Being a big elephant: The virtue of protectiveness

“All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
-Edmund Burke

I recently heard an expert on bullying, Stu Cabe, address an auditorium full of high school students. He began with a story about elephants. Twenty years ago in Kruger National Park, South Africa’s largest conservation reserve, there was a serious over-population problem; too many elephants. Back then there was no cost effective way of moving the larger animals, so the decision was made to relocate the smaller elephants to another park.

Fine for the elephants, but not so much for their new neighbors, the white rhinos who over time began showing up dead. Turns out the relocated baby elephants had grown into adolescent bullies without the guidance of good role models, and the accountability that naturally follows. In their unchecked aggression, they were ramming the rhinos to death. Concerned about their steadily decreasing rhino population and the negative impact on tourism, the park figured they’d best correct the problem they’d first created years before. They rented special trucks and brought in large bull elephants to return the system to its natural state, establishing a new hierarchy. In a very short amount of time, the bigger bulls had laid down new rules for the younger elephants by modeling appropriate behavior, and physically intervening to stop the aggressive behavior when the modeling wasn’t enough. And surprise, surprise the violence stopped.

This world we live in is not unlike a wild animal reserve. There are hierarchies of power and rules of social engagement. And when proper modeling is lacking and active interventions are slow in coming, the vulnerable invariably get bullied. Why? Because human beings, when separated from a community that protects life, become small; they give in to fear, and selfishness, and violence. It’s “survival of the fittest”, and it’s ugly.

Bullying has now been identified as a major problem in schools. But of course it’s happening in schools because it’s happening everywhere else; at home, on the internet, at the office, and on the television. And finally, people are realizing that bullying doesn’t have to be physical in order to be violent. Far more damage is done with hateful words, mean-spirited alliances, and shaming actions than can ever be adequately measured.

Protectiveness as a virtue compels you to stand up for the underdog, get involved when you don’t have to, care when its not convenient, and live the belief that human rights extend beyond your own nose. And to understand how much is at stake if you don’t.

“All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” Good men, and good women, good boys, and good girls…

Unlike the animal reserve,when it comes to virtue “big-ness” isn’t dependent on the size of your body, but on the size of your heart. Yes adults should naturally lead in protecting life, but the young can and must be empowered to join this struggle as well.

For the sake of the vulnerable, for the sake of humanity, be a big elephant.

Question for reflection: What can you do to become more of a big elephant?

Lighting candles: The virtue of optimism

“Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.”
-The Christophers

You know the old saying, “You don’t fully appreciate something until it’s gone”? A few weeks ago in the midst of a fast-moving winter storm, we temporarily lost power in our home. I suddenly remembered again what a gift electricity is…electricity and light.

After some initial grumbling and stumbling around in the dark, the matches and candles were located. And soon the darkness was being pushed back. It still remained in the corners because it was night, and of course candles only have so much power. But there was enough illumination for us to carry on, to move forward.

Lighting candles in the dark is an apt metaphor for the virtue of optimism.

But to better understand what optimism is, let’s first clear up what optimism is not.

Optimism is not whistling in the darkness, pretending that things will change on their own. That is magical thinking.

Optimism is not denying the darkness and carrying on as if nothing had changed. That is delusional.

And optimism is not a desperate sales pitch that the darkness is clearly preferable to light. That is denial.

Pretending that there are no problems, no struggles, and no discomfort is distracting, anxiety-provoking, and potentially dangerous. Because goodness, and healing, and transformation are built on truth not illusion. Denying what is, only sets one up for disappointments, and eventually despair.

Optimism is about believing that there's meaning to be discovered in the midst of challenges, and options for good. And it moves one from problem-focused to solution-focused. Optimism is creative, and life-giving, and firmly grounded in reality. It has no time for falsity; too much is at stake.

“I have cancer, but I will find ways to keep living.” “I’ve lost my job, but I’ll start looking for new opportunities.” “I am unhappy with my life, but I’m going to figure out why, and then do some things differently.”

This season calls for optimism, when the world is short on light and the Spring seems very far away…this season, when so many are hurting, and scared, and confused. The economy continues to sputter, the unemployment rate remains high, people are still losing their homes, and there is no significant turn-around in sight. Cursing the darkness is a tempting option, but then what?

Optimism says light a candle, push back the darkness a bit, and find in the freedom you still have all the good choices you can still make.

And I promise, in this Advent Season, grateful prayers for all of you…especially those searching for matches and candles.

Question for reflection: How well do you seek solutions in the midst of problems?

Swimming against the tide: The virtue of contrariness

“Comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable.”
-Finley Peter Dunne


I disagreed with Christopher Hitchens on virtually every subject. He routinely attacked with great vigor my God, my Church, and my favorite saint. He was unquestionably brilliant, and equally flawed. He was as polemical and pompous as any hell-fire-and-damnation preacher, and as dogmatic about his Enlightenment-inspired gospel as any fundamentalist “true believer.” So it might come as something of a surprise to hear me state that I was strangely moved by the news of his passing, and will miss him. He was one of my favorite contrarians, and he once more served me as a catalyst for deeper reflection…this time about contrariness as a virtue.

Now, to be clear there is a major difference between a virtue and a personality trait. A virtue makes you, and those around you, better. A personality trait does not. Contrariness as a virtue is prophetic, contrariness as a trait is problematic. Did Hitchens practice contrariness as a virtue or simply a trait? I’ll humbly leave that judgment, and the ultimate judgment about his life’s work, to a merciful and loving God (and yes, that’s me being a bit of a contrarian).

Contrarians attack the status quo, the comfortable, the people and systems that appear to be above challenge, and questioning, and accountability. And to that end, they serve a necessary role in a world that desperately needs checks-and-balances. We may often want to dismiss them as lunatics, radicals, and trouble-makers, but we’d best not.

The virtue of contrariness is rooted in a love for justice and truth, and will courageously attack sacred cows for the sake of the sacred. As a virtue, contrariness protects the vulnerable against abuses of power, and reminds the world that easier doesn’t necessarily mean better, and rightness is not decided by a majority opinion.

Contrarians are disturbers of the peace, but is it a peace that’s well-deserved? Contrarians are outsiders, but truth-tellers often are. Contrarians are atheists (or as Hitchens preferred “anti-theists”), but they can also be deeply religious (see: Christ, Jesus). Contrarians are hard to categorize, but in an extraordinarily complex world isn’t that appropriate?

Most of us don’t like conflict, we don’t like rocking the boat, and we definitely don’t like to be disliked. But the struggle for a better world has never been neat and tidy. And we will never become who we’re meant to be (responsible, decent, loving human beings) if we’re not willing to get outside our comfort zones, ask hard questions, wrestle with the status-quo, confront rigidity…and maybe even on occasion challenge others to do the same.

Question for reflection: How do you challenge hypocrisy, double standards, and injustices in the world and in your home?

Golden: The virtue of fidelity

“Nothing is more noble, nothing more venerable than fidelity. Faithfulness and truth are the most sacred excellences and endowments of the human mind.”
-Marcus Tullius Cicero

Fidelity is defined as “faithfulness to a person, cause, or belief,” and is stated formally in and through vows. It can be lived out in any calling (personal or professional), but for now I want to focus on what fidelity means in marriage.

This summer my mother and father celebrated their golden wedding anniversary. Fifty years, a half century, “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health…” They’ve honored and kept their vows to each other. This is a remarkable accomplishment, and I do mean accomplishment. My mother was barely twenty when she said “I do” to my father, and he was all of twenty-two when he promised himself to her in return. They were kids, for goodness sake!

There’s no way my parents could have known exactly what those wedding vows would entail, what would be asked of each; the twists and turns of life, children and grandchildren, changes and transitions, triumphs and losses, joys and sorrows. Yet, they have lived the virtue of fidelity.

“I promise…to love, honor, and respect you…to be faithful to you.” Wedding vows are oriented toward the other, and this is understandable. But I believe it also confuses fidelity. Because essentially, fidelity is not about your partner…it’s about you.

Fidelity is not a 50-50 proposition, and it’s not even a 100-100 proposition. Fidelity isn’t conditioned on the other person's behavior at all. “I solemnly promise to be faithful to you…because it is who I’m meant to be, and what I’ve promised to do. I’m all in.”

Fidelity is most personal…it’s covenent, not contract. Nothing wrong with contracts, even necessary in issues of business. But they’re not the way to frame relationships, and they’re certainly not the way to frame fidelity. Quid pro quo, “I’ll do this if you’ll do that,” doesn’t work for fidelity. In fact it guts it.

So, then, fidelity is a straight-jacket, a commitment that locks you into a relationship forever, regardless of circumstances? However bad, painful or even abusive things might get, you’ve got to stay? NO, NO, NO! A virtue would never take you in a direction that asked you to compromise your dignity or your self-worth. Virtues make you and those around you better, not sicker.

What fidelity does challenge you to do is to consciously, courageously, creatively commit to something bigger than you or your partner, something that is worth living for and struggling for…whether your partner does or not. It challenges you to fight against a quitting culture that fails to see how self-sacrifice may actually lead to greater empowerment, greater self-esteem, and greater freedom. And if the relationship does end, fidelity guarantees that it will not be because you compromised yourself.

Fidelity is not just a way of being in marriage, it’s a way of being in life. It also happens to be my parents greatest gift to me. And I am grateful beyond words.

Question for reflection: Where do you practice fidelity, faithfulness to something bigger than you?

Sit down and listen: The virtue of communication

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen."
-Winston Churchill

The consistent gridlock on Capital Hill, the egoizing of the NBA Players Lockout, the frustration of Occupy Wall Street and Elsewhere, the anger of Union strife; the news is full of communication breakdown. Everyone wants to be listened to, but few seem to be just as committed to listening. It’s wearying, truly.

The dissent? No, disagreeing is not the problem. EVERY system needs challenge and confrontation, both from within and from without. Families need it, schools need it, companies need it, churches need it, and governments need it. It keeps us open, and accountable, and vital, and attuned to the heartbeat of what is most true.

So people who are willing to stand up and speak, especially when what they have to say is not going to meet with ready approval are necessary. But communication is about more than speaking.

True communication is about talking AND listening. And if, as the experts say, 70% of communication is non-verbal, are you attending to more than just words in your conversations? What are the “roll of the eyes,” the “check of the watch,” the “shake of the head,” the “quick text”, and the “not-so-subtle yawn” saying to you?

In your own efforts to be seen, to be heard, to be right, what are you not hearing? Because of fear, or pride, or impatience, or all of the above, what are you missing? What do you NEED to hear from your partner, or parent, or child...from friend or "foe"? What are the difficult conversations that need to happen in your world?

Real communication, in the end, is about seeking understanding before agreement. And this can’t be done if you’re not willing to stand up and speak…and then sit down and listen. But as Churchill points out, it takes courage…because you may hear something you don’t want to hear, you may learn something about yourself that needs addressing, you may learn that you don’t know as much as you thought, your comfort zone might get stretched, and you may on occasion even get your head handed to you. O.K., and you might also grow, heal, bond, love, make the world a better place, and even find some peace along the way.

Peace through confrontation? Now you’re talking….and listening!

Question for reflection: How well do you communicate?