“It is wise to direct your anger towards problems -- not people; to focus your energies on answers -- not excuses.”
-William Arthur Ward
Can you name one person in your life who is a healthy model for anger? I'm sure you can picture plenty of people…probably too many people… who rage or repress, get passive-aggressive or isolate with their anger. And after the fact make excuses for their bad behavior.
But do you have a healthy model for how to do anger well?
Anger is an emotion denied by many and feared by most because of its potential to harm. “Anger hurts people.” "I don't trust myself when I'm angry." “Anger is a sin.”
Yes, anger can be used to hurt people. Yes, if I don’t know how to work with my anger I probably should be unsure of myself with it. And yes, anger can lead to evil.
But anger can also lead to healing, self-control, and goodness. And most of all it can lead to intimacy. And it's the issue of intimacy I want to focus on here.
Much time in counseling and spiritual direction is spent helping one process through anger; identify the grievance, feel the wound, and develop a plan to confront the other. And this can all be fruitful. But if the process never goes beyond this, a critical step is missing.
In your anger with another, how are you angry with yourself? In your anger with another, how have you hurt yourself? In your anger with another, how have you compromised your goodness, your truth, and your dignity? Ask care-fully and thoughtfully.
Use your anger to explore how you need to be more gentle, more peaceful, more joyful, and more mindful of all that truly matters.
When you return to your “side of the street”, focus on yourself and your own unfinished business, the deeper process of responsibility-taking can really begin. Then the unpleasant experience of anger (giving and/or receiving) becomes an opportunity to learn and grow, and your more authentic understanding of self will certainly be a blessing for those around you.
In the end, the battle is not about the other, it’s about you.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
What IS your duty?
"Let's have faith that right makes might; and in that faith let us, to the end, dare to do our duty as we understand it."
-Abraham Lincoln
Do you believe this is true? That right makes might? That living a life dedicated to doing the right thing can actually make a difference in this tired, weary world? If you do, then knowing WHAT your duty is becomes that much more crucial.
Duty. What does that word mean anymore? It is not commonly used nowadays, save for commercials about the military. And most assuredly the brave men and women who serve in our military do their duty in particular and sacrificial ways. But of course the great Mr. Lincoln's challenge to "dare to do our duty" extends beyond military service.
What do you understand to be YOUR duty? As a husband or wife, as a mother or father, as a friend or co-worker, as a neighbor? How do you begin to understand this key to TRUE power?
I believe your duty, my duty, humankind's duty, is to "dare to do good."
Start with the acknowledgement that you can make a difference. YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE. If you truly, deeply, passionately believe this, then the daring will naturally follow...the daring to take the extra step, to care just a bit more, and to put love into action in a thousand little ways. You don't need to find a cure for cancer, or win the Nobel peace prize, or be the greatest president in our nation's history. You simply need to believe that right makes might...and then do the right thing, more often then not.
You know what the good is, what the right thing is. It's what you learned in kindergarten, and what your heart tells you is true when you are still. Be kind, be honest, share what you have, and play well with others.
And remember that truly good people don't get that way by doing one thing 100% better. They become truly good by doing one hundred things 1% better. Because goodness is contagious.
Right makes might; live like this is true, and watch it become so.
-Abraham Lincoln
Do you believe this is true? That right makes might? That living a life dedicated to doing the right thing can actually make a difference in this tired, weary world? If you do, then knowing WHAT your duty is becomes that much more crucial.
Duty. What does that word mean anymore? It is not commonly used nowadays, save for commercials about the military. And most assuredly the brave men and women who serve in our military do their duty in particular and sacrificial ways. But of course the great Mr. Lincoln's challenge to "dare to do our duty" extends beyond military service.
What do you understand to be YOUR duty? As a husband or wife, as a mother or father, as a friend or co-worker, as a neighbor? How do you begin to understand this key to TRUE power?
I believe your duty, my duty, humankind's duty, is to "dare to do good."
Start with the acknowledgement that you can make a difference. YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE. If you truly, deeply, passionately believe this, then the daring will naturally follow...the daring to take the extra step, to care just a bit more, and to put love into action in a thousand little ways. You don't need to find a cure for cancer, or win the Nobel peace prize, or be the greatest president in our nation's history. You simply need to believe that right makes might...and then do the right thing, more often then not.
You know what the good is, what the right thing is. It's what you learned in kindergarten, and what your heart tells you is true when you are still. Be kind, be honest, share what you have, and play well with others.
And remember that truly good people don't get that way by doing one thing 100% better. They become truly good by doing one hundred things 1% better. Because goodness is contagious.
Right makes might; live like this is true, and watch it become so.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Understanding Happiness
"Happiness is secured through virtue; it is a good attained by man's own will."
Thomas Aquinas
"I just want to be happy." "I just want my partner to be happy." "I just want my kids to be happy."
In therapy and outside of therapy, happiness is the goal I hear more people talk about than any other. And there's nothing wrong with this goal. In fact, I think it's an excellent goal to strive for!
The problem isn't the goal, the problem is in how people try and achieve the goal.
We live in a world that consistently misunderstands what makes one happy. We will be happy, or so our reality T.V. culture tells us, when we have more money, or popularity, or plastic surgery, or power, or alcohol, or sex, or experiences.
Being able to better control things and people around us would help a lot too, right?
"Winning", I guess.
The lie is that happiness can somehow be found apart from good behavior; that it can be bought, or manufactured, or manipulated with enough "fun."
Fun will sustain happiness about as well as cotton candy sustains a starving person. Fun is great, but it is not the source of happiness.
St. Thomas reminds us that happiness cannot be separated from virtue...good habits. And happiness is the product of good living, plain and simple; no short cuts.
We will never be happier then when we are using our freedom to do good and be good. It sounds too easy, and perhaps too boring, to lead to happiness.
And if you judge happiness by one night, or one weekend, or one month, the connection between goodness and happiness may not be clear.
But study the people you know who are truly, deeply, securely happy, and you will find lives marked by generosity, kindness, peace, balance, love, and courage; virtue.
Happiness, in the end, is not a great mystery. Do good, surround yourself with good people, and don’t give in to cynicism.
You’ll change your world, and you’ll change THE world. And yes, you'll have a lot of fun, too.
Thomas Aquinas
"I just want to be happy." "I just want my partner to be happy." "I just want my kids to be happy."
In therapy and outside of therapy, happiness is the goal I hear more people talk about than any other. And there's nothing wrong with this goal. In fact, I think it's an excellent goal to strive for!
The problem isn't the goal, the problem is in how people try and achieve the goal.
We live in a world that consistently misunderstands what makes one happy. We will be happy, or so our reality T.V. culture tells us, when we have more money, or popularity, or plastic surgery, or power, or alcohol, or sex, or experiences.
Being able to better control things and people around us would help a lot too, right?
"Winning", I guess.
The lie is that happiness can somehow be found apart from good behavior; that it can be bought, or manufactured, or manipulated with enough "fun."
Fun will sustain happiness about as well as cotton candy sustains a starving person. Fun is great, but it is not the source of happiness.
St. Thomas reminds us that happiness cannot be separated from virtue...good habits. And happiness is the product of good living, plain and simple; no short cuts.
We will never be happier then when we are using our freedom to do good and be good. It sounds too easy, and perhaps too boring, to lead to happiness.
And if you judge happiness by one night, or one weekend, or one month, the connection between goodness and happiness may not be clear.
But study the people you know who are truly, deeply, securely happy, and you will find lives marked by generosity, kindness, peace, balance, love, and courage; virtue.
Happiness, in the end, is not a great mystery. Do good, surround yourself with good people, and don’t give in to cynicism.
You’ll change your world, and you’ll change THE world. And yes, you'll have a lot of fun, too.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
The Season of Yes!
Quick...what's the first word that comes to your mind when you hear "Lent"?
I bet it wasn't "Yes".
The 40 days that precede Easter have typically been known as the Season of "No"; "no chocolate", "no meat", "no coffee", "no television", "no Facebook" (yes, I actually know several people who have given up Facebook for Lent). And saying "no" to things that distract one from responsibilities, that numb one to feelings, that sap life is certainly part of this season. Saying "no" can help us detach from bad habits.
But if all we're doing is saying "no", we're only half way home. Because the "no" won't lead to joy, peace, and growth that lasts.
"No", by itself, stops being sufficient by about age three!
We are meaning-seeking people. We need to have a purpose in mind for why we do what we do, whatever it is. "What is the point of giving up coffee, dessert, meat, or the internet?" "Why am I doing this?" "Am I just following rules to follow rules?" God help us.
This is where the "yes" comes in.
Happiness, true happiness, is not just about being free FROM something, it is also about being free FOR something...something more beautiful, more healthy, more loving. "YES."
So the next time you find yourself saying "no", find the "yes" that is attached...and celebrate the good which you are moving toward!
I bet it wasn't "Yes".
The 40 days that precede Easter have typically been known as the Season of "No"; "no chocolate", "no meat", "no coffee", "no television", "no Facebook" (yes, I actually know several people who have given up Facebook for Lent). And saying "no" to things that distract one from responsibilities, that numb one to feelings, that sap life is certainly part of this season. Saying "no" can help us detach from bad habits.
But if all we're doing is saying "no", we're only half way home. Because the "no" won't lead to joy, peace, and growth that lasts.
"No", by itself, stops being sufficient by about age three!
We are meaning-seeking people. We need to have a purpose in mind for why we do what we do, whatever it is. "What is the point of giving up coffee, dessert, meat, or the internet?" "Why am I doing this?" "Am I just following rules to follow rules?" God help us.
This is where the "yes" comes in.
Happiness, true happiness, is not just about being free FROM something, it is also about being free FOR something...something more beautiful, more healthy, more loving. "YES."
So the next time you find yourself saying "no", find the "yes" that is attached...and celebrate the good which you are moving toward!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Blessed Lent!
"So teach us to number our days, God, that we may apply our hearts to wisdom." (Psalm 90:12)
A blessed Lenten Season to all our friends!
A blessed Lenten Season to all our friends!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
The R word
I wonder why it is that in a world where there is increasing sensitivity to certain words (words that put down people because of race, religion, nationality, or sexual orientation) that the "R" word continues to be acceptable to use? "Retard;" one hears it on T.V., on the radio, and in casual conversation to describe questionable judgements or just plain stupid behavior.
So why not use "stupid" to describe stupid behavior? Why not use "dumb" to describe dumb choices? Why use a clinical term that is not even commonly used in professional circles anymore because it is too broad, and doesn't properly reflect the giftedness of human beings who are intelligent in ways that don't necessarily show up on a standard I.Q. test?
Am I sensitive to the word "retarded" because I have a son with Down syndrome? Yes. I readily admit that I am more conscious, more aware, and more sensitive to this put-down word. I'd also add that I'm more sensitive to all put-down words thanks to my specially gifted son. Thank God there is a growing awareness that words matter!
But back to the issue of the "R"word? Why does its usage continue to be so widely acceptable? Is it because special needs persons don't form a huge voting block? Don't have a powerful lobby in Washington? Don't produce movies or television shows in Hollywood? Yes.
More fundamentally, though, it has to do with the way our culture continues to overvalue certain achievements and undervalue others.
What school you graduate from, how many degrees you collect, how high you climb on the company ladder, how much money you make, how many toys you can collect, and how good you look doing all this "succeeding" matters more than being a kind person, a loving person, and generous person, a joyful person.
Balance, people, balance...who we are matters at least as much as what we do. And in the end the two can't be separated.
"Retard" is more than just a put-down word. It carries a dangerous bias with it, a bias that feeds ignorance, and callousness, and divisiveness; a bias that limits ALL of us.
Find another word.
So why not use "stupid" to describe stupid behavior? Why not use "dumb" to describe dumb choices? Why use a clinical term that is not even commonly used in professional circles anymore because it is too broad, and doesn't properly reflect the giftedness of human beings who are intelligent in ways that don't necessarily show up on a standard I.Q. test?
Am I sensitive to the word "retarded" because I have a son with Down syndrome? Yes. I readily admit that I am more conscious, more aware, and more sensitive to this put-down word. I'd also add that I'm more sensitive to all put-down words thanks to my specially gifted son. Thank God there is a growing awareness that words matter!
But back to the issue of the "R"word? Why does its usage continue to be so widely acceptable? Is it because special needs persons don't form a huge voting block? Don't have a powerful lobby in Washington? Don't produce movies or television shows in Hollywood? Yes.
More fundamentally, though, it has to do with the way our culture continues to overvalue certain achievements and undervalue others.
What school you graduate from, how many degrees you collect, how high you climb on the company ladder, how much money you make, how many toys you can collect, and how good you look doing all this "succeeding" matters more than being a kind person, a loving person, and generous person, a joyful person.
Balance, people, balance...who we are matters at least as much as what we do. And in the end the two can't be separated.
"Retard" is more than just a put-down word. It carries a dangerous bias with it, a bias that feeds ignorance, and callousness, and divisiveness; a bias that limits ALL of us.
Find another word.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Afflicting and comforting...
"Comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable."
-Finley Peter Dunne
Oh, its so easy to get outside ourselves, and point to all those who are "comfortable", and who need serious "afflicting." Your list is probably pretty long, if you're anything like me. Hypocrites, narcissists, materialists, nihilists, self-centered....wow, the labels are flowing wonderfully!
Here's the point...while we're getting after these folks who need a nudge toward goodness and consciousness (and this is not a bad thing...do it!), let's not forget ourselves in this process. "How am I too comfortable?" "How do I cut corners?" "How do I turn a blind eye, and let things slide in my own life."
And as we hunt down those who need afflicting, are we spending at least as much time finding folks who need comforting?
Lent is coming. But regardless, this is the best way to live....never separating truth and love, practicing humility and moral courage, and actually caring for those who hurt all around us.
This will change the world....one comfortable person at a time!
-Finley Peter Dunne
Oh, its so easy to get outside ourselves, and point to all those who are "comfortable", and who need serious "afflicting." Your list is probably pretty long, if you're anything like me. Hypocrites, narcissists, materialists, nihilists, self-centered....wow, the labels are flowing wonderfully!
Here's the point...while we're getting after these folks who need a nudge toward goodness and consciousness (and this is not a bad thing...do it!), let's not forget ourselves in this process. "How am I too comfortable?" "How do I cut corners?" "How do I turn a blind eye, and let things slide in my own life."
And as we hunt down those who need afflicting, are we spending at least as much time finding folks who need comforting?
Lent is coming. But regardless, this is the best way to live....never separating truth and love, practicing humility and moral courage, and actually caring for those who hurt all around us.
This will change the world....one comfortable person at a time!
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