“Nothing is more noble, nothing more venerable than fidelity. Faithfulness and truth are the most sacred excellences and endowments of the human mind.”
-Marcus Tullius Cicero
Fidelity is defined as “faithfulness to a person, cause, or belief,” and is stated formally in and through vows. It can be lived out in any calling (personal or professional), but for now I want to focus on what fidelity means in marriage.
This summer my mother and father celebrated their golden wedding anniversary. Fifty years, a half century, “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health…” They’ve honored and kept their vows to each other. This is a remarkable accomplishment, and I do mean accomplishment. My mother was barely twenty when she said “I do” to my father, and he was all of twenty-two when he promised himself to her in return. They were kids, for goodness sake!
There’s no way my parents could have known exactly what those wedding vows would entail, what would be asked of each; the twists and turns of life, children and grandchildren, changes and transitions, triumphs and losses, joys and sorrows. Yet, they have lived the virtue of fidelity.
“I promise…to love, honor, and respect you…to be faithful to you.” Wedding vows are oriented toward the other, and this is understandable. But I believe it also confuses fidelity. Because essentially, fidelity is not about your partner…it’s about you.
Fidelity is not a 50-50 proposition, and it’s not even a 100-100 proposition. Fidelity isn’t conditioned on the other person's behavior at all. “I solemnly promise to be faithful to you…because it is who I’m meant to be, and what I’ve promised to do. I’m all in.”
Fidelity is most personal…it’s covenent, not contract. Nothing wrong with contracts, even necessary in issues of business. But they’re not the way to frame relationships, and they’re certainly not the way to frame fidelity. Quid pro quo, “I’ll do this if you’ll do that,” doesn’t work for fidelity. In fact it guts it.
So, then, fidelity is a straight-jacket, a commitment that locks you into a relationship forever, regardless of circumstances? However bad, painful or even abusive things might get, you’ve got to stay? NO, NO, NO! A virtue would never take you in a direction that asked you to compromise your dignity or your self-worth. Virtues make you and those around you better, not sicker.
What fidelity does challenge you to do is to consciously, courageously, creatively commit to something bigger than you or your partner, something that is worth living for and struggling for…whether your partner does or not. It challenges you to fight against a quitting culture that fails to see how self-sacrifice may actually lead to greater empowerment, greater self-esteem, and greater freedom. And if the relationship does end, fidelity guarantees that it will not be because you compromised yourself.
Fidelity is not just a way of being in marriage, it’s a way of being in life. It also happens to be my parents greatest gift to me. And I am grateful beyond words.
Question for reflection: Where do you practice fidelity, faithfulness to something bigger than you?
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About Me
- Ross Porter
- Dr. Ross Porter received his B.A. from the University of California, Santa Barbara, and his Master of Divinity (Theology) and Ph.D. (Clinical Psychology) degrees from Fuller Theological Seminary, where he first became interested in the integration of psychology and spirituality. He is a teacher, author, counselor, and consultant, specializing in integrative psychology, virtue ethics and family systems. He has taught at the high school, college, and graduate school levels. Ross is also the Founder and Executive Director of Stillpoint Family Resources, a non-profit organization that offers counseling services to individuals, couples, and families in crisis, with nine different office locations throughout Ventura, Los Angeles and Orange Counties (specific office locations can be found at www.stillpointfamilyresources.org). In 2009, Dr. Porter was named an “Outstanding Angeleno” by the Los Angeles Daily News. Ross and his wife Jennifer have been married for 21 years, and have four beautiful children. John Michael, their son who has Down Syndrome is their first born.
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