Real success

“We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.”
-Winston Churchill

Benedict Joseph Labre lived in pre-revolution France. He struggled with mental illness virtually his entire life, failed each of the eleven times he tried to enter religious life, lost touch with his family, lived as a homeless person for his adult years, had no profession, subsisted on what he could collect as a beggar, and died of malnutrition at 35 years-old.

Success? Only if you consider sainthood a worthwhile accomplishment.

What is success to you? What does it look like? Honestly. Comfort, professional excellence, the respect of peers, some money, and a solid core of good friends? Yes, a good list. And I wouldn’t argue with any of these markers.

Yet St. Benedict Joseph Labre had none of these things. His life reads like a tragic story of failure that makes you want to cry. If he was living today, he’d be the dirty, anonymous, slightly scary-looking man at the bottom of the freeway offramp you try not to make eye contact with as you idle at the red light. Or the shivering corpse in the shadows, bundled up in rags and blankets, you hurry past as you make your way to your car on a cold night.

His life was not exactly the stuff of comic book heroes, or feel-good movies, or popular television.

But that’s not ultimately what success is. We can easily lose sight of this in a culture that is so externally oriented, so hell-bent on looking good and feeling superior.

“We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.”

Benedict shared with everyone he met on the pilgrimage routes of Europe; a kind word to the weary, a message of hope to the forlorn, even the food and clothes he’d been given to those who seemed hungrier and colder than he. And when he was attacked and beaten, which happened often, he gave forgiveness.

Success is not about what we collect, what we can count, and what we control. Success is about what we give. It is about the virtue of generosity. And that’s what makes Benedict significant. Why he’s remembered and revered more than those of his time who had so much. This man gave everything he could, materially and spiritually.

Generosity comes from the Latin root that means “to give birth.” And people who practice generosity...giving their time, their talent, and their treasure…”give birth.”

And what is born of generosity? Your legacy…your gift to future generations; that which will live on after you; what you will be remembered best for; what will frame your eternity. If you want to be relevant, if you want your life to matter, give.

Because it’s only generosity that will move you from merely "successful" to truly significant.

Mothering Day

"The mother's heart is the child's school-room."
-Henry Ward Beecher

Mother's Day is a holy day indeed, a blessed day, a precious day. It is a day we should all celebrate if for no other reason...and there is not a more fundamental reason...than that our mothers chose life. We can and should be forever grateful for this. There is no greater gift.

But on Mother's Day I believe we should also celebrate ALL women who mother, for motherhood is certainly more than a physical act. We miss the true essence of motherhood if we reduce this sacred role to something wholly explained by obstetrics.

Those who mother bear hope.

Those who mother invest in the future.

Those who mother protect innocence.

Those who mother guide the vulnerable.

Those who mother teach about all that is essential.

Those who mother sacrifice for the Good.

Those who mother love and let go...and still love.

Happy Mother's Day, Happy Mothering Day, to all women who carry life, birth life, and nurture life in every way. "Thank you" is a good starting point, but not nearly enough!

Getting to Santa Barbara

“Know thyself.”
-Socrates

Santa Barbara is my favorite city in the whole world. It has nearly perfect weather, beautiful beaches, culture and history, great dining, a spirit of play, and a wonderfully diverse mix of people. I don’t live there full-time yet, but that’s the goal; the ideal. I get up there as often as possible, and when I leave I miss it all the more.

But how deep would my love for Santa Barbara be if I’d never been anywhere else. If my whole life I’d never seen another city, experienced another city, lived in another city? Sounds great at first, but there’s no way I’d have the same level of appreciation and clarity about the Mission, State Street, the Paseo Nuevo, the Museum of Art, Stearns Wharf, the El Encanto, and the countless other treasures my ideal city holds?

Thankfully I have visited and lived in other places, places that were not as good a fit for me, as wonderful, beautiful, or natural. Being able to contrast these places with my ideal place brings greater knowledge and understanding about what works for me, and where I want to end up. And my longing grows. This is a grace.

Your favorite city can serve as a metapahor for your true self. Both are beautiful places you want to live in more and more. The true self is you at your very best, the person you are meant to be: most free, alive, relational, authentic, joyful, and creative. Like your ideal city, your true self is what you ultimately want to make your “home.”

"Know thyself."

You become a true self by knowing yourself, and then doing something meaningful with the information you gather.

You must become a student of your own life, studying, exploring, and understanding the good, the bad, and the ugly; what has worked for you, and what has not worked for you. Looking at the “good” is helpful; the beautiful, interesting, exciting, gratifying experiences.

But it’s the “bad” and the "ugly” that will give you the most useful information.

It takes great courage and humility to do this, to study and learn from your pain. No one likes to reflect on mistakes and failures, rejection and abandonment, the times people hurt you and the times you hurt yourself. But knowing where you want to go, where you’re meant to go, is intimately connected to knowing where you’ve been.

You must go back before you can finally go forward.

John Paul, Osama, and the virtue of religion

“I never knew how to worship until I knew how to love.”
-Henry Ward Beecher

What a day of contrasts; John Paul the Great beatified in the morning and Osama bin Laden the Not-Great dying in a hail of gunfire in the evening…both receiving their just rewards on the same day. What bookends.

Both men claimed to be religious, claimed to worship God, claimed to want transformation. No question that both men changed the world with their passion and convictions…all in the Name of God.

And a single news day will probably never give the world such a stark lesson in the virtue of religion.

I want to be clear; I am not writing here about one religion being better than another, about a superior worldview or doctrine. I am writing here about virtue…the practice of good habits, and the fruit that is produced by a life well-lived. Religion, if done well, can be a virtue.

And how do we know if religion is done well? A label? A set of rules? A growing number of members? It’s a lot more basic than this. It’s about love.

Love is what ultimately defines religion when it is practiced well, or not. And love was the fundamental difference between John Paul II and Osama bin Laden. One loved and one didn’t. One was humbled by love, and one wasn’t. One was moved by love to seek reconciliation with his neighbors and one wasn’t. One was compelled by love to seek social justice and honor the dignity of human life, and one wasn’t.

Religion can be a virtue, but like anything powerful it can also be a vice, used to hide from truth, oppress and terrorize others, and destroy goodness. There are valid reasons why so many nowadays are skeptical of "religion" and might scoff at the idea that it can make one better. There has been far too little love.

Our world is too complicated, too fragile, too dangerous to simply go by labels, and to dismiss or accept the notion of religion as a virtue based on a superficial read. Too much is at stake, and this world of ours needs all the help it can get.

So look at actions. Actions have always spoken louder than words. And no action speaks louder than love.

People from all religions celebrated the life of John Paul II yesterday because he loved. People from all religions celebrated the death of Osama bin Laden last night because he didn’t.

Love is the most radical concept ever created. It is the greatest, most transformative force the world has ever seen. And religion, when practiced as a virtue, produces love. It can make individuals better, marriages better, families better; challenging us to reach and stretch beyond ourselves and our privatized beliefs. And it can make the world better.

Just remember that when you think about religion, and whether it is a virtue, to look at the lives, and not simply the labels. And perhaps the two bookends of
May 1, 2011.

If you're going through hell...

“If you're going through hell, keep going.”
-Winston Churchill

Recently, I found myself lost while driving in a part of town I was not familiar with. I’d like to blame Mapquest for faulty information, but the truth is that I left the directions at home. I’m usually pretty good at navigating, and had a general sense of where I needed to go, so I decided to journey forth anyway. But as I neared my destination, I took the wrong off-ramp, and then several wrong turns. After several minutes of wandering into one dead-end after another, I had to admit that I was officially lost.

The bigger issue, however, was that I'd also somehow managed to find my way into the most unsafe neighborhood I’d ever been in, complete with broken street lights, drug deals, and gangbangers congregating on street corners. I was confused about my surroundings, but clear that to stop moving, to park and sit, to curse my lot and quit trying to find my way out would be unhealthy in more ways than one. I was not in hell, but it was close enough.

“If you find yourself in hell, keep going.”

I gathered myself and began again to look for street signs and landmarks that would point me in the right direction and re-orient me. Carefully, I exited this dark labyrinth and eventually entered a safer neighborhood where I could pull over and ask for help.

Life will sometimes feel like one dead-end after another, in a dangerous neighborhood, without a way out. Regardless of who you are, you will on occasion find yourself in hell. You can set out with a fair amount of confidence that where you’re intending to go is where you’re going to end up. You may even have your directions right there with you. But unexpected twists and turns will leave you confused and unsettled; lost. And the pain that accompanies the experience of being “lost” can feel like hell; overwhelming, terrifying, hopeless.

Perhaps it is an addiction, or a heartbreaking marriage, or an out-of-control child. Maybe you’ve lost your job, or your health? “Will the disappointment ever end?” “Will I ever get a break?” “Will these hard times pass?”

Yes…but only if you keep going.

See the “signs”, the “landmarks”, and the “maps” of your life. What has worked for you in the past and what hasn’t? What gives you peace and what doesn’t? What affirms life, and what doesn’t.

And KEEP GOING: toward people who are trustworthy, wise, and generous; toward sources of wisdom that communicate eternal truth to you; toward a future that allows you to live your giftedness with joy.

And hell will soon enough be in your rear view mirror.

Just the facts?

It’s Springtime, so allow me to recall my greatest personal baseball achievement. I hit an RBI single off a major league pitcher, in an all-star game, before a packed, standing-room only stadium. I’m serious. It was a letter-high fast ball. The pitcher was Bret Saberhagen, two-time Cy Young award winner and MVP of the 1985 World Series. He was to end up with 167 wins in his career, and pitch in three Major League all-star games.

Everything about this story is true. And it’s not enough. Because facts need to be placed in the larger context of life, of the larger story, in order for understanding to happen…

Bret and I were 12 years-old. The all-star game was Tarzana vs. Reseda. The packed stadium was the Encino-Tarzana Little League field. Oh, and he also struck me out two times that day. Bret would go on to achieve baseball greatness, and I would not.

People can present facts and still not tell the whole story. Facts can clarify, but they can also confuse. And if understanding isn’t sought and found, relationships will suffer and even end.

“All I said was ‘The Jones’ are going to Hawaii this summer’.” But what was your intent?

“I have to work these long hours in order to support this family.” But what about your other commitments?

“I’ve told my son a hundred times not to do that.” But have you heard what he’s been trying to tell you?

In times of conflict, the list of facts presented are all too often strategically chosen, carefully airbrushed, and part of a self-centered agenda; like an attorney trying to win a case in court. Understanding is lost in the battle to be “right.” And “right” can leave one feeling very alone.

What do you want out of relationships? Do you want to find love and happiness? Do you want to grow, and help others grow as well? Do you want to find real peace? Then you’d do well to seek more than just facts. Seek to understand and to be understood.

“What‘s your take on this?” “Tell me what your thoughts are.” “Help me understand where you’re coming from.” “What am I not hearing?”

What’s the story…the whole story?

Bulls-eye!

“Being popular is a dangerous thing.”
-Anonymous

Honestly, I’ve always found it curious and more than a little disturbing that Christians celebrate so hardily Jesus’ “triumphal” entry into Jerusalem. As if we didn’t know how hollow, how fleeting, how painfully ironic this reception was.

We wave our palm fronds in the air as the service begins, and then continue fiddling with them as the Gospel message is read. Like we don't know what's coming. Or maybe it’s that we do know what’s coming, and it’s too uncomfortable to sit with.

Five days after being hailed as a King, the Rebel with a Cause would be betrayed and abandoned by his own, scorned, beaten, and prosecuted by the religious and political leaders of his region, and finally nailed to a cross for His efforts. The royal treatment indeed!

Popularity is a dangerous thing. It’s dangerous because it sets you up for envy. And hell hath no fury like people who are envious; people who hate you because of who you are and who they are. Popularity places a big bulls-eye right in the middle of your back. But this is not what you should spend time worrying about. Because the greatest damage is not caused by others, but by onesself.

Forget for a moment being hated for no good reason. What about being "loved" for no good reason?

In my practice I have worked with addictions of every kind, and I promise you nothing has the addictive, seductive power of popularity. How much of a hook is popularity for you? What have you compromised in order to be accepted and liked? What are you still willing to compromise? If pushed, everyone would deep down like to be popular. But at what cost?

In the end, we cannot control what people feel or think about us. However, we can control our addiction to what people feel or think about us, remaining focused on who we are and what we are called to do. And this starts by knowing what really matters, and what really doesn't.

Don't spend too much time looking at the crowd. They may love you today, and want to crucify you tomorrow. Keep your eyes on the real prize. That's the lesson of Palm Sunday.