Words matter, especially when it comes to loving: there is no getting around this fact. Love is just too powerful and too important to leave mute. In the midst of one memorable marriage therapy session, I had a husband actually say to me, in front of his wife: “I said I loved her on our wedding day, and if that ever changes, I’ll let her know.” Now, before you judge this man to be a complete jerk, let me say that he is actually a good man…verbally challenged, but a good man. He did many things that communicated love to his spouse and his kids, but these acts of charity were often lost in the busyness of everyday life. Working 50 hours a week in order to provide financial stability for her, responsibly putting away money for their retirement years, and remaining faithful to his wedding vows in mind and body were all ways he believed he was communicating love. And this was true. However, relationships are strengthened when words accompany deeds.
Words clarify intentions, and don’t leave too much open to interpretation (or mis-interpretation). When you give people gifts at Christmas time, you attach a card, right? You let them know who gave them the present by signing your name. Why? Probably because you want them to know you were thinking of them, caring about them, confirming that they matter to you. You don’t typically leave a package outside the doors to their rooms or their houses and silently slip away. The gift is nice, but what matters more (and lasts longer) is that the people receiving the gifts feel loved. Don’t leave them guessing. Say the words that affirm, “I love you,” and make sure your gift is received in the spirit it was given.
Consider your family members, starting with your spouse. How does your husband or wife know you’ve loved him or her today? “I fixed dinner, “I came straight home from work instead of going out with my co-workers,” “I washed the car,” “I did the grocery shopping”: attach an “I love you” to these deeds, and clarify what they meant to you, and what your partner means to you!
“My kids know I love them.” Really, how? Because you are planning for their futures, or paying for their piano lessons, or praying for them at night after they’ve gone to bed? These can all be statements of love, true, but your kids can’t read your mind. They don’t always see the world the way you do. Their feelings are not your feelings. Don’t assume; “sign the card”.
I wish each of you a blessed Season of Miracles, and encourage you to make sure you “attach the card to the gift”…all year long!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
For Miriam
The Holiday Season is now officially upon us, and in the next several weeks we will have built-in opportunities to practice the virtue of generosity. Quick, what comes to mind? If gift-giving was your first thought, you are not alone. And there is certainly nothing wrong with exchanging presents. But an exclusively material understanding of this virtue is to miss the essence of generosity. In fact, some of the most giving and charitable people I know have very little in the way of things. Generosity is first and last a gift of the heart.
In my clinical practice, I have had the opportunity to work with many special people who were outstanding in one way or another. But one stands out as truly memorable when I think about the virtue of generosity...I'll call her Miriam. I met her soon after she was diagnosed with cancer. Miriam told me that the doctors gave her less than a year to live, and she didn’t want that to get in the way of her life. In the weeks that followed, Miriam and I talked a lot about spirituality, and how to bring meaning out of her terminal condition. She decided that the focus for the remainder of her time on earth needed to be service to others. Although she had always been involved in one charity or another, it had been on the side. Now, she wanted her volunteerism to be front and center. A local soup kitchen in need of helpers welcomed her with open arms, and in no time her grace and selflessness began to impact everyone around her. The homeless people would find out when she was going to be working so they could come by to visit with her, and the staff began calling her “mom”.
She gave tirelessly, whether ladling soup, washing dishes, encouraging diners, or counseling other volunteers about relationships. As time passed, Miriam began to grow weaker, but she insisted that she wanted to continue. So the organization arranged for her to be picked up at her apartment, and placed several recliner chairs around the facility so that she had a place to rest wherever she was in the building. I was told by several of her co-workers that Miriam never stopped smiling, never stopped asking others about their lives, and never stopped talking about how fortunate she had been in her life.
What the staff didn’t know was that Miriam was the survivor of a violent childhood and a horribly abusive marriage, and had fewer material possessions than most of the homeless people she fed and cared for. Her generosity elevated Miriam to a level of goodness, of greatness, most could never have dreamed of before meeting her.
And I have no doubt that when she did at last walk through the gates of Heaven on that bright December afternoon, nearly ten years ago now, the angels bowed in admiration.
I wish all of you a blessed Holiday Season, a season full of generosity that begins and ends in the heart.
In my clinical practice, I have had the opportunity to work with many special people who were outstanding in one way or another. But one stands out as truly memorable when I think about the virtue of generosity...I'll call her Miriam. I met her soon after she was diagnosed with cancer. Miriam told me that the doctors gave her less than a year to live, and she didn’t want that to get in the way of her life. In the weeks that followed, Miriam and I talked a lot about spirituality, and how to bring meaning out of her terminal condition. She decided that the focus for the remainder of her time on earth needed to be service to others. Although she had always been involved in one charity or another, it had been on the side. Now, she wanted her volunteerism to be front and center. A local soup kitchen in need of helpers welcomed her with open arms, and in no time her grace and selflessness began to impact everyone around her. The homeless people would find out when she was going to be working so they could come by to visit with her, and the staff began calling her “mom”.
She gave tirelessly, whether ladling soup, washing dishes, encouraging diners, or counseling other volunteers about relationships. As time passed, Miriam began to grow weaker, but she insisted that she wanted to continue. So the organization arranged for her to be picked up at her apartment, and placed several recliner chairs around the facility so that she had a place to rest wherever she was in the building. I was told by several of her co-workers that Miriam never stopped smiling, never stopped asking others about their lives, and never stopped talking about how fortunate she had been in her life.
What the staff didn’t know was that Miriam was the survivor of a violent childhood and a horribly abusive marriage, and had fewer material possessions than most of the homeless people she fed and cared for. Her generosity elevated Miriam to a level of goodness, of greatness, most could never have dreamed of before meeting her.
And I have no doubt that when she did at last walk through the gates of Heaven on that bright December afternoon, nearly ten years ago now, the angels bowed in admiration.
I wish all of you a blessed Holiday Season, a season full of generosity that begins and ends in the heart.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Sharing the Rough Draft
In marriage, we are constantly having internal dialogues about our spouses and our marriage. “I think my wife is mad at me because I didn’t ask her about her day?” “I feel my husband is bored with me because I see him yawn all the time.” “I wonder if our marriage is as strong as the Jones’?” Our thoughts and our feelings give us an initial “read” on a given situation, something like a rough draft, but these assumptions are often untested. Is this absolute fact, or is it just something I think or feel to be true?
Too often this “rough draft” bounces around in our heads and hearts, but doesn’t get voiced until we’re often pretty far down the road toward a conclusion. Maybe we don’t share because we’re too busy, maybe it’s because we’re afraid of what’s really going on, and maybe we keep our internal dialogues to ourselves because we’re insecure about possibly needing anything. Whatever the reason, it’s dangerous. We’re practicing emotionally isolating behavior that slowly kills intimacy. Fears creep in, and we become increasingly likely to behave toward our spouses as if our assumptions are actual realities. And guess what, our spouses are going to be pretty confused!
Even if the assumptions we carry about our marriages or our beloveds are positive ones, we still need to be bringing our spouses into the “conversation” because anything good should be shared and celebrated.
So often therapy is about getting clients to relate to one other instead of untested, false assumptions about each other. Over time these false assumptions have been left to harden over the months and even years like concrete. Thus, it takes much work to chisel away the layers of defensiveness and get to the truth. So much pain and loneliness could have been avoided if the rough drafts had been “read” out loud, brought into the light. “I feel like you don’t care about me as much as you do the kids.” “I believe you only want to spend time with me if you think we’re going to have sex.” “You’re disappointed in me because I don’t make more money, right?” “I think you come home late because you prefer to be at work.” Say it!
Your thoughts and feelings are very important. They give you meaningful information about who you are and where you’ve been, but they are not always an accurate read on life going on around you. Your thoughts and feelings are not infallible….even when it comes to your spouse and your marriage. You may believe that because you’ve known your partner for a long time, your intuition is bound to be accurate. Maybe it is, but test it first! Share what’s in your head, share what’s in your heart…early and often. “Let me read my rough draft to you.” “How does it sound so far?” “Am I on track, or is my conclusion faulty?”
But don’t just stop at reading the rough draft of your thoughts and feelings out loud to your spouse; edit, revise, re-write! The final draft is yours, but it should include plenty of feedback from you partner.
Too often this “rough draft” bounces around in our heads and hearts, but doesn’t get voiced until we’re often pretty far down the road toward a conclusion. Maybe we don’t share because we’re too busy, maybe it’s because we’re afraid of what’s really going on, and maybe we keep our internal dialogues to ourselves because we’re insecure about possibly needing anything. Whatever the reason, it’s dangerous. We’re practicing emotionally isolating behavior that slowly kills intimacy. Fears creep in, and we become increasingly likely to behave toward our spouses as if our assumptions are actual realities. And guess what, our spouses are going to be pretty confused!
Even if the assumptions we carry about our marriages or our beloveds are positive ones, we still need to be bringing our spouses into the “conversation” because anything good should be shared and celebrated.
So often therapy is about getting clients to relate to one other instead of untested, false assumptions about each other. Over time these false assumptions have been left to harden over the months and even years like concrete. Thus, it takes much work to chisel away the layers of defensiveness and get to the truth. So much pain and loneliness could have been avoided if the rough drafts had been “read” out loud, brought into the light. “I feel like you don’t care about me as much as you do the kids.” “I believe you only want to spend time with me if you think we’re going to have sex.” “You’re disappointed in me because I don’t make more money, right?” “I think you come home late because you prefer to be at work.” Say it!
Your thoughts and feelings are very important. They give you meaningful information about who you are and where you’ve been, but they are not always an accurate read on life going on around you. Your thoughts and feelings are not infallible….even when it comes to your spouse and your marriage. You may believe that because you’ve known your partner for a long time, your intuition is bound to be accurate. Maybe it is, but test it first! Share what’s in your head, share what’s in your heart…early and often. “Let me read my rough draft to you.” “How does it sound so far?” “Am I on track, or is my conclusion faulty?”
But don’t just stop at reading the rough draft of your thoughts and feelings out loud to your spouse; edit, revise, re-write! The final draft is yours, but it should include plenty of feedback from you partner.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Patriotism
The Virtue of Patriotism
Like millions of others I watched with joy as the miracle rescue of the Chilean miners unfolded last week. For 69 days these men were trapped under 2,000 feet of rock. And they survived. And a nation rejoiced…and the world rejoiced right along with them.
So many stirring images, so much courage, and faith, and love, and will to live. Funny how these fundamental virtues can unite so many. But the virtue that was perhaps missed in all the celebrating was the virtue of Patriotism.
Patriotism is a virtue? Indeed! St. Thomas Aquinas considered it “a duty one owes” to country, recognizing the good provided by, and the universal ideals supported through, a nation…always worth sacrificing for.
What a moment, listening to President Sebastian Pinera tell the miners, “You are not the same, and the country is not the same after this,” and then spontaneously leading the crowd in the singing of the Chilean national anthem. This was Patriotism in its purest form. Everyone, rich and poor, educated and uneducated, respectful of individual differences, and focused on the celebrating of what is best about one’s country, and what is best about humankind. Pride isn’t always a deadly sin!
Patriotism is too often confused with ultra-nationalism, which starts with a condescending “we’re better than you” attitude, and ends up dividing and alienating. Patriotism as a virtue rises above politics, and superficial slogans, and 15 second sound bites, and honors what is best, what is good and true, what is worth living and dying for, and what is worthy of emulation in one’s country.
What is worthy of emulation? Virtue. Heroic efforts at being good, courageous, generous, kind, patient. You’ll know an act is truly patriotic, virtuous, and not just political, when both the person and his or her country is made better by it. And when people and countries do good, the world becomes a better place.
I think I became Chilean for a brief time last week, watching those beautiful people singing their national anthem, celebrating life and all the ways their country supported life. And I’m a better American for it.
Like millions of others I watched with joy as the miracle rescue of the Chilean miners unfolded last week. For 69 days these men were trapped under 2,000 feet of rock. And they survived. And a nation rejoiced…and the world rejoiced right along with them.
So many stirring images, so much courage, and faith, and love, and will to live. Funny how these fundamental virtues can unite so many. But the virtue that was perhaps missed in all the celebrating was the virtue of Patriotism.
Patriotism is a virtue? Indeed! St. Thomas Aquinas considered it “a duty one owes” to country, recognizing the good provided by, and the universal ideals supported through, a nation…always worth sacrificing for.
What a moment, listening to President Sebastian Pinera tell the miners, “You are not the same, and the country is not the same after this,” and then spontaneously leading the crowd in the singing of the Chilean national anthem. This was Patriotism in its purest form. Everyone, rich and poor, educated and uneducated, respectful of individual differences, and focused on the celebrating of what is best about one’s country, and what is best about humankind. Pride isn’t always a deadly sin!
Patriotism is too often confused with ultra-nationalism, which starts with a condescending “we’re better than you” attitude, and ends up dividing and alienating. Patriotism as a virtue rises above politics, and superficial slogans, and 15 second sound bites, and honors what is best, what is good and true, what is worth living and dying for, and what is worthy of emulation in one’s country.
What is worthy of emulation? Virtue. Heroic efforts at being good, courageous, generous, kind, patient. You’ll know an act is truly patriotic, virtuous, and not just political, when both the person and his or her country is made better by it. And when people and countries do good, the world becomes a better place.
I think I became Chilean for a brief time last week, watching those beautiful people singing their national anthem, celebrating life and all the ways their country supported life. And I’m a better American for it.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Who are you listening to?
Lucille Ball was dismissed from a drama class, with the penetrating insight: “She’s wasting her time here. She’s too shy to put her best foot forward.”
A brand new band calling themselves The Beatles was rejected by the first recording company they approached. The reasons given? “We don’t like their sound. And besides, guitar music is on the way out.”
Abraham Lincoln had two failed businesses, suffered a nervous breakdown, experienced the death of his fiancé, and lost eight elections.
Michael Jordan was cut from his Freshman high school basketball team.
Thomas Edison was told by a teacher that he was “too stupid to learn anything.”
Walt Disney was fired from a newspaper job because, as the termination report read, “He lacks imagination and has no original ideas.”
The longer I live, the more I realize that people who succeed in life are people who are courageous enough to risk failure and loss, and are able to pick themselves up and get back in the race when they inevitably do get knocked down; they persevere.
And a critical part of risking failure and persevering in our efforts, of persisting in the face of obstacles and creating something beautiful with the gifts we’ve been given is who we choose to listen to. Which voices do we filter out, and which voices do we let in?
How do we do this discerning? Start with a simple rule of thumb: spend more and more time with life-giving people, and less and less time with life-taking people. Too simple? I’m amazed at how many people don’t follow this advice. There is confusion about responsibility (“I must spend time with this person, respect this person, take care of this person”), or history (“It’s not always bad”), or even what it means to be a good person (“I shouldn’t be angry, sad, tired, happy”). Crazy? No, just fear-based. The people you surround yourself with, and let in, can absolutely make you or break you. Choose life!
You’ll know the life-giving people because they will foster hope, see potential, and celebrate you as you are. They will work diligently to not separate truth and love. They will not project their fears onto you. They will not project their pain onto you. And they will not project their dreams onto you. And life-giving people are interested in mutual, respectful, joyful friendships. Beware of people who have no joy…they will resent yours.
Who do you listen to? Whose opinions do you hear…and take in? Are they encouraging, engaging, and elevating to the spirit? Choose well, listen well, and then follow your inspiration…you’ll change the world!
A brand new band calling themselves The Beatles was rejected by the first recording company they approached. The reasons given? “We don’t like their sound. And besides, guitar music is on the way out.”
Abraham Lincoln had two failed businesses, suffered a nervous breakdown, experienced the death of his fiancé, and lost eight elections.
Michael Jordan was cut from his Freshman high school basketball team.
Thomas Edison was told by a teacher that he was “too stupid to learn anything.”
Walt Disney was fired from a newspaper job because, as the termination report read, “He lacks imagination and has no original ideas.”
The longer I live, the more I realize that people who succeed in life are people who are courageous enough to risk failure and loss, and are able to pick themselves up and get back in the race when they inevitably do get knocked down; they persevere.
And a critical part of risking failure and persevering in our efforts, of persisting in the face of obstacles and creating something beautiful with the gifts we’ve been given is who we choose to listen to. Which voices do we filter out, and which voices do we let in?
How do we do this discerning? Start with a simple rule of thumb: spend more and more time with life-giving people, and less and less time with life-taking people. Too simple? I’m amazed at how many people don’t follow this advice. There is confusion about responsibility (“I must spend time with this person, respect this person, take care of this person”), or history (“It’s not always bad”), or even what it means to be a good person (“I shouldn’t be angry, sad, tired, happy”). Crazy? No, just fear-based. The people you surround yourself with, and let in, can absolutely make you or break you. Choose life!
You’ll know the life-giving people because they will foster hope, see potential, and celebrate you as you are. They will work diligently to not separate truth and love. They will not project their fears onto you. They will not project their pain onto you. And they will not project their dreams onto you. And life-giving people are interested in mutual, respectful, joyful friendships. Beware of people who have no joy…they will resent yours.
Who do you listen to? Whose opinions do you hear…and take in? Are they encouraging, engaging, and elevating to the spirit? Choose well, listen well, and then follow your inspiration…you’ll change the world!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Peacemakers are not blessed because they are other-worldly, avoid confrontations, spend all day in church praying, and never get angrythey are blessed because they are finally at rest in God. St. Augustine put it simply: “God, You have created us for Yourself, and our hearts are restless until they rest in You.” The meek are able to be peacemakers because they are first at peace with God; peace with self and others follows. This peace is the fruit of cooperating on ever deeper levels with God’s will and remaining open to His healing grace. Peacemakers echo the words of St. Paul: “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:12-13). Paul did not write these words from some ivory tower, safe and comfortable as a professor at some small liberal arts college. He wrote about the contentment of being at peace with God from a dark, dank prison cell in Rome while awaiting execution. In his life, he suffered much for the Kingdom of God: stonings, beatings, shipwrecks, physical ailments, murderous plots, and eventually martyrdom. But this is the power of meekness, withstanding all the world can dish out while allowing God’s supernatural healing to be unleashed in and through your life. It truly does surpass human understanding, and it can be yours as it was Paul’s, but only with Christ’s help. The story of Corrie Ten Boom, told in The Hiding Place, demonstrates this well.
As a young woman in Holland, she and her family used their home to hide Jews from the Nazi occupiers. When finally discovered, the Ten Booms were sent to Concentration camps, Corrie and her sister Betsie specifically to Ravensbruck. Corrie would survive the hell but her sister would not. Years later, as an internationally-renowned speaker, Corrie traveled far and wide speaking about the love of God and Christ’s ability to transform even the greatest of sinners. But her ability to be a peacemaker, to practice meekness in the face of anger, was put to the test one Sunday after she spoke at a church in Germany. One of the Nazis who had stood guard at the shower room door in the processing room at Ravensbruck approached her smiling and reaching out his hand toward her. “How grateful I am for your message, Fraulein; to think that as you say He has washed my sins away.” The horror of the camp, the taunting of the men, the pain and fear all came rushing back in an instant. Corrie tried to respond with charity, but anger paralyzed her. Silently she breathed a prayer: “Jesus, I cannot forgive him. Give me Your forgiveness” (p. 238). Ten Boom explained that in an instant she was given the grace to see that healing was not contingent on human ability to forgive or love, but on God’s ability to forgive and love. She took the former Nazi’s hand and gave him her blessing. God will give us what we need, if we cry out to Him for assistance. He tells us to love our enemies, and then gives us the love to do it.
The meek shall inherit the earth and the peacemakers shall be called the children of God because they rest in the Prince of Peace. And they bring His message of reconciliation to an angry and hurting world, whatever the cost.
What can you do today to be a peacemaker: in your home, at your work place, and in your heart? Simple acts of kindness, gentleness, goodness; think small, get started, and ask God to bless and mutiply. You'll be changed, and so will the world.
As a young woman in Holland, she and her family used their home to hide Jews from the Nazi occupiers. When finally discovered, the Ten Booms were sent to Concentration camps, Corrie and her sister Betsie specifically to Ravensbruck. Corrie would survive the hell but her sister would not. Years later, as an internationally-renowned speaker, Corrie traveled far and wide speaking about the love of God and Christ’s ability to transform even the greatest of sinners. But her ability to be a peacemaker, to practice meekness in the face of anger, was put to the test one Sunday after she spoke at a church in Germany. One of the Nazis who had stood guard at the shower room door in the processing room at Ravensbruck approached her smiling and reaching out his hand toward her. “How grateful I am for your message, Fraulein; to think that as you say He has washed my sins away.” The horror of the camp, the taunting of the men, the pain and fear all came rushing back in an instant. Corrie tried to respond with charity, but anger paralyzed her. Silently she breathed a prayer: “Jesus, I cannot forgive him. Give me Your forgiveness” (p. 238). Ten Boom explained that in an instant she was given the grace to see that healing was not contingent on human ability to forgive or love, but on God’s ability to forgive and love. She took the former Nazi’s hand and gave him her blessing. God will give us what we need, if we cry out to Him for assistance. He tells us to love our enemies, and then gives us the love to do it.
The meek shall inherit the earth and the peacemakers shall be called the children of God because they rest in the Prince of Peace. And they bring His message of reconciliation to an angry and hurting world, whatever the cost.
What can you do today to be a peacemaker: in your home, at your work place, and in your heart? Simple acts of kindness, gentleness, goodness; think small, get started, and ask God to bless and mutiply. You'll be changed, and so will the world.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Growing Up: The Virtue of Being Family
The family is the heart of our society, of civilization itself. This has always been the case in every culture and every country throughout history. Nothing has a greater influence over an individual than the family unit...not school, not profession, not even church or synagogue. The family of origin, that is the family we are born into, gives us our blueprint for how to see and interact with self, others, life, and God. Family is our first teacher. This is not to say we need to be controlled by our pasts. Certainly healing and growth can happen at any stage of life, but as long as we live we will be interacting with our original families, if not face-to-face at least in our hearts and minds.
Being a family is so much more than simple genetics, or living together under one roof, or eating a certain amount of meals together, or sharing a common history, or even sharing a last name. Being family does not happen accidentally, it must be chosen...multiple times a day. We choose to be family when we make concrete decisions, big and small, with what we say or don't say, do or don't do, think or don't think, feel or don't feel.
Being a family is so much more than simple genetics, or living together under one roof, or eating a certain amount of meals together, or sharing a common history, or even sharing a last name. Being family does not happen accidentally, it must be chosen...multiple times a day. We choose to be family when we make concrete decisions, big and small, with what we say or don't say, do or don't do, think or don't think, feel or don't feel.
- We choose to be family when we love each other in word and deed
- We choose to be family when we teach our children right and wrong, and hold ourselves to the same objective standard
- We choose to be family when we listen to each other at least as much as we speak to each other
- We choose to be family when we reach outside of ourselves and serve others
- We choose to be family when we celebrate the uniqueness of each individual family member
- We choose to be family when we play together, laugh together, and celebrate Sabbath together
Being family is a process that must become habitual...that's why I'm calling it a virtue. And good habits take time to form. Practice, practice, practice...with little and big acts, growing in consistency, intentional and freely given. It's not always easy, and it's not always fun. A healthy family recognizes this, and chooses to make the investment of time, energy, and spirit anyway.
There is nothing more important on a natural level than truly practicing the virtue of being family, and as we ask God into this process, to bless and guide our efforts, the results become sacramental. Get started (or re-started) tonight. You'll be glad a thousand years from now that you did!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
