaiian Gardens, Costa Mesa, and at Children’s Hospital in Los Angeles. Even more importantly, we have eleven wonderfully gifted clinicians counseling at these sites so that people in great need from all around Southern California can access excellent care. And to assure that our reach is truly inclusive we have maintained our commitment to offering 70% of our clinical hours at sliding scale rates so that money is not the deciding factor in whether people in great need receive the help they are so desperate for. No one should be left behind.

Fruit:
We are making a significant difference for the good through our counseling efforts, working with over 150 families every week. And we cannot mention counseling without addressing our training program. We are very proud of the fact that our trainees and interns (currently at eight) are not just being supervised, they’re being mentored and cared for. Becoming an outstanding clinician is about so much more than simply learning a skill set…its about formation: formation of minds, and formation of hearts. Our goal is to not simply impact our clients, but to impact the culture they live in, and the psychological world that holds so much sway.
Our educational outreach through our Speakers’ Bureau offers dozens of community workshops every year on topics like parenting, marriage, self-care, and grief. Additionally, we have established a publishing arm, where articles are written, and to date three books have been produced. And now this blog, which will offer entries aimed at teaching and encouraging readers, psychologically and spiritually.
Our four-pronged approach to healing and hope (counseling, training, educating, and publishing) gives us the opportunity to impact hundreds of people every month. And this impact will surely grow in the years to come, based on the trajectory of our first eleven years.
I am honored to be part of this profoundly meaningful work that literally changes lives, and I’m most grateful to all those who help us do this work through generous donations of time, talent, and treasure. But as we grow the need for greater community support grows as well. Please consider us when you pray, when you think about trustworthy counselors to refer a friend or family member to, and when you make a contribution to a non-profit charity.
I thank you for your interest, and hope this blog will prove helpful and encouraging to you in the weeks, months, and years to come.