Growing Up: The Virtue of Being Family

The family is the heart of our society, of civilization itself. This has always been the case in every culture and every country throughout history. Nothing has a greater influence over an individual than the family unit...not school, not profession, not even church or synagogue. The family of origin, that is the family we are born into, gives us our blueprint for how to see and interact with self, others, life, and God. Family is our first teacher. This is not to say we need to be controlled by our pasts. Certainly healing and growth can happen at any stage of life, but as long as we live we will be interacting with our original families, if not face-to-face at least in our hearts and minds.

Being a family is so much more than simple genetics, or living together under one roof, or eating a certain amount of meals together, or sharing a common history, or even sharing a last name. Being family does not happen accidentally, it must be chosen...multiple times a day. We choose to be family when we make concrete decisions, big and small, with what we say or don't say, do or don't do, think or don't think, feel or don't feel.

• We choose to be family when we love each other in word and deed
• We choose to be family when we teach our children right and wrong, and hold ourselves to the same objective standard
• We choose to be family when we listen to each other at least as much as we speak to each other
• We choose to be family when we reach outside of ourselves and serve others
• We choose to be family when we celebrate the uniqueness of each individual family member
• We choose to be family when we play together, laugh together, and celebrate Sabbath together

Being family is a process that must become habitual...that's why I'm calling it a virtue. And good habits take time to form. Practice, practice, practice...with little and big acts, growing in consistency, intentional and freely given. It's not always easy, and it's not always fun. A healthy family recognizes this, and chooses to make the investment of time, energy, and spirit anyway.

There is nothing more important on a natural level than truly practicing the virtue of being family, and as we ask God into this process, to bless and guide our efforts, the results become sacramental. Get started (or re-started) tonight. You'll be glad a thousand years from now that you did!

The Virtue Project

Stillpoint Family Resources is very excited to announce that The Virtue Project, in development for over a year, is ready to "take on the road." There are five modules to this practical, engaging, and empowering Character Formation program that integrates psychology with theology and philosophy: 1) The Believer, 2) The Couple, 3) The Family, 4) The Parent, 5) The Teen.

Please pray for this work, for the speaking engagements we're already booking, and for future opportunities! And let us know if you'd like more information!

To What End....

St. Maximillian Kolbe, a Franciscan priest, died 69 years ago this day in a starvation bunker at Auschwitz. His is a remarkable story of courage and love.

Because he was a Catholic priest confronting evil, the Nazis arrested him and sent him to the concentration camp. In July 1941, a man from Kolbe's barracks vanished, prompting the deputy camp commander to pick 10 men from the same barracks to be starved to death in order to deter further escape attempts. One of the selected men, Franciszek Gajowniczek, cried out, "My wife, my children!" It was then that Kolbe volunteered to take his place. No greater love....

After three weeks, all the men in the starvation bunker had died except for Father Kolbe. Finally losing patience with the process, the guards gave him a lethal shot of carbolic acid to finish the job....as if death could silence such a life. Roughly 40 years later, at the canonization ceremony for St. Maximillian, Gajowniczek (the man Kolbe had volunteered to die for) was present and spoke.

Maximillian Kolbe is an obvious example of what we would call a martyr. But as I sat in church this morning, I began reflecting on what he'd say if he was preaching the homily. My serious hunch is that he'd focus on what the word martyr means..."witness."

What does your life witness to? What does it say about your beliefs and values? How much time do you spend reflecting on your actions, your choices, your relationships, and where you're headed in life? And to what end? What's the point? Intentionality is crucial in the practice of virtue....like a compass is to a ship on the open sea.

Kolbe certainly knew what his purpose was, and he lived with a razor sharp focus. "Only love creates..." And if he were here today, I believe he'd challenge each of us to be creative in this way; to get outside ourselves and serve. To love in action. And as a Franciscan, he'd also tell us to do it in simple and small ways. Choose to do 1,000 things 1% better...

This is the way of transformation. This is where true and lasting joy will be found, where action meets purpose....and where peace and salvation wait.

"One Man's Trash...."

Antique stores are hopeful places; places that believe in second chances. They accept what others have thrown away, given up on, discarded as un-useable, because they see the potential that remains. Recently, I found myself in a dusty and well-stocked one named "One Man's Trash...", an hommage to the saying, "One man's trash is another man's treasure." This store had a little of everything, from automobile parts, to farming and gardening equipment, to knick-knacks and artwork found in everyday households. I struck up a conversation with the older gentleman who owned the store, wondering what he enjoyed most about the antiques business. "I believe that everything can be used again, and nothing needs to be wasted," he said with a contented smile. "I love that notion." Me too.

Everything can be useful, and nothing need be wasted; sounds a little like St. Paul's counsel to the Church at Rome. How much healthier we, and our relationships, would be if this philosphy were truly embraced in mind and heart, and lived out daily? And most particularly in relationship with an inexhaustibly merciful God?!

God can and does use everything to help us grow up emotionally and spiritually, if you'll invite Him into your own personal "antique store," where there are many things that can be re-purposed, renewed, and restored with the right amount of care and attention.

The parts of our lives we're tempted to bury or hide out of shame and guilt are precisely the parts God wants to use to keep us focused on Him, and the path that leads to Life. And He is never put off or scandalized by our imperfections. Does He care if we lie, cheat, steal, gossip, abuse substances, and rebel in any number of other ways? Of course He does, because He loves us and wants the best for us. But through it all, He never stops loving us and calling us back to what is most essential, to what is true.

In all things God works for good, and He loves unconditionally. If He didn't, the manger in Bethlehem and the Cross at Golgotha would never have happened. Through our mistakes, and heartfelt acknowledgement of those mistakes, He promises to teach, to empower, and to inspire us to virtue, and to lasting peace and joy. However, all too often this reclamation project of turning "trash into treasure" is blocked by us, stalling growth and trust in self and others.

And when you're thinking of blocks to healthy and holy living, start with pride. Pride is the Queen of the Deadly Sins for a reason. It was the original sin, and all sins grow from it. It has infected humankind ever since Eden. Pride convinces us that we can do it alone, that we don't need others, that perhaps we're even better than others. Pride also tells us that how we look to others is more important than who we are. So, the great cover up begins in earnest.

Isolation is the fruit of pride. And isolation kills.

Brokenness is an essential part of our inheritance as fallen human beings, but it does not need to be our destiny. God uses everything, but we must first choose to invite Him into the mess, the chaos, the "trash." Give everything to Him: your regrets and fears, your envy and resentments, all those mistakes you feel are too terrible to admit to. Ask for help, and then move on the resources He'll send: emotional, relational, and spiritual. Do this today...and again tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, and so on....because the antique store of your soul must remain open for business, and you need to show up for work every day!

"Trash to treasure"...the ultimate recycling plan!

Controlled Burn

A few years ago I had the opportunity to hike in the beautiful, emerald forests surrounding Lake Tahoe for the first time, but midway through I was surprised to wander upon dozens and dozens of what appeared to be funeral pyres dotting the hillsides; dry brush and splintered tree limbs gathered together and neatly stacked in piles, waiting to be set ablaze in controlled burns the forestry service systematically conducts every autumn. These stacks of debris were, in some cases, only a few yards away from 100 foot pines and I couldn’t help but reflect on the control the firefighters have to have over these fires they intentionally set, to keep the burns from becoming an infernal nightmare. It is well known that to not clear space and remove excess flammable material would be to limit the sustained growth of the forest, and set the region up for a major disaster. The inherent risk of controlled burns is essential for long-term safety. To lower this risk, of course, the forestry service is very careful to choose what they burn, where they burn, and when they burn.

Anger is something like fire, burning white-hot with intensity and power. It can be used for illumination and warmth, and to clear away the emotional and spiritual debris getting in the way of healthy growth in a marriage. Or, it can be permitted to burn out of control, destroying anything and everything in its path and leaving a trail of death in its wake. As a clinical psychologist, I’m actually concerned when I hear a couple say that they never fight, and never get angry with each other. This isn’t real, and is sure evidence that at least one person in the relationship is hiding. Human beings step on toes while dancing, and occasionally stomping, through life. Even when we’re not trying to be hurtful, it’s just a matter of time, and when the hurt comes the burn of anger is soon to follow. Fine, as long as these burns are “controlled.” Like the forestry service preparing for life-sustaining burns in the mountains, time and place is critical.

Fighting in front of others, in public view, is the emotional and spiritual equivalent of the forestry firemen randomly setting anything they see that’s brown on fire, and choosing the windiest, driest day to do the burn. I’m not talking about the moments where disagreements spring up in the course of conversation. A husband and wife might disagree about any number of different issues ranging in importance, and still “contain the burn” in public by staying sensitive to tone of voice, level of anger and hurt, amount of time the disagreement is allowed to run, and the reactions of those around them. Before too long, a neutral statement like, “Let’s talk more about this later”, or “I guess we can agree to disagree” is offered and accepted. No, I’m talking here about the fighting that doesn’t have boundaries.

Think of the last time you were at a family gathering, or double dating, or just sitting in a public space, and you observed two people fighting. It may have had a loud and emotionally violent quality to it, it may have been cutting and sarcastic, and it may have been chillingly quiet, but you felt the toxicity in the air and probably wanted to head in the opposite direction as quickly as possible. It’s incredibly uncomfortable to be around. Fighting in public is rude and selfish, with the implied message being, “Our problem is more important than your peace.” It chokes community and friendship. Specific to your marriage, when you fight in public you disrespect yourself, your spouse, and the very marriage vows you made.

You won’t always like the person you’re married to, and sometimes that dislike may even tempt you to hurt the one you love publicly, but don’t let that push you beyond appropriate social limits. If you do give in, trust in yourself and your partner will erode, and the cancer of disdain grows. Fight, but be careful to choose where, when, and how. Otherwise, you could be setting a forest fire in your marriage that does irreparable damage.

How are you looking?

When we first bought our house several years ago, there was a great deck in our backyard. From a distance it looked attractive, sturdy, functional. But as one got closer, it was clear that the deck was sagging in places. And standing on it confirmed that it was structurally unsound and needed to be torn down. I think of that old deck when I think of the deadly sin of envy.

“Envy rots the bones,” says the author of Proverbs. What an image! Of all the deadly sins it is the most pathetic, and arguably the most common. St. Thomas Aquinas defined it as “sorrow at another’s good.” Pathetic. Envy is the only deadly sin without even a moment of gratification. And it typically begins very early in life, as one feels an increasing sense of inecurity and competition with those around him or her: for love, for attention, for acceptance. Life for the soul struggling with envy is a series of competitions, and the envious always feels one-down....and is in fact collapsing at a foundational level, emotionally and spiritually.

But as deadly as envy is, it can be helpful in letting us know what we value most and this awareness can be the beginning of healing. Envying another’s good looks may tell us that we put too much importance on physical beauty. Envying a house, a boat, or a car, may be an indication that we base too much of our self-worth on material objects. Envying someone’s popularity may be a clue that we have not been good friends to others, or even to ourselves. Envy can help us take stock of our lives, and re-prioritize our values. The word envy comes from the Latin "invidere", which means "to look askance." Thus, it is in how we look at others, their talents, material possessions, and/or moral virtues that must be carefully considered. Envy focuses one’s vision on the negative aspects of life. The envious, with eyes narrowed, look for faults in others and opportunities to minimize their virtues and successes. This bitter disposition will eventually consume the envious person’s entire world if not challenged. This is why Spenser presents Envy riding atop a ravenous wolf in his pageant of the deadly sins, with venom dripping from its mouth. “For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice” (James 3:16).

Recently, I heard about an inspiring incident that occurred at a Special Olympics track meet. A group of mentally and physically challenged children lined up for the 100-yard dash, and when the starter’s gun sounded they were off toward the finish line, running for the gold medal. About ten yards into the race, one little boy tripped and fell. As he lay in the dust crying one of his competitors, a little girl with Down syndrome, heard him. She slowed, stopped, and then turned and went back to see how he was. One by one every runner in the race joined her, encircling the fallen athlete. The little boy was kissed, consoled, and encouraged to get up and rejoin the race. Then, as the stunned crowd looked on, all ten runners spontaneously grasped hands and ran the race together, crossing the finish line at the same time.

Charity, like envy, has everything to do with how one sees the race, the competition, and the prize.

Thank you, Coach....

Funny the things that come to mind when you hear that someone you knew has died.

I knew John Wooden in passing. He was friends with my father, and he was gracious enough to accept the Humanitas Award at our second Stillpoint Family Resources Gala. A week before the event, I had the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to meet with him at his home in Encino. He graciously autographed a basketball for our auction, and then chatted with me for about thirty minutes. I left knowing that I had been in the presence of greatness.

He'd spoken about basketball, but also about poetry, philosophy, and faith. The man was profound, and I was transfixed. Toward the end of our meeting, I was able to mumble that I'd had the privilege of attending four of his summer basketball camps, and how much I'd enjoyed them. He smiled and asked me if I remembered the drills. I did, actually. But what I remembered more had nothing to do with basketball.

I remember how Coach was with his wife. As a boy of eight, I noticed how he responded when he'd see her arrive at the camp. He seemed to explode with joy. This sports immortal, the "Wizard of Westwood", greatest coach in the history of college basketball (and maybe all of basketball), totally and unabashedly joyful about his wife. She'd enter the cafeteria and he'd get up, go to her, embrace her, and usher her to his table where they seemed to have a date...at least that's what it felt like. In the middle of a noisy cafeteria, at a basketball camp for kids, they were alone. I was eight and I noticed. What does that tell you about the power of their love?

John Wooden wasn't a great man because he won a lot of basketball games. He was great because he loved. He loved God, he loved learning, he loved people, he loved basketball, and he especially loved his wife. I smile to think that John and Nellie are finally together again tonight, forever.

Requiescat in pace, Coach. Thank you for teaching about what matters most.