“What map am I looking at?”
Is this Los Angeles?
Have you ever seen an old map of a place you’re familiar with? The other day I looked at downtown Los Angeles from the perspective of a map made in 1909. The mapmaker, a gentleman named Worthington Gates, had done a beautiful job charting out the streets, and I’m sure he was quite accurate in his calculations and identifications. But how helpful would this map be for me today, if I wanted to get from the Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels to the 5 Freeway, or figure out the fastest route from my lunch meeting on Grand Avenue to a 1:00 appointment on 6th Street? Obviously, not too helpful; Worthington Gates’ Los Angeles has grown some. The San Gabriel Mountains still stand in the distance, and the Pacific Ocean shimmers to the west, but roads have been erased, broadened, or renamed. Freeways have been built, sky-scrapers erected, and millions of people have moved in. I need a recently updated Thomas Brothers Guide or a print out from Mapquest.com to find the directions that will help me get from one part of town to another. O.K. fine, but what does this have to do with marriage?
Have you ever found yourself in a conversation with your spouse, and had things take an unexpected turn? You’ve found yourself on either the giving or the receiving end of an emotional meltdown, and found yourself wondering what just happened. A seemingly innocuous discussion about where to go on vacation, or how much money to spend on a car, or what color to paint the kitchen devolves into tears, or shouting, or an icy stare. The feelings are disproportionate, much stronger than the given context would normally call for. You can almost imagine yourself saying, “This territory is vaguely familiar, but I think we made a wrong turn somewhere?”
Home is where one starts from, and by home I mean much more than the physical structure you grew up in. The home you were born into, your family-of-origin, was your first experience of community. This has influenced you in ways you may not fully recognize, and still does. Your family, starting with your mother and father, created a psychological map for you that showed you how to navigate your way through relationships. With this map you learned how to love and like, hope and dream, fear and fight. You watched your family interact, and you experienced the ways they related to you, and the learning went deep. When you entered into your marriage, you brought with you this map of relating, and it will re-appear from time to time seemingly out of nowhere, bringing with it the old ways and the old pain. Tone of voice, certain physical characteristics, particular subjects, and personality traits can all be triggers that summon the past and link it powerfully to the present.
A woman whose father cheated on her mother may be overly suspicious of her own husband, when he innocently visits with an attractive female at a party. A man who had a controlling mother may bristle whenever his wife asks him to go a little out of his way to do something for her. A couple that came from emotionally violent families fears conflict, and chooses instead to hide anger behind chronic over-activity. Confusion reigns, and opportunities for bonding and growing as both individuals and as partners are missed. The process of leaving mother and father (and your original family), and being joined to your spouse in marriage is much more complicated than simply changing addresses!
Same feelings, different family
At one time, the map your family-of-origin gave you might have worked reasonably well. But, the terrain has changed, you have changed, and your role has changed. You are no longer a child of six, or ten, or fourteen. You no longer need to get your mother’s permission to stay out late, or hide feelings your father wasn’t comfortable with, or worry about being punished if conflict breaks out. You are an adult, with much more freedom to choose now, and you are a spouse who is part of the core of a new family. Becoming “one” with your partner demands that together, you figure out ways of being in relationship that fit for you now. You may choose to adopt some of what worked in your original family, and decide to reject other parts. This is not your parents’ marriage, and it’s not your parents’ home. But choice is seldom an unpolluted, simple process, and we don’t always act like free adults. In times of stress, conflict, and anxiety, we can get confused about whom we’re relating to, and what home we’re living in, and what our role is. And just like trying to find your way around present day Los Angeles with a map from 1909, you can get very lost.
We marry the person who can potentially help us complete the emotional work we began with our family of origin. We don’t fully grasp this potential at the time of marriage because we don’t typically know our selves or our spouses well enough, but this doesn’t change the fact that the gift of healing was there from the start. I say potentially because you and your spouse still need to cooperate with God’s plan in order to finish growing up, and this is by no means an easy task. Trusting another and being vulnerable takes time in even the best of circumstances, and distinguishing between childhood maps and current ones is much harder than it sounds. To further complicate matters, as years go by and the marriage takes hits, it can be more and more difficult to be open, and stay open, to your partner. Naturally, when pain begins to build, the human instinct is to revert back to what you knew best, and what you knew first…your original map for relationships. The heart can become hardened, and the directions for compatibility confused.
However, this map does not have to control you. Just like the mapmaker Worthington Gates would do if he were asked to design a map of downtown Los Angeles today, you can make changes to your map and update the information. Here are 5 practical suggestions that can help:
Is this Los Angeles?
Have you ever seen an old map of a place you’re familiar with? The other day I looked at downtown Los Angeles from the perspective of a map made in 1909. The mapmaker, a gentleman named Worthington Gates, had done a beautiful job charting out the streets, and I’m sure he was quite accurate in his calculations and identifications. But how helpful would this map be for me today, if I wanted to get from the Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels to the 5 Freeway, or figure out the fastest route from my lunch meeting on Grand Avenue to a 1:00 appointment on 6th Street? Obviously, not too helpful; Worthington Gates’ Los Angeles has grown some. The San Gabriel Mountains still stand in the distance, and the Pacific Ocean shimmers to the west, but roads have been erased, broadened, or renamed. Freeways have been built, sky-scrapers erected, and millions of people have moved in. I need a recently updated Thomas Brothers Guide or a print out from Mapquest.com to find the directions that will help me get from one part of town to another. O.K. fine, but what does this have to do with marriage?
Have you ever found yourself in a conversation with your spouse, and had things take an unexpected turn? You’ve found yourself on either the giving or the receiving end of an emotional meltdown, and found yourself wondering what just happened. A seemingly innocuous discussion about where to go on vacation, or how much money to spend on a car, or what color to paint the kitchen devolves into tears, or shouting, or an icy stare. The feelings are disproportionate, much stronger than the given context would normally call for. You can almost imagine yourself saying, “This territory is vaguely familiar, but I think we made a wrong turn somewhere?”
Home is where one starts from, and by home I mean much more than the physical structure you grew up in. The home you were born into, your family-of-origin, was your first experience of community. This has influenced you in ways you may not fully recognize, and still does. Your family, starting with your mother and father, created a psychological map for you that showed you how to navigate your way through relationships. With this map you learned how to love and like, hope and dream, fear and fight. You watched your family interact, and you experienced the ways they related to you, and the learning went deep. When you entered into your marriage, you brought with you this map of relating, and it will re-appear from time to time seemingly out of nowhere, bringing with it the old ways and the old pain. Tone of voice, certain physical characteristics, particular subjects, and personality traits can all be triggers that summon the past and link it powerfully to the present.
A woman whose father cheated on her mother may be overly suspicious of her own husband, when he innocently visits with an attractive female at a party. A man who had a controlling mother may bristle whenever his wife asks him to go a little out of his way to do something for her. A couple that came from emotionally violent families fears conflict, and chooses instead to hide anger behind chronic over-activity. Confusion reigns, and opportunities for bonding and growing as both individuals and as partners are missed. The process of leaving mother and father (and your original family), and being joined to your spouse in marriage is much more complicated than simply changing addresses!
Same feelings, different family
At one time, the map your family-of-origin gave you might have worked reasonably well. But, the terrain has changed, you have changed, and your role has changed. You are no longer a child of six, or ten, or fourteen. You no longer need to get your mother’s permission to stay out late, or hide feelings your father wasn’t comfortable with, or worry about being punished if conflict breaks out. You are an adult, with much more freedom to choose now, and you are a spouse who is part of the core of a new family. Becoming “one” with your partner demands that together, you figure out ways of being in relationship that fit for you now. You may choose to adopt some of what worked in your original family, and decide to reject other parts. This is not your parents’ marriage, and it’s not your parents’ home. But choice is seldom an unpolluted, simple process, and we don’t always act like free adults. In times of stress, conflict, and anxiety, we can get confused about whom we’re relating to, and what home we’re living in, and what our role is. And just like trying to find your way around present day Los Angeles with a map from 1909, you can get very lost.
We marry the person who can potentially help us complete the emotional work we began with our family of origin. We don’t fully grasp this potential at the time of marriage because we don’t typically know our selves or our spouses well enough, but this doesn’t change the fact that the gift of healing was there from the start. I say potentially because you and your spouse still need to cooperate with God’s plan in order to finish growing up, and this is by no means an easy task. Trusting another and being vulnerable takes time in even the best of circumstances, and distinguishing between childhood maps and current ones is much harder than it sounds. To further complicate matters, as years go by and the marriage takes hits, it can be more and more difficult to be open, and stay open, to your partner. Naturally, when pain begins to build, the human instinct is to revert back to what you knew best, and what you knew first…your original map for relationships. The heart can become hardened, and the directions for compatibility confused.
However, this map does not have to control you. Just like the mapmaker Worthington Gates would do if he were asked to design a map of downtown Los Angeles today, you can make changes to your map and update the information. Here are 5 practical suggestions that can help:
1) Play time: Set aside quality time each week to spend together, nurturing your friendship, having fun, and exploring the mystery of the other
2) Tracking device: Check in with each other throughout the day, to simply communicate care, concern, and interest
3) Empathy: Seek understanding before agreement (if one feels truly heard, seen, and respected good typically follows!)
4) Fighting fair: Avoid threats and hurtful words, be clear with each other about what the issue is, own your share of the problem, and seek a compromise that honors the relationship
5) Know your limits: Be open to strategic counsel from a therapist, a minister, or a rabbi if problems persist
The goal is not to avoid the past, an impossible task, but rather to minimize the confusion and pain, and maximize the learning.
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