“Integrity is what you do when no one is watching.”
-Tony Dungy
There they stand in the middle of an empty field at dusk. Husband and wife, peasant potato farmers with their tools, wheelbarrow, sacks, and basket surrounding them, their heads are bowed in reverence. The church steeple in the distance along with the title of the painting, The Angelus, tells us why. The man and woman have heard the bells calling them to prayer and they’ve obeyed. They don’t have to. God knows they’re exhausted from a full day of backbreaking work. Their clothes are dirty, and their expressions sober. Who would blame them for continuing to work in order to more quickly wrap things up for the evening, and maybe cut a few corners? Would it even qualify as cutting corners? For this couple it would be, and they’d know it; that settles sit. So they stop.
Jean-Francois Millet’s iconic painting is a profound statement about integrity.
Integrity is about what you do when no one’s watching. It’s about knowing and behaving as you should; not because you must, or because you’re afraid, or because you are going to somehow be compensated with acclaim, or a promotion, or a bonus. This moral discipline is the fruit of repetition, of practice...lots of practice.
Aristotle wrote that excellence is a habit, not an act. Being generous on occasion, being merciful when it’s convenient, being sacrificial when you know there’s a pay-off, being faithful in most ways, loving people who love you…this might pass in today’s world as character, but it’s still not integrity.
Integrity comes from the word that means “whole” or “complete”, and it’s about living in ways that make you whole, complete. It’s about your walk and your talk being congruent; about consistency, trustworthiness, and truthfulness. Integrity does not ask you to be perfect, but it does demand an ever-deepening, lived commitment to good habits; habits that lead to real happiness.
What are the “potato fields” of your life? The places where you are not immediately accountable? Where can you “cut corners” morally and probably get away with it: your work, your finances, your interaction with others, the internet, the movies and television shows you watch?
If you’re anything like the rest of humankind, you’ll have good days and bad days; days you’re proud of and days you’d just as soon forget. Work at seeing integrity as a process you begin anew each morning, and evaluate each evening.
And see integrity as a reward in itself; something you strive for because you can.
Question for reflection: Who is your model for integrity?
Monday, June 27, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Favorite Things
"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
-Howard Thurman
What makes you come alive? Sounds like an unnecessary question for serious-minded people, intent on making the world a better place. Or worse, distracting…after all, life’s too short to waste time on “ice-breaker”, touchy-feely exercises, right? Let’s just focus on responsibility, duty, sacrifice, and leave psycho-babble tripe to encounter groups and high school student-exchange programs.
I’ve been there, and thought that. So, let me put it differently: When you stand before your Creator someday, will God ask you why you weren’t more like Mother Teresa, Mahatma Gandhi, or Abraham Lincoln…or why you weren’t more like the person YOU were meant to be? (Hint: It’s going to be about you).
“Coming alive” is a challenge that’s a good deal more important than one might understand at first; far more than having and maintaining a pulse, and checking the boxes on your daily to-do list. It’s fundamentally about becoming the vital, creative person you were meant to be; it’s about coming alive.
O.K., so how does this happen? How does one come alive?
The most popular response is to change something about your life, shake things up, have a new experience: a memorable vacation, a new hobby, a job change, a new home, a new relationship, bungee jumping. This can help you “come alive” if the new experience can somehow impact you deeply enough to change old patterns. But these experiences are too often like the defibrillator machine and paddles a hospital might use to save someone in cardiac arrest. A quick blast of electricity, and then…
There is another way; one that takes more reflection and time. But it’s also more reliable because it taps into something already deep inside you. Rodgers and Hammerstein provide a clue (now there’s a sentence I never thought I’d write!).
Recall in The Sound of Music, when Julie Andrews sings “My Favorite Things”? She recites a litany of things that help her feel better: raindrops, kittens, kettles, and mittens. But it’s a good deal more than a simple list she’s racing through; these things have memories and life-giving associations attached to them…as well as instructions.
When I recite a list of just a few of my “favorites” (Jenni, my children, the beach at sunset, lavender, Santa Barbara, Gregorian chant, the Lakers, sycamore trees, pecan pie, Springsteen, Eliot), I come alive, I’m energized, and I’m reminded of what I already know.
Memories are so much more than snapshots of people, places, and things from long ago. They help us learn from the past, process new information, and point the way forward; re-presenting what has worked, what we’ve cherished, and what we could still embrace. We are reminded of how we’ve come alive before, and that we don’t need to search outside ourselves to really come alive again…for good.
We just need to remember.
Question for reflection: What are your favorite things, and what do they tell you about coming alive?
-Howard Thurman
What makes you come alive? Sounds like an unnecessary question for serious-minded people, intent on making the world a better place. Or worse, distracting…after all, life’s too short to waste time on “ice-breaker”, touchy-feely exercises, right? Let’s just focus on responsibility, duty, sacrifice, and leave psycho-babble tripe to encounter groups and high school student-exchange programs.
I’ve been there, and thought that. So, let me put it differently: When you stand before your Creator someday, will God ask you why you weren’t more like Mother Teresa, Mahatma Gandhi, or Abraham Lincoln…or why you weren’t more like the person YOU were meant to be? (Hint: It’s going to be about you).
“Coming alive” is a challenge that’s a good deal more important than one might understand at first; far more than having and maintaining a pulse, and checking the boxes on your daily to-do list. It’s fundamentally about becoming the vital, creative person you were meant to be; it’s about coming alive.
O.K., so how does this happen? How does one come alive?
The most popular response is to change something about your life, shake things up, have a new experience: a memorable vacation, a new hobby, a job change, a new home, a new relationship, bungee jumping. This can help you “come alive” if the new experience can somehow impact you deeply enough to change old patterns. But these experiences are too often like the defibrillator machine and paddles a hospital might use to save someone in cardiac arrest. A quick blast of electricity, and then…
There is another way; one that takes more reflection and time. But it’s also more reliable because it taps into something already deep inside you. Rodgers and Hammerstein provide a clue (now there’s a sentence I never thought I’d write!).
Recall in The Sound of Music, when Julie Andrews sings “My Favorite Things”? She recites a litany of things that help her feel better: raindrops, kittens, kettles, and mittens. But it’s a good deal more than a simple list she’s racing through; these things have memories and life-giving associations attached to them…as well as instructions.
When I recite a list of just a few of my “favorites” (Jenni, my children, the beach at sunset, lavender, Santa Barbara, Gregorian chant, the Lakers, sycamore trees, pecan pie, Springsteen, Eliot), I come alive, I’m energized, and I’m reminded of what I already know.
Memories are so much more than snapshots of people, places, and things from long ago. They help us learn from the past, process new information, and point the way forward; re-presenting what has worked, what we’ve cherished, and what we could still embrace. We are reminded of how we’ve come alive before, and that we don’t need to search outside ourselves to really come alive again…for good.
We just need to remember.
Question for reflection: What are your favorite things, and what do they tell you about coming alive?
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Knock, knock, knock
Let everything happen to you; beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final."
-Rainer Maria Rilke
I heard it again today in a counseling session. In fact, if I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard this sentence in my practice, I’d already be able to afford my beach house.
“I know I shouldn’t feel this way.”
You shouldn’t feel what way? Angry, sad, anxious, sexual, bored, skeptical, scared, happy, hopeless? Hmmm….
Few issues are more complicated, less understood, and more routinely mis-used than feelings, emotions. And what I find fascinating is how often they are still seen as threats to stability and general well-being, as intruders to be guarded against.
Feelings move us, stir us, and remind us that our inner worlds hold immense power we are only partially conscious of. Memories and experiences are stored up in the attics of our minds like boxed up books and toys from long ago; dusty and hidden from the light. But then something is said, or done, and in a flash the past is suddenly very present…uninvited. And feelings can leave us vulnerable.
So in an effort to protect and control, feelings are repressed, dismissed, or flat-out denied. “I’m fine.” It’s no big deal.” “It doesn’t matter.” “This is stupid.” “I don’t feel anything.”
This is psychologically equivalent to hearing the knock, knock, knock of the UPS man at the front door with a special delivery for you, and responding by running into the other room, turning up the stereo, and humming loudly until the knocking stops. However, unlike the UPS man, feelings won’t go away for long. And your attempts to avoid emotional pain and discomfort will only cause you greater distress.
Feelings are not good or bad. They are value-neutral. What you do with feelings can be good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, constructive or destructive. But feelings are simply messengers trying to deliver important information to you about your life. What do you need to explore and heal? What do you need to change? What do you need to continue doing?
No feeling is final. But the damage done by not heeding messages from your interior world can be.
Question for reflection: What feelings are you most uncomfortable with?
Just keep going. No feeling is final."
-Rainer Maria Rilke
I heard it again today in a counseling session. In fact, if I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard this sentence in my practice, I’d already be able to afford my beach house.
“I know I shouldn’t feel this way.”
You shouldn’t feel what way? Angry, sad, anxious, sexual, bored, skeptical, scared, happy, hopeless? Hmmm….
Few issues are more complicated, less understood, and more routinely mis-used than feelings, emotions. And what I find fascinating is how often they are still seen as threats to stability and general well-being, as intruders to be guarded against.
Feelings move us, stir us, and remind us that our inner worlds hold immense power we are only partially conscious of. Memories and experiences are stored up in the attics of our minds like boxed up books and toys from long ago; dusty and hidden from the light. But then something is said, or done, and in a flash the past is suddenly very present…uninvited. And feelings can leave us vulnerable.
So in an effort to protect and control, feelings are repressed, dismissed, or flat-out denied. “I’m fine.” It’s no big deal.” “It doesn’t matter.” “This is stupid.” “I don’t feel anything.”
This is psychologically equivalent to hearing the knock, knock, knock of the UPS man at the front door with a special delivery for you, and responding by running into the other room, turning up the stereo, and humming loudly until the knocking stops. However, unlike the UPS man, feelings won’t go away for long. And your attempts to avoid emotional pain and discomfort will only cause you greater distress.
Feelings are not good or bad. They are value-neutral. What you do with feelings can be good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, constructive or destructive. But feelings are simply messengers trying to deliver important information to you about your life. What do you need to explore and heal? What do you need to change? What do you need to continue doing?
No feeling is final. But the damage done by not heeding messages from your interior world can be.
Question for reflection: What feelings are you most uncomfortable with?
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Accounting 101
“Accountability breeds response-ability."
-Stephen R. Covey
Talk about your wake-up call! Dr. Alfred Nobel, whose name has become synonymous with peace, was confronted one morning with his own obituary after a newspaper confused him with his recently deceased brother. “The merchant of death is dead!” the headline shouted. “Dr. Alfred Nobel, who became rich by finding ways to kill more people faster than ever, died yesterday.”
Nobel, the inventor of dynamite, was deeply disturbed that he would be remembered this way. And because of this experience he ended up designating the bulk of his massive estate for the establishment of the Nobel Prizes.
Accountability comes in many forms, even obituaries. And we will all have the chance to answer its call, sooner or later….answer for our actions, or inactions. “Accountability breeds response-ability,” because the challenge to live in truth comes from outside of us, reveals to us our psychological and spiritual blind spots, and stretches us beyond where we’d go if left to our own devices.
But what do you get when you answer to no one? And even worse, that in your isolation and denial your discernment is lacking? What you get is an increasingly large segment of American culture.
A significant amount of research suggests that Americans don’t understand the true nature of accountability, and are increasingly likely to fall prey to the phenomenon known as the “self-serving bias.” What does that mean? People will show a reliable tendency to interpret events in ways that are most favorable to them, or show them in the best possible light, even when objective facts don’t justify these judgments.
If I get the job it’s because I’m wonderful, if I don’t it’s because I was discriminated against. If I stay with my wife, it’s because I’m wonderful, if I leave it’s because she wasn’t meeting my needs. If my son excels in school it’s because he’s my son, and I’m wonderful, if he rebels it’s because of the school.
This is consistent with what Paul Vitz has called “selfism”, and what Christopher Lasch has called “the culture of narcissism.”
I can decide that I want to drive to San Francisco. I can have a high-performance car, a confident attitude, and even know what I want to do when I get there. But if I go south instead of north, and then east instead of west, I’m not going to end up in San Francisco. And all of my positive self-talk and ego-strength won’t change the fact that I’m headed in the wrong direction. In fact, the longer I go without a clue, the more lost I’ll get.
We routinely seek out and follow trustworthy information about diets, movies, restaurants, clothes, fitness regimens, electronic devices, and finances. Should we not do at least as much for the direction of our lives, and our eternal souls?
Question for reflection: Who do you answer to?
-Stephen R. Covey
Talk about your wake-up call! Dr. Alfred Nobel, whose name has become synonymous with peace, was confronted one morning with his own obituary after a newspaper confused him with his recently deceased brother. “The merchant of death is dead!” the headline shouted. “Dr. Alfred Nobel, who became rich by finding ways to kill more people faster than ever, died yesterday.”
Nobel, the inventor of dynamite, was deeply disturbed that he would be remembered this way. And because of this experience he ended up designating the bulk of his massive estate for the establishment of the Nobel Prizes.
Accountability comes in many forms, even obituaries. And we will all have the chance to answer its call, sooner or later….answer for our actions, or inactions. “Accountability breeds response-ability,” because the challenge to live in truth comes from outside of us, reveals to us our psychological and spiritual blind spots, and stretches us beyond where we’d go if left to our own devices.
But what do you get when you answer to no one? And even worse, that in your isolation and denial your discernment is lacking? What you get is an increasingly large segment of American culture.
A significant amount of research suggests that Americans don’t understand the true nature of accountability, and are increasingly likely to fall prey to the phenomenon known as the “self-serving bias.” What does that mean? People will show a reliable tendency to interpret events in ways that are most favorable to them, or show them in the best possible light, even when objective facts don’t justify these judgments.
If I get the job it’s because I’m wonderful, if I don’t it’s because I was discriminated against. If I stay with my wife, it’s because I’m wonderful, if I leave it’s because she wasn’t meeting my needs. If my son excels in school it’s because he’s my son, and I’m wonderful, if he rebels it’s because of the school.
This is consistent with what Paul Vitz has called “selfism”, and what Christopher Lasch has called “the culture of narcissism.”
I can decide that I want to drive to San Francisco. I can have a high-performance car, a confident attitude, and even know what I want to do when I get there. But if I go south instead of north, and then east instead of west, I’m not going to end up in San Francisco. And all of my positive self-talk and ego-strength won’t change the fact that I’m headed in the wrong direction. In fact, the longer I go without a clue, the more lost I’ll get.
We routinely seek out and follow trustworthy information about diets, movies, restaurants, clothes, fitness regimens, electronic devices, and finances. Should we not do at least as much for the direction of our lives, and our eternal souls?
Question for reflection: Who do you answer to?
Saturday, June 4, 2011
It's not JUST about you!
"We live our lives like chips in a kaleidoscope, always parts of patterns that are larger than ourselves and somehow more than the sum of their parts."
-Salvador Minuchin
Here’s a commencement address I’d love to hear spoken gently, lovingly, and with real conviction to all graduates, at all graduations around the world: at high schools, colleges, and graduate schools:
"It’s about you, but it’s not just about you.”
I believe this message would be good for those in the audience to hear as well.
You matter. You are special. You are unique. And so are the other 6.92 billion human beings you need to learn how to share this planet with.
One needs to be careful at times of great celebration not to get preachy. Actually there’s no great time to get preachy. But a commencement ceremony is a particularly strategic place to point out the wonderfully complex, inter-relatedness of life, and then to challenge any folks who might still be listening to try to think at least as much about others as they do about themselves.
We are, as Minuchin points out, like chips in a kaleidoscope…part of a pattern much bigger than we can even imagine. We don’t get smaller with this realization, but our understanding of the world can get a whole lot bigger. And this is a good start.
In truth, there is no such thing as an “independent” person, a self-made person, a lone-ranger. You did not create yourself, you did not create the talents you’ve been blessed with, and you did not create the natural world you live in. Yes, you have the opportunity and responsibility to develop the life and talents you were given, and embrace the world around you, but this doesn’t happen in isolation either. You stand on the shoulders of others; others who have sacrificed, struggled, and persevered in making your world better.
This is a ridiculously obvious insight, but insight has never guaranteed change. And in a culture that is increasingly privatized, and thus increasingly splintered and alienated, it’s best not to assume about anything that's important.
So what do we do with this insight? We recognize the gift, we recognize the giver, and then we start saying thank you; thoughtfully, sincerely, and continuously. Life is a gift, health is a gift, love and friendship are gifts, freedom is a gift, truth is a gift, beauty is a gift, work is a gift, play is a gift, triumphs are a gift, struggles are a gift. And the opportunity to make a difference for the Good with all you’ve been given is perhaps the greatest gift of all.
Gratitude opens us up to all that is good, and to a deeper knowing that our world is not accidental, but Providential.
It’s about you, but it’s not just about you. And you should be grateful!
-Salvador Minuchin
Here’s a commencement address I’d love to hear spoken gently, lovingly, and with real conviction to all graduates, at all graduations around the world: at high schools, colleges, and graduate schools:
"It’s about you, but it’s not just about you.”
I believe this message would be good for those in the audience to hear as well.
You matter. You are special. You are unique. And so are the other 6.92 billion human beings you need to learn how to share this planet with.
One needs to be careful at times of great celebration not to get preachy. Actually there’s no great time to get preachy. But a commencement ceremony is a particularly strategic place to point out the wonderfully complex, inter-relatedness of life, and then to challenge any folks who might still be listening to try to think at least as much about others as they do about themselves.
We are, as Minuchin points out, like chips in a kaleidoscope…part of a pattern much bigger than we can even imagine. We don’t get smaller with this realization, but our understanding of the world can get a whole lot bigger. And this is a good start.
In truth, there is no such thing as an “independent” person, a self-made person, a lone-ranger. You did not create yourself, you did not create the talents you’ve been blessed with, and you did not create the natural world you live in. Yes, you have the opportunity and responsibility to develop the life and talents you were given, and embrace the world around you, but this doesn’t happen in isolation either. You stand on the shoulders of others; others who have sacrificed, struggled, and persevered in making your world better.
This is a ridiculously obvious insight, but insight has never guaranteed change. And in a culture that is increasingly privatized, and thus increasingly splintered and alienated, it’s best not to assume about anything that's important.
So what do we do with this insight? We recognize the gift, we recognize the giver, and then we start saying thank you; thoughtfully, sincerely, and continuously. Life is a gift, health is a gift, love and friendship are gifts, freedom is a gift, truth is a gift, beauty is a gift, work is a gift, play is a gift, triumphs are a gift, struggles are a gift. And the opportunity to make a difference for the Good with all you’ve been given is perhaps the greatest gift of all.
Gratitude opens us up to all that is good, and to a deeper knowing that our world is not accidental, but Providential.
It’s about you, but it’s not just about you. And you should be grateful!
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