Let everything happen to you; beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final."
-Rainer Maria Rilke
I heard it again today in a counseling session. In fact, if I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard this sentence in my practice, I’d already be able to afford my beach house.
“I know I shouldn’t feel this way.”
You shouldn’t feel what way? Angry, sad, anxious, sexual, bored, skeptical, scared, happy, hopeless? Hmmm….
Few issues are more complicated, less understood, and more routinely mis-used than feelings, emotions. And what I find fascinating is how often they are still seen as threats to stability and general well-being, as intruders to be guarded against.
Feelings move us, stir us, and remind us that our inner worlds hold immense power we are only partially conscious of. Memories and experiences are stored up in the attics of our minds like boxed up books and toys from long ago; dusty and hidden from the light. But then something is said, or done, and in a flash the past is suddenly very present…uninvited. And feelings can leave us vulnerable.
So in an effort to protect and control, feelings are repressed, dismissed, or flat-out denied. “I’m fine.” It’s no big deal.” “It doesn’t matter.” “This is stupid.” “I don’t feel anything.”
This is psychologically equivalent to hearing the knock, knock, knock of the UPS man at the front door with a special delivery for you, and responding by running into the other room, turning up the stereo, and humming loudly until the knocking stops. However, unlike the UPS man, feelings won’t go away for long. And your attempts to avoid emotional pain and discomfort will only cause you greater distress.
Feelings are not good or bad. They are value-neutral. What you do with feelings can be good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, constructive or destructive. But feelings are simply messengers trying to deliver important information to you about your life. What do you need to explore and heal? What do you need to change? What do you need to continue doing?
No feeling is final. But the damage done by not heeding messages from your interior world can be.
Question for reflection: What feelings are you most uncomfortable with?
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About Me
- Ross Porter
- Dr. Ross Porter received his B.A. from the University of California, Santa Barbara, and his Master of Divinity (Theology) and Ph.D. (Clinical Psychology) degrees from Fuller Theological Seminary, where he first became interested in the integration of psychology and spirituality. He is a teacher, author, counselor, and consultant, specializing in integrative psychology, virtue ethics and family systems. He has taught at the high school, college, and graduate school levels. Ross is also the Founder and Executive Director of Stillpoint Family Resources, a non-profit organization that offers counseling services to individuals, couples, and families in crisis, with nine different office locations throughout Ventura, Los Angeles and Orange Counties (specific office locations can be found at www.stillpointfamilyresources.org). In 2009, Dr. Porter was named an “Outstanding Angeleno” by the Los Angeles Daily News. Ross and his wife Jennifer have been married for 21 years, and have four beautiful children. John Michael, their son who has Down Syndrome is their first born.
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