“It is wise to direct your anger towards problems -- not people; to focus your energies on answers -- not excuses.”
-William Arthur Ward
Can you name one person in your life who is a healthy model for anger? I'm sure you can picture plenty of people…probably too many people… who rage or repress, get passive-aggressive or isolate with their anger. And after the fact make excuses for their bad behavior.
But do you have a healthy model for how to do anger well?
Anger is an emotion denied by many and feared by most because of its potential to harm. “Anger hurts people.” "I don't trust myself when I'm angry." “Anger is a sin.”
Yes, anger can be used to hurt people. Yes, if I don’t know how to work with my anger I probably should be unsure of myself with it. And yes, anger can lead to evil.
But anger can also lead to healing, self-control, and goodness. And most of all it can lead to intimacy. And it's the issue of intimacy I want to focus on here.
Much time in counseling and spiritual direction is spent helping one process through anger; identify the grievance, feel the wound, and develop a plan to confront the other. And this can all be fruitful. But if the process never goes beyond this, a critical step is missing.
In your anger with another, how are you angry with yourself? In your anger with another, how have you hurt yourself? In your anger with another, how have you compromised your goodness, your truth, and your dignity? Ask care-fully and thoughtfully.
Use your anger to explore how you need to be more gentle, more peaceful, more joyful, and more mindful of all that truly matters.
When you return to your “side of the street”, focus on yourself and your own unfinished business, the deeper process of responsibility-taking can really begin. Then the unpleasant experience of anger (giving and/or receiving) becomes an opportunity to learn and grow, and your more authentic understanding of self will certainly be a blessing for those around you.
In the end, the battle is not about the other, it’s about you.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Changing Lives, Strengthening Families, Shaping Culture
Stillpoint Family Resources's Fan Box
Stillpoint Family Resources on Facebook
About Me
- Ross Porter
- Dr. Ross Porter received his B.A. from the University of California, Santa Barbara, and his Master of Divinity (Theology) and Ph.D. (Clinical Psychology) degrees from Fuller Theological Seminary, where he first became interested in the integration of psychology and spirituality. He is a teacher, author, counselor, and consultant, specializing in integrative psychology, virtue ethics and family systems. He has taught at the high school, college, and graduate school levels. Ross is also the Founder and Executive Director of Stillpoint Family Resources, a non-profit organization that offers counseling services to individuals, couples, and families in crisis, with nine different office locations throughout Ventura, Los Angeles and Orange Counties (specific office locations can be found at www.stillpointfamilyresources.org). In 2009, Dr. Porter was named an “Outstanding Angeleno” by the Los Angeles Daily News. Ross and his wife Jennifer have been married for 21 years, and have four beautiful children. John Michael, their son who has Down Syndrome is their first born.
Posts
