“If you're going through hell, keep going.”
-Winston Churchill
Recently, I found myself lost while driving in a part of town I was not familiar with. I’d like to blame Mapquest for faulty information, but the truth is that I left the directions at home. I’m usually pretty good at navigating, and had a general sense of where I needed to go, so I decided to journey forth anyway. But as I neared my destination, I took the wrong off-ramp, and then several wrong turns. After several minutes of wandering into one dead-end after another, I had to admit that I was officially lost.
The bigger issue, however, was that I'd also somehow managed to find my way into the most unsafe neighborhood I’d ever been in, complete with broken street lights, drug deals, and gangbangers congregating on street corners. I was confused about my surroundings, but clear that to stop moving, to park and sit, to curse my lot and quit trying to find my way out would be unhealthy in more ways than one. I was not in hell, but it was close enough.
“If you find yourself in hell, keep going.”
I gathered myself and began again to look for street signs and landmarks that would point me in the right direction and re-orient me. Carefully, I exited this dark labyrinth and eventually entered a safer neighborhood where I could pull over and ask for help.
Life will sometimes feel like one dead-end after another, in a dangerous neighborhood, without a way out. Regardless of who you are, you will on occasion find yourself in hell. You can set out with a fair amount of confidence that where you’re intending to go is where you’re going to end up. You may even have your directions right there with you. But unexpected twists and turns will leave you confused and unsettled; lost. And the pain that accompanies the experience of being “lost” can feel like hell; overwhelming, terrifying, hopeless.
Perhaps it is an addiction, or a heartbreaking marriage, or an out-of-control child. Maybe you’ve lost your job, or your health? “Will the disappointment ever end?” “Will I ever get a break?” “Will these hard times pass?”
Yes…but only if you keep going.
See the “signs”, the “landmarks”, and the “maps” of your life. What has worked for you in the past and what hasn’t? What gives you peace and what doesn’t? What affirms life, and what doesn’t.
And KEEP GOING: toward people who are trustworthy, wise, and generous; toward sources of wisdom that communicate eternal truth to you; toward a future that allows you to live your giftedness with joy.
And hell will soon enough be in your rear view mirror.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Just the facts?
It’s Springtime, so allow me to recall my greatest personal baseball achievement. I hit an RBI single off a major league pitcher, in an all-star game, before a packed, standing-room only stadium. I’m serious. It was a letter-high fast ball. The pitcher was Bret Saberhagen, two-time Cy Young award winner and MVP of the 1985 World Series. He was to end up with 167 wins in his career, and pitch in three Major League all-star games.
Everything about this story is true. And it’s not enough. Because facts need to be placed in the larger context of life, of the larger story, in order for understanding to happen…
Bret and I were 12 years-old. The all-star game was Tarzana vs. Reseda. The packed stadium was the Encino-Tarzana Little League field. Oh, and he also struck me out two times that day. Bret would go on to achieve baseball greatness, and I would not.
People can present facts and still not tell the whole story. Facts can clarify, but they can also confuse. And if understanding isn’t sought and found, relationships will suffer and even end.
“All I said was ‘The Jones’ are going to Hawaii this summer’.” But what was your intent?
“I have to work these long hours in order to support this family.” But what about your other commitments?
“I’ve told my son a hundred times not to do that.” But have you heard what he’s been trying to tell you?
In times of conflict, the list of facts presented are all too often strategically chosen, carefully airbrushed, and part of a self-centered agenda; like an attorney trying to win a case in court. Understanding is lost in the battle to be “right.” And “right” can leave one feeling very alone.
What do you want out of relationships? Do you want to find love and happiness? Do you want to grow, and help others grow as well? Do you want to find real peace? Then you’d do well to seek more than just facts. Seek to understand and to be understood.
“What‘s your take on this?” “Tell me what your thoughts are.” “Help me understand where you’re coming from.” “What am I not hearing?”
What’s the story…the whole story?
Everything about this story is true. And it’s not enough. Because facts need to be placed in the larger context of life, of the larger story, in order for understanding to happen…
Bret and I were 12 years-old. The all-star game was Tarzana vs. Reseda. The packed stadium was the Encino-Tarzana Little League field. Oh, and he also struck me out two times that day. Bret would go on to achieve baseball greatness, and I would not.
People can present facts and still not tell the whole story. Facts can clarify, but they can also confuse. And if understanding isn’t sought and found, relationships will suffer and even end.
“All I said was ‘The Jones’ are going to Hawaii this summer’.” But what was your intent?
“I have to work these long hours in order to support this family.” But what about your other commitments?
“I’ve told my son a hundred times not to do that.” But have you heard what he’s been trying to tell you?
In times of conflict, the list of facts presented are all too often strategically chosen, carefully airbrushed, and part of a self-centered agenda; like an attorney trying to win a case in court. Understanding is lost in the battle to be “right.” And “right” can leave one feeling very alone.
What do you want out of relationships? Do you want to find love and happiness? Do you want to grow, and help others grow as well? Do you want to find real peace? Then you’d do well to seek more than just facts. Seek to understand and to be understood.
“What‘s your take on this?” “Tell me what your thoughts are.” “Help me understand where you’re coming from.” “What am I not hearing?”
What’s the story…the whole story?
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Bulls-eye!
“Being popular is a dangerous thing.”
-Anonymous
Honestly, I’ve always found it curious and more than a little disturbing that Christians celebrate so hardily Jesus’ “triumphal” entry into Jerusalem. As if we didn’t know how hollow, how fleeting, how painfully ironic this reception was.
We wave our palm fronds in the air as the service begins, and then continue fiddling with them as the Gospel message is read. Like we don't know what's coming. Or maybe it’s that we do know what’s coming, and it’s too uncomfortable to sit with.
Five days after being hailed as a King, the Rebel with a Cause would be betrayed and abandoned by his own, scorned, beaten, and prosecuted by the religious and political leaders of his region, and finally nailed to a cross for His efforts. The royal treatment indeed!
Popularity is a dangerous thing. It’s dangerous because it sets you up for envy. And hell hath no fury like people who are envious; people who hate you because of who you are and who they are. Popularity places a big bulls-eye right in the middle of your back. But this is not what you should spend time worrying about. Because the greatest damage is not caused by others, but by onesself.
Forget for a moment being hated for no good reason. What about being "loved" for no good reason?
In my practice I have worked with addictions of every kind, and I promise you nothing has the addictive, seductive power of popularity. How much of a hook is popularity for you? What have you compromised in order to be accepted and liked? What are you still willing to compromise? If pushed, everyone would deep down like to be popular. But at what cost?
In the end, we cannot control what people feel or think about us. However, we can control our addiction to what people feel or think about us, remaining focused on who we are and what we are called to do. And this starts by knowing what really matters, and what really doesn't.
Don't spend too much time looking at the crowd. They may love you today, and want to crucify you tomorrow. Keep your eyes on the real prize. That's the lesson of Palm Sunday.
-Anonymous
Honestly, I’ve always found it curious and more than a little disturbing that Christians celebrate so hardily Jesus’ “triumphal” entry into Jerusalem. As if we didn’t know how hollow, how fleeting, how painfully ironic this reception was.
We wave our palm fronds in the air as the service begins, and then continue fiddling with them as the Gospel message is read. Like we don't know what's coming. Or maybe it’s that we do know what’s coming, and it’s too uncomfortable to sit with.
Five days after being hailed as a King, the Rebel with a Cause would be betrayed and abandoned by his own, scorned, beaten, and prosecuted by the religious and political leaders of his region, and finally nailed to a cross for His efforts. The royal treatment indeed!
Popularity is a dangerous thing. It’s dangerous because it sets you up for envy. And hell hath no fury like people who are envious; people who hate you because of who you are and who they are. Popularity places a big bulls-eye right in the middle of your back. But this is not what you should spend time worrying about. Because the greatest damage is not caused by others, but by onesself.
Forget for a moment being hated for no good reason. What about being "loved" for no good reason?
In my practice I have worked with addictions of every kind, and I promise you nothing has the addictive, seductive power of popularity. How much of a hook is popularity for you? What have you compromised in order to be accepted and liked? What are you still willing to compromise? If pushed, everyone would deep down like to be popular. But at what cost?
In the end, we cannot control what people feel or think about us. However, we can control our addiction to what people feel or think about us, remaining focused on who we are and what we are called to do. And this starts by knowing what really matters, and what really doesn't.
Don't spend too much time looking at the crowd. They may love you today, and want to crucify you tomorrow. Keep your eyes on the real prize. That's the lesson of Palm Sunday.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Don't give up
I want to start with one of my favorite statements of faith.
"Anyway"
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.
-Bd. Mother Teresa of Calcutta
Detachment is a virtue that in the 21st century is misunderstood and seriously undervalued. The word itself is problematic, sounding too much like “detached”….checked-out, bored, impersonal, distant. But the virtue of detachment is anything but.
Detachment helps us get at the “why” question. Why do good? Why persevere? Why hope? Why love? And detachment purifies intentions as well, helping us see our own unfinished business: pride, dependency on the approval of others, control, and unrealistic expectations about how life and people SHOULD be.
Easier said then done! From an early age we are taught about the importance of justice, of fairness. And in a JUST world, things would be fair. People would be nice to you when you were nice to them. People would be generous with you when you were generous with them. People would be truthful with you when you were truthful with them. But of course life isn’t fair. People are not always nice, generous, truthful. We know this, and yet the fantasy is so hard to give up. If I just try harder, people will do the right thing. Sometimes. Just enough to keep you hooked into the false belief that your effort at goodness is enough to make everything fair.
It’s not. And that’s o.k. In fact it’s better than o.k., it's necessary. Because as Blessed Teresa of Calcutta reminds us IT ISN’T ABOUT YOU AND THEM in the end. It’s about you and your Creator. It’s about you becoming the person you were meant to be. It’s about you growing up.
Let go, detach….NOT from people, but from illusions about people, NOT from this world, but from illusions about this world, and NOT from the struggle to be good, but from illusions about the magical power of goodness.
Your daily efforts to make the world a better place, however big or small, matter more than you know. Humans being human doesn’t change this truth one iota. Detach from all that needs to be given up, but don’t give up.
"Anyway"
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.
-Bd. Mother Teresa of Calcutta
Detachment is a virtue that in the 21st century is misunderstood and seriously undervalued. The word itself is problematic, sounding too much like “detached”….checked-out, bored, impersonal, distant. But the virtue of detachment is anything but.
Detachment helps us get at the “why” question. Why do good? Why persevere? Why hope? Why love? And detachment purifies intentions as well, helping us see our own unfinished business: pride, dependency on the approval of others, control, and unrealistic expectations about how life and people SHOULD be.
Easier said then done! From an early age we are taught about the importance of justice, of fairness. And in a JUST world, things would be fair. People would be nice to you when you were nice to them. People would be generous with you when you were generous with them. People would be truthful with you when you were truthful with them. But of course life isn’t fair. People are not always nice, generous, truthful. We know this, and yet the fantasy is so hard to give up. If I just try harder, people will do the right thing. Sometimes. Just enough to keep you hooked into the false belief that your effort at goodness is enough to make everything fair.
It’s not. And that’s o.k. In fact it’s better than o.k., it's necessary. Because as Blessed Teresa of Calcutta reminds us IT ISN’T ABOUT YOU AND THEM in the end. It’s about you and your Creator. It’s about you becoming the person you were meant to be. It’s about you growing up.
Let go, detach….NOT from people, but from illusions about people, NOT from this world, but from illusions about this world, and NOT from the struggle to be good, but from illusions about the magical power of goodness.
Your daily efforts to make the world a better place, however big or small, matter more than you know. Humans being human doesn’t change this truth one iota. Detach from all that needs to be given up, but don’t give up.
Friday, April 1, 2011
The Need for Heroes
"As you get older it is harder to have heroes, but it is sort of necessary."
-Ernest Hemingway
Yes, it is harder to have heroes as we grow older. We hear, read, and see things we are (thankfully) sheltered from in childhood. And we are hurt. And then we get a little bit harder.
Of course no one is perfect. No one comes through every time, for everyone, in all situations (for the purpose of this discussion, Jesus does not count). But this is how we define "hero" when we are children...sort of a mix between Superman and God.
We discover one day that heroes are human. And in this inevitable loss of innocence, we tend to turn toward doubt. And here lies the problem. In our anger, our disappointment, our disillusionment, we accept the notion that one cannot have heroes. It's protective, usually, and not even a fully conscious choice...but we don't want to feel let down again, betrayed. And many of us never turn back.
Yet we must have heroes, and not just as children. It is, as Hemingway wrote, necessary. Necessary? Like water and oxygen are necessary to sustain life? No. But necessary in order to sustain emotional and spiritual growth. We will always need examples, inspirations, models, for how to live. We need to see the Good (even if it is not presented in its wholeness) if we are to combat the crushing, dehumanizing, killing effect of doubt.
If we are to develop as human beings, we cannot let doubt reign in our hearts. It feeds selfishness, and fear, and cynicism. It's the psychological equivalent of a black hole.
Most heroes will have a particular gift or two that they live out with great brilliance; the virtue of courage, or generosity, or creativity, or perseverance. And their light will inspire others to be more, and do more. And the world becomes a little brighter. These men and women will not be perfect, but that's not what heroes are.
I believe that we can be well-grounded in reality and still celebrate the ideal when we see it. Hero-worship must pass with the naivete of childhood, but emulation of those who live out particular virtues in heroic ways cannot, must not.
The world needs more hope, and less despair, more faith and less fear. Find what you admire, what you want to become, what is truly beautiful and good. And then see that these qualities reside in a human being.
Celebrate the heroic, re-consider having a hero or two, and maybe in this process become one yourself!
.
-Ernest Hemingway
Yes, it is harder to have heroes as we grow older. We hear, read, and see things we are (thankfully) sheltered from in childhood. And we are hurt. And then we get a little bit harder.
Of course no one is perfect. No one comes through every time, for everyone, in all situations (for the purpose of this discussion, Jesus does not count). But this is how we define "hero" when we are children...sort of a mix between Superman and God.
We discover one day that heroes are human. And in this inevitable loss of innocence, we tend to turn toward doubt. And here lies the problem. In our anger, our disappointment, our disillusionment, we accept the notion that one cannot have heroes. It's protective, usually, and not even a fully conscious choice...but we don't want to feel let down again, betrayed. And many of us never turn back.
Yet we must have heroes, and not just as children. It is, as Hemingway wrote, necessary. Necessary? Like water and oxygen are necessary to sustain life? No. But necessary in order to sustain emotional and spiritual growth. We will always need examples, inspirations, models, for how to live. We need to see the Good (even if it is not presented in its wholeness) if we are to combat the crushing, dehumanizing, killing effect of doubt.
If we are to develop as human beings, we cannot let doubt reign in our hearts. It feeds selfishness, and fear, and cynicism. It's the psychological equivalent of a black hole.
Most heroes will have a particular gift or two that they live out with great brilliance; the virtue of courage, or generosity, or creativity, or perseverance. And their light will inspire others to be more, and do more. And the world becomes a little brighter. These men and women will not be perfect, but that's not what heroes are.
I believe that we can be well-grounded in reality and still celebrate the ideal when we see it. Hero-worship must pass with the naivete of childhood, but emulation of those who live out particular virtues in heroic ways cannot, must not.
The world needs more hope, and less despair, more faith and less fear. Find what you admire, what you want to become, what is truly beautiful and good. And then see that these qualities reside in a human being.
Celebrate the heroic, re-consider having a hero or two, and maybe in this process become one yourself!
.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Anger Management
“It is wise to direct your anger towards problems -- not people; to focus your energies on answers -- not excuses.”
-William Arthur Ward
Can you name one person in your life who is a healthy model for anger? I'm sure you can picture plenty of people…probably too many people… who rage or repress, get passive-aggressive or isolate with their anger. And after the fact make excuses for their bad behavior.
But do you have a healthy model for how to do anger well?
Anger is an emotion denied by many and feared by most because of its potential to harm. “Anger hurts people.” "I don't trust myself when I'm angry." “Anger is a sin.”
Yes, anger can be used to hurt people. Yes, if I don’t know how to work with my anger I probably should be unsure of myself with it. And yes, anger can lead to evil.
But anger can also lead to healing, self-control, and goodness. And most of all it can lead to intimacy. And it's the issue of intimacy I want to focus on here.
Much time in counseling and spiritual direction is spent helping one process through anger; identify the grievance, feel the wound, and develop a plan to confront the other. And this can all be fruitful. But if the process never goes beyond this, a critical step is missing.
In your anger with another, how are you angry with yourself? In your anger with another, how have you hurt yourself? In your anger with another, how have you compromised your goodness, your truth, and your dignity? Ask care-fully and thoughtfully.
Use your anger to explore how you need to be more gentle, more peaceful, more joyful, and more mindful of all that truly matters.
When you return to your “side of the street”, focus on yourself and your own unfinished business, the deeper process of responsibility-taking can really begin. Then the unpleasant experience of anger (giving and/or receiving) becomes an opportunity to learn and grow, and your more authentic understanding of self will certainly be a blessing for those around you.
In the end, the battle is not about the other, it’s about you.
-William Arthur Ward
Can you name one person in your life who is a healthy model for anger? I'm sure you can picture plenty of people…probably too many people… who rage or repress, get passive-aggressive or isolate with their anger. And after the fact make excuses for their bad behavior.
But do you have a healthy model for how to do anger well?
Anger is an emotion denied by many and feared by most because of its potential to harm. “Anger hurts people.” "I don't trust myself when I'm angry." “Anger is a sin.”
Yes, anger can be used to hurt people. Yes, if I don’t know how to work with my anger I probably should be unsure of myself with it. And yes, anger can lead to evil.
But anger can also lead to healing, self-control, and goodness. And most of all it can lead to intimacy. And it's the issue of intimacy I want to focus on here.
Much time in counseling and spiritual direction is spent helping one process through anger; identify the grievance, feel the wound, and develop a plan to confront the other. And this can all be fruitful. But if the process never goes beyond this, a critical step is missing.
In your anger with another, how are you angry with yourself? In your anger with another, how have you hurt yourself? In your anger with another, how have you compromised your goodness, your truth, and your dignity? Ask care-fully and thoughtfully.
Use your anger to explore how you need to be more gentle, more peaceful, more joyful, and more mindful of all that truly matters.
When you return to your “side of the street”, focus on yourself and your own unfinished business, the deeper process of responsibility-taking can really begin. Then the unpleasant experience of anger (giving and/or receiving) becomes an opportunity to learn and grow, and your more authentic understanding of self will certainly be a blessing for those around you.
In the end, the battle is not about the other, it’s about you.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
What IS your duty?
"Let's have faith that right makes might; and in that faith let us, to the end, dare to do our duty as we understand it."
-Abraham Lincoln
Do you believe this is true? That right makes might? That living a life dedicated to doing the right thing can actually make a difference in this tired, weary world? If you do, then knowing WHAT your duty is becomes that much more crucial.
Duty. What does that word mean anymore? It is not commonly used nowadays, save for commercials about the military. And most assuredly the brave men and women who serve in our military do their duty in particular and sacrificial ways. But of course the great Mr. Lincoln's challenge to "dare to do our duty" extends beyond military service.
What do you understand to be YOUR duty? As a husband or wife, as a mother or father, as a friend or co-worker, as a neighbor? How do you begin to understand this key to TRUE power?
I believe your duty, my duty, humankind's duty, is to "dare to do good."
Start with the acknowledgement that you can make a difference. YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE. If you truly, deeply, passionately believe this, then the daring will naturally follow...the daring to take the extra step, to care just a bit more, and to put love into action in a thousand little ways. You don't need to find a cure for cancer, or win the Nobel peace prize, or be the greatest president in our nation's history. You simply need to believe that right makes might...and then do the right thing, more often then not.
You know what the good is, what the right thing is. It's what you learned in kindergarten, and what your heart tells you is true when you are still. Be kind, be honest, share what you have, and play well with others.
And remember that truly good people don't get that way by doing one thing 100% better. They become truly good by doing one hundred things 1% better. Because goodness is contagious.
Right makes might; live like this is true, and watch it become so.
-Abraham Lincoln
Do you believe this is true? That right makes might? That living a life dedicated to doing the right thing can actually make a difference in this tired, weary world? If you do, then knowing WHAT your duty is becomes that much more crucial.
Duty. What does that word mean anymore? It is not commonly used nowadays, save for commercials about the military. And most assuredly the brave men and women who serve in our military do their duty in particular and sacrificial ways. But of course the great Mr. Lincoln's challenge to "dare to do our duty" extends beyond military service.
What do you understand to be YOUR duty? As a husband or wife, as a mother or father, as a friend or co-worker, as a neighbor? How do you begin to understand this key to TRUE power?
I believe your duty, my duty, humankind's duty, is to "dare to do good."
Start with the acknowledgement that you can make a difference. YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE. If you truly, deeply, passionately believe this, then the daring will naturally follow...the daring to take the extra step, to care just a bit more, and to put love into action in a thousand little ways. You don't need to find a cure for cancer, or win the Nobel peace prize, or be the greatest president in our nation's history. You simply need to believe that right makes might...and then do the right thing, more often then not.
You know what the good is, what the right thing is. It's what you learned in kindergarten, and what your heart tells you is true when you are still. Be kind, be honest, share what you have, and play well with others.
And remember that truly good people don't get that way by doing one thing 100% better. They become truly good by doing one hundred things 1% better. Because goodness is contagious.
Right makes might; live like this is true, and watch it become so.
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