“Comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable.”
-Finley Peter Dunne
I disagreed with Christopher Hitchens on virtually every subject. He routinely attacked with great vigor my God, my Church, and my favorite saint. He was unquestionably brilliant, and equally flawed. He was as polemical and pompous as any hell-fire-and-damnation preacher, and as dogmatic about his Enlightenment-inspired gospel as any fundamentalist “true believer.” So it might come as something of a surprise to hear me state that I was strangely moved by the news of his passing, and will miss him. He was one of my favorite contrarians, and he once more served me as a catalyst for deeper reflection…this time about contrariness as a virtue.
Now, to be clear there is a major difference between a virtue and a personality trait. A virtue makes you, and those around you, better. A personality trait does not. Contrariness as a virtue is prophetic, contrariness as a trait is problematic. Did Hitchens practice contrariness as a virtue or simply a trait? I’ll humbly leave that judgment, and the ultimate judgment about his life’s work, to a merciful and loving God (and yes, that’s me being a bit of a contrarian).
Contrarians attack the status quo, the comfortable, the people and systems that appear to be above challenge, and questioning, and accountability. And to that end, they serve a necessary role in a world that desperately needs checks-and-balances. We may often want to dismiss them as lunatics, radicals, and trouble-makers, but we’d best not.
The virtue of contrariness is rooted in a love for justice and truth, and will courageously attack sacred cows for the sake of the sacred. As a virtue, contrariness protects the vulnerable against abuses of power, and reminds the world that easier doesn’t necessarily mean better, and rightness is not decided by a majority opinion.
Contrarians are disturbers of the peace, but is it a peace that’s well-deserved? Contrarians are outsiders, but truth-tellers often are. Contrarians are atheists (or as Hitchens preferred “anti-theists”), but they can also be deeply religious (see: Christ, Jesus). Contrarians are hard to categorize, but in an extraordinarily complex world isn’t that appropriate?
Most of us don’t like conflict, we don’t like rocking the boat, and we definitely don’t like to be disliked. But the struggle for a better world has never been neat and tidy. And we will never become who we’re meant to be (responsible, decent, loving human beings) if we’re not willing to get outside our comfort zones, ask hard questions, wrestle with the status-quo, confront rigidity…and maybe even on occasion challenge others to do the same.
Question for reflection: How do you challenge hypocrisy, double standards, and injustices in the world and in your home?
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
Golden: The virtue of fidelity
“Nothing is more noble, nothing more venerable than fidelity. Faithfulness and truth are the most sacred excellences and endowments of the human mind.”
-Marcus Tullius Cicero
Fidelity is defined as “faithfulness to a person, cause, or belief,” and is stated formally in and through vows. It can be lived out in any calling (personal or professional), but for now I want to focus on what fidelity means in marriage.
This summer my mother and father celebrated their golden wedding anniversary. Fifty years, a half century, “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health…” They’ve honored and kept their vows to each other. This is a remarkable accomplishment, and I do mean accomplishment. My mother was barely twenty when she said “I do” to my father, and he was all of twenty-two when he promised himself to her in return. They were kids, for goodness sake!
There’s no way my parents could have known exactly what those wedding vows would entail, what would be asked of each; the twists and turns of life, children and grandchildren, changes and transitions, triumphs and losses, joys and sorrows. Yet, they have lived the virtue of fidelity.
“I promise…to love, honor, and respect you…to be faithful to you.” Wedding vows are oriented toward the other, and this is understandable. But I believe it also confuses fidelity. Because essentially, fidelity is not about your partner…it’s about you.
Fidelity is not a 50-50 proposition, and it’s not even a 100-100 proposition. Fidelity isn’t conditioned on the other person's behavior at all. “I solemnly promise to be faithful to you…because it is who I’m meant to be, and what I’ve promised to do. I’m all in.”
Fidelity is most personal…it’s covenent, not contract. Nothing wrong with contracts, even necessary in issues of business. But they’re not the way to frame relationships, and they’re certainly not the way to frame fidelity. Quid pro quo, “I’ll do this if you’ll do that,” doesn’t work for fidelity. In fact it guts it.
So, then, fidelity is a straight-jacket, a commitment that locks you into a relationship forever, regardless of circumstances? However bad, painful or even abusive things might get, you’ve got to stay? NO, NO, NO! A virtue would never take you in a direction that asked you to compromise your dignity or your self-worth. Virtues make you and those around you better, not sicker.
What fidelity does challenge you to do is to consciously, courageously, creatively commit to something bigger than you or your partner, something that is worth living for and struggling for…whether your partner does or not. It challenges you to fight against a quitting culture that fails to see how self-sacrifice may actually lead to greater empowerment, greater self-esteem, and greater freedom. And if the relationship does end, fidelity guarantees that it will not be because you compromised yourself.
Fidelity is not just a way of being in marriage, it’s a way of being in life. It also happens to be my parents greatest gift to me. And I am grateful beyond words.
Question for reflection: Where do you practice fidelity, faithfulness to something bigger than you?
-Marcus Tullius Cicero
Fidelity is defined as “faithfulness to a person, cause, or belief,” and is stated formally in and through vows. It can be lived out in any calling (personal or professional), but for now I want to focus on what fidelity means in marriage.
This summer my mother and father celebrated their golden wedding anniversary. Fifty years, a half century, “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health…” They’ve honored and kept their vows to each other. This is a remarkable accomplishment, and I do mean accomplishment. My mother was barely twenty when she said “I do” to my father, and he was all of twenty-two when he promised himself to her in return. They were kids, for goodness sake!
There’s no way my parents could have known exactly what those wedding vows would entail, what would be asked of each; the twists and turns of life, children and grandchildren, changes and transitions, triumphs and losses, joys and sorrows. Yet, they have lived the virtue of fidelity.
“I promise…to love, honor, and respect you…to be faithful to you.” Wedding vows are oriented toward the other, and this is understandable. But I believe it also confuses fidelity. Because essentially, fidelity is not about your partner…it’s about you.
Fidelity is not a 50-50 proposition, and it’s not even a 100-100 proposition. Fidelity isn’t conditioned on the other person's behavior at all. “I solemnly promise to be faithful to you…because it is who I’m meant to be, and what I’ve promised to do. I’m all in.”
Fidelity is most personal…it’s covenent, not contract. Nothing wrong with contracts, even necessary in issues of business. But they’re not the way to frame relationships, and they’re certainly not the way to frame fidelity. Quid pro quo, “I’ll do this if you’ll do that,” doesn’t work for fidelity. In fact it guts it.
So, then, fidelity is a straight-jacket, a commitment that locks you into a relationship forever, regardless of circumstances? However bad, painful or even abusive things might get, you’ve got to stay? NO, NO, NO! A virtue would never take you in a direction that asked you to compromise your dignity or your self-worth. Virtues make you and those around you better, not sicker.
What fidelity does challenge you to do is to consciously, courageously, creatively commit to something bigger than you or your partner, something that is worth living for and struggling for…whether your partner does or not. It challenges you to fight against a quitting culture that fails to see how self-sacrifice may actually lead to greater empowerment, greater self-esteem, and greater freedom. And if the relationship does end, fidelity guarantees that it will not be because you compromised yourself.
Fidelity is not just a way of being in marriage, it’s a way of being in life. It also happens to be my parents greatest gift to me. And I am grateful beyond words.
Question for reflection: Where do you practice fidelity, faithfulness to something bigger than you?
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Sit down and listen: The virtue of communication
"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen."
-Winston Churchill
The consistent gridlock on Capital Hill, the egoizing of the NBA Players Lockout, the frustration of Occupy Wall Street and Elsewhere, the anger of Union strife; the news is full of communication breakdown. Everyone wants to be listened to, but few seem to be just as committed to listening. It’s wearying, truly.
The dissent? No, disagreeing is not the problem. EVERY system needs challenge and confrontation, both from within and from without. Families need it, schools need it, companies need it, churches need it, and governments need it. It keeps us open, and accountable, and vital, and attuned to the heartbeat of what is most true.
So people who are willing to stand up and speak, especially when what they have to say is not going to meet with ready approval are necessary. But communication is about more than speaking.
True communication is about talking AND listening. And if, as the experts say, 70% of communication is non-verbal, are you attending to more than just words in your conversations? What are the “roll of the eyes,” the “check of the watch,” the “shake of the head,” the “quick text”, and the “not-so-subtle yawn” saying to you?
In your own efforts to be seen, to be heard, to be right, what are you not hearing? Because of fear, or pride, or impatience, or all of the above, what are you missing? What do you NEED to hear from your partner, or parent, or child...from friend or "foe"? What are the difficult conversations that need to happen in your world?
Real communication, in the end, is about seeking understanding before agreement. And this can’t be done if you’re not willing to stand up and speak…and then sit down and listen. But as Churchill points out, it takes courage…because you may hear something you don’t want to hear, you may learn something about yourself that needs addressing, you may learn that you don’t know as much as you thought, your comfort zone might get stretched, and you may on occasion even get your head handed to you. O.K., and you might also grow, heal, bond, love, make the world a better place, and even find some peace along the way.
Peace through confrontation? Now you’re talking….and listening!
Question for reflection: How well do you communicate?
-Winston Churchill
The consistent gridlock on Capital Hill, the egoizing of the NBA Players Lockout, the frustration of Occupy Wall Street and Elsewhere, the anger of Union strife; the news is full of communication breakdown. Everyone wants to be listened to, but few seem to be just as committed to listening. It’s wearying, truly.
The dissent? No, disagreeing is not the problem. EVERY system needs challenge and confrontation, both from within and from without. Families need it, schools need it, companies need it, churches need it, and governments need it. It keeps us open, and accountable, and vital, and attuned to the heartbeat of what is most true.
So people who are willing to stand up and speak, especially when what they have to say is not going to meet with ready approval are necessary. But communication is about more than speaking.
True communication is about talking AND listening. And if, as the experts say, 70% of communication is non-verbal, are you attending to more than just words in your conversations? What are the “roll of the eyes,” the “check of the watch,” the “shake of the head,” the “quick text”, and the “not-so-subtle yawn” saying to you?
In your own efforts to be seen, to be heard, to be right, what are you not hearing? Because of fear, or pride, or impatience, or all of the above, what are you missing? What do you NEED to hear from your partner, or parent, or child...from friend or "foe"? What are the difficult conversations that need to happen in your world?
Real communication, in the end, is about seeking understanding before agreement. And this can’t be done if you’re not willing to stand up and speak…and then sit down and listen. But as Churchill points out, it takes courage…because you may hear something you don’t want to hear, you may learn something about yourself that needs addressing, you may learn that you don’t know as much as you thought, your comfort zone might get stretched, and you may on occasion even get your head handed to you. O.K., and you might also grow, heal, bond, love, make the world a better place, and even find some peace along the way.
Peace through confrontation? Now you’re talking….and listening!
Question for reflection: How well do you communicate?
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Living Thank-You's
"Gratitude is a sickness suffered by dogs.”
-Joseph Stalin
"A man's indebtedness is not virtue; his repayment is. Virtue begins when he dedicates himself actively to the job of gratitude."
-Ruth Benedict
As a child, Ioseb Jughasvili was routinely beaten by his alcoholic father. At seven years-old he contracted smallpox, which left his face badly scarred. By age 12, he had been in two different horse-drawn carriage accidents which resulted in his left arm being permanently disabled. He somehow found his way to the Orthodox Seminary at age 16, but was eventually dismissed because of unpaid debts to the school. After leaving seminary, he became increasingly political and ended up being sent to prison in Siberia seven times.
What happened to this emotionally, physically, and spiritually scarred man? What did he do with his immense pain, and rage, and shame? He decided that he’d spend his life gathering and keeping power, absolute power. That way, he’d never have to be beholden to anyone, never have to be vulnerable again, and never have to admit weakness or need. He even changed his last name to the Russian word for “steel” (stalin), in case someone missed the point.
So what in the name of everything good does Joseph Stalin have to do with gratitude, the virtue he considered “a sickeness suffered by dogs?” As a cautionary tale, a lot! Remember, we learn about virtues by studying life stories…and not just the happy ones. And the monsterous ways Stalin channeled his pain, hardened his heart, and learned to deny the good in himself and others should speak to all of us.
Of course you don’t need to have anything close to a Stalin-esque childhood to feel beaten up by circumstances beyond your control; betrayals, injustices, illnesses, rejections. And you also don’t have to be responsible for the deaths of tens of millions of people like Stalin in order to do significant harm with your suffering.
Life is difficult, and pain is built in to human existence…always has been, and always will be. No one gets a free pass; read the paper, watch the news, look in the mirror. And this is why gratitude is so essential. It helps us return again and again to the positive, and protects us from being victims of pain, and resentment, and despair….and becoming increasingly inhuman in the process.
Gratitude is an attitude of thankfulness and appreciation for life and those who give to us, and celebrates generosity of spirit. It shares the same word stem as grace, and helps us recognize gifts and blessings in our lives, even in the most difficult times. And as we feel grateful and then act as ones who have been cared for, what we do with pain changes. This is when feeling becomes virtue.
I have been given the gift of life, and I will work to protect life.
I have been given the gift of love, and I will love as many people as I can.
I have been given the gift of talents, and I will use my talents to make the world better.
I have been given the gift of forgiveness, and I will forgive those who hurt me.
I have been given the gift of freedom, and I will use my freedom to set others free.
Gratitude is not just about saying thank you, it’s about living thank you.
Question for reflection: What are you doing with the gifts you’ve been given?
-Joseph Stalin
"A man's indebtedness is not virtue; his repayment is. Virtue begins when he dedicates himself actively to the job of gratitude."
-Ruth Benedict
As a child, Ioseb Jughasvili was routinely beaten by his alcoholic father. At seven years-old he contracted smallpox, which left his face badly scarred. By age 12, he had been in two different horse-drawn carriage accidents which resulted in his left arm being permanently disabled. He somehow found his way to the Orthodox Seminary at age 16, but was eventually dismissed because of unpaid debts to the school. After leaving seminary, he became increasingly political and ended up being sent to prison in Siberia seven times.
What happened to this emotionally, physically, and spiritually scarred man? What did he do with his immense pain, and rage, and shame? He decided that he’d spend his life gathering and keeping power, absolute power. That way, he’d never have to be beholden to anyone, never have to be vulnerable again, and never have to admit weakness or need. He even changed his last name to the Russian word for “steel” (stalin), in case someone missed the point.
So what in the name of everything good does Joseph Stalin have to do with gratitude, the virtue he considered “a sickeness suffered by dogs?” As a cautionary tale, a lot! Remember, we learn about virtues by studying life stories…and not just the happy ones. And the monsterous ways Stalin channeled his pain, hardened his heart, and learned to deny the good in himself and others should speak to all of us.
Of course you don’t need to have anything close to a Stalin-esque childhood to feel beaten up by circumstances beyond your control; betrayals, injustices, illnesses, rejections. And you also don’t have to be responsible for the deaths of tens of millions of people like Stalin in order to do significant harm with your suffering.
Life is difficult, and pain is built in to human existence…always has been, and always will be. No one gets a free pass; read the paper, watch the news, look in the mirror. And this is why gratitude is so essential. It helps us return again and again to the positive, and protects us from being victims of pain, and resentment, and despair….and becoming increasingly inhuman in the process.
Gratitude is an attitude of thankfulness and appreciation for life and those who give to us, and celebrates generosity of spirit. It shares the same word stem as grace, and helps us recognize gifts and blessings in our lives, even in the most difficult times. And as we feel grateful and then act as ones who have been cared for, what we do with pain changes. This is when feeling becomes virtue.
I have been given the gift of life, and I will work to protect life.
I have been given the gift of love, and I will love as many people as I can.
I have been given the gift of talents, and I will use my talents to make the world better.
I have been given the gift of forgiveness, and I will forgive those who hurt me.
I have been given the gift of freedom, and I will use my freedom to set others free.
Gratitude is not just about saying thank you, it’s about living thank you.
Question for reflection: What are you doing with the gifts you’ve been given?
Sunday, November 20, 2011
The "wow" factor
"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.”
-Albert Einstein
Several years ago I was asked to be the guest on a cable television show with a viewership of several million. Really. The Journey Home is a show on EWTN, a cable television network beamed around the world. So, after picking myself off the ground I agreed to fly to Alabama and talk about my faith journey.
In the weeks leading up to my t.v. debut, I found myself imagining this to be my big break. People would like me, want to buy my books, and invite me to come and speak at their churches, schools, and retreat centers. This was going to be very good for business.
I flew to Alabama, taped the show, felt great about the hour long interview, believed I was engaging and charismatic enough, and came home ready for my career to surge to new heights.
And I waited, and waited, and waited.
True, I sold a few books, got some phone calls from folks who saw the show, and received a complimentary letter from the host and producer of the program thanking me for my effort. But my television experience was hardly a professional game-changer.
I admit, I was disappointed. I thought I knew why I was asked to go, and what would happen because of my going. I assumed, and got locked in to my assumptions. And I almost missed the real grace of the trip.
Assumptions can be very dangerous.
Three weeks after my return, I opened an email from a man I’d met in the studio, right after the taping. He had been part of the audience watching the show that night, and we’d spoken. He and I both had sons with Down syndrome. My son survived two heart surgeries, his son did not. I don’t recall saying anything more than what one father would naturally say to another about losing a child. But in the brief exchange and embrace, he was unlocked. And he wrote a simple, heartfelt message thanking me for that moment.
Surprise.
Life is so much deeper and broader than any of us can ever totally imagine; full of these kind of moments that can open us up…to meaning, and beauty, and revelation. But they are easily missed if we are not able to feel awe…and practice awe.
Awe is a recognition of, wonder about, and appreciation for mystery. And in that sense of awe, one is stirred to see and act differently.
Awe helps us explore mystery, not as a problem that needs to be solved, but a blessing that needs to be embraced. It confirms that truth and knowledge are found in “Wow” as well as “Why”, and helps us avoid letting assumptions about how things should be block the miracle of how things are…
And that is awe-some.
Question for reflection: What inspires awe in you?
-Albert Einstein
Several years ago I was asked to be the guest on a cable television show with a viewership of several million. Really. The Journey Home is a show on EWTN, a cable television network beamed around the world. So, after picking myself off the ground I agreed to fly to Alabama and talk about my faith journey.
In the weeks leading up to my t.v. debut, I found myself imagining this to be my big break. People would like me, want to buy my books, and invite me to come and speak at their churches, schools, and retreat centers. This was going to be very good for business.
I flew to Alabama, taped the show, felt great about the hour long interview, believed I was engaging and charismatic enough, and came home ready for my career to surge to new heights.
And I waited, and waited, and waited.
True, I sold a few books, got some phone calls from folks who saw the show, and received a complimentary letter from the host and producer of the program thanking me for my effort. But my television experience was hardly a professional game-changer.
I admit, I was disappointed. I thought I knew why I was asked to go, and what would happen because of my going. I assumed, and got locked in to my assumptions. And I almost missed the real grace of the trip.
Assumptions can be very dangerous.
Three weeks after my return, I opened an email from a man I’d met in the studio, right after the taping. He had been part of the audience watching the show that night, and we’d spoken. He and I both had sons with Down syndrome. My son survived two heart surgeries, his son did not. I don’t recall saying anything more than what one father would naturally say to another about losing a child. But in the brief exchange and embrace, he was unlocked. And he wrote a simple, heartfelt message thanking me for that moment.
Surprise.
Life is so much deeper and broader than any of us can ever totally imagine; full of these kind of moments that can open us up…to meaning, and beauty, and revelation. But they are easily missed if we are not able to feel awe…and practice awe.
Awe is a recognition of, wonder about, and appreciation for mystery. And in that sense of awe, one is stirred to see and act differently.
Awe helps us explore mystery, not as a problem that needs to be solved, but a blessing that needs to be embraced. It confirms that truth and knowledge are found in “Wow” as well as “Why”, and helps us avoid letting assumptions about how things should be block the miracle of how things are…
And that is awe-some.
Question for reflection: What inspires awe in you?
Sunday, November 13, 2011
A Work of Art
“Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.”
-Confucius
Dr. Iain Hutchison is a renowned maxillo-facial surgeon operating on the faces of people who have suffered significant deformities as a result of surgeries, accidents, and attacks. And he understands well that beauty is more than skin deep. This of course is not always an easy message to sell, especially to those whose appearances often draw gawking stares, rude comments, and worse. So out of his own pocket, Hutchison commissioned portrait artist Mark Gilbert to paint the faces of his patients before, after surgery, and in some cases even during surgery. And the “Saving Faces” art project was born. The original goal was to show physical transformation, but soon Hutchison and Gilbert saw that something much more profound was happening.
As Gilbert would begin painting, the patients would become subjects; worthy of time, and attention, and care. They felt special, and as the art continued they began to talk about themselves, and what they thought and felt. Gilbert listened, and painted, and asked questions, and painted, and listened some more. And these human beings felt deeply and lovingly seen…perhaps for the first time in a very long time.
“Everything has beauty but not everyone sees it.”
Mirroring is a term first coined by psychologist Hans Kohut. It refers to the intimate experience one has of being “seen” in the reflection of another’s face. The classic example is a mother-infant interaction where baby and momma make eye contact, and baby coos and momma coos back, and a verbal and non-verbal “conversation” develops into psychological and spiritual nourishing.
Of course mirroring is not limited to infancy narratives. We all continue to need mirroring experiences throughout life, to “see” in the face of another that we matter. Our subjectivity, our uniqueness, our humanity is accepted as precious. That we are beautiful in ways that will outlast the ravages of time, and will not pass away.
It’s not easy to find someone who practices the virtue of mirroring consistently because it takes quality time, psychological presence, the desire to seek understanding over agreement, and the willingness to give without expectation of return. “I want to know you, I want to hear you, I want to see you…in order to celebrate you.”
So, then, how does this miracle happen? How can this miracle happen? One hurting person, one gentle smile, one caring question, one sincere affirmation, one blessed moment at a time. Start small and build. Trust that beauty exists in everyone, beauty that lasts…and then seek it, see it, and share it with the one who is the work of art.
It is nothing less than reconstructive surgery for the soul.
Question for reflection: Who has mirrored for you what is most beautiful about you?
-Confucius
Dr. Iain Hutchison is a renowned maxillo-facial surgeon operating on the faces of people who have suffered significant deformities as a result of surgeries, accidents, and attacks. And he understands well that beauty is more than skin deep. This of course is not always an easy message to sell, especially to those whose appearances often draw gawking stares, rude comments, and worse. So out of his own pocket, Hutchison commissioned portrait artist Mark Gilbert to paint the faces of his patients before, after surgery, and in some cases even during surgery. And the “Saving Faces” art project was born. The original goal was to show physical transformation, but soon Hutchison and Gilbert saw that something much more profound was happening.
As Gilbert would begin painting, the patients would become subjects; worthy of time, and attention, and care. They felt special, and as the art continued they began to talk about themselves, and what they thought and felt. Gilbert listened, and painted, and asked questions, and painted, and listened some more. And these human beings felt deeply and lovingly seen…perhaps for the first time in a very long time.
“Everything has beauty but not everyone sees it.”
Mirroring is a term first coined by psychologist Hans Kohut. It refers to the intimate experience one has of being “seen” in the reflection of another’s face. The classic example is a mother-infant interaction where baby and momma make eye contact, and baby coos and momma coos back, and a verbal and non-verbal “conversation” develops into psychological and spiritual nourishing.
Of course mirroring is not limited to infancy narratives. We all continue to need mirroring experiences throughout life, to “see” in the face of another that we matter. Our subjectivity, our uniqueness, our humanity is accepted as precious. That we are beautiful in ways that will outlast the ravages of time, and will not pass away.
It’s not easy to find someone who practices the virtue of mirroring consistently because it takes quality time, psychological presence, the desire to seek understanding over agreement, and the willingness to give without expectation of return. “I want to know you, I want to hear you, I want to see you…in order to celebrate you.”
So, then, how does this miracle happen? How can this miracle happen? One hurting person, one gentle smile, one caring question, one sincere affirmation, one blessed moment at a time. Start small and build. Trust that beauty exists in everyone, beauty that lasts…and then seek it, see it, and share it with the one who is the work of art.
It is nothing less than reconstructive surgery for the soul.
Question for reflection: Who has mirrored for you what is most beautiful about you?
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Telling a thousand stories
“Grief ends when a thousand stories are told.”
-Native American saying
Jenni and I arrived in the small town of Bayeux on a late afternoon in June. And because we were still a couple of hours away from dinner time, we decided to dump the suitcases in our room and set out on a walk. Almost immediately, we came upon a sign pointing toward the British war cemetary on the outskirts of town, and we decided to pay our respects. There, just under 4,000 British soldiers are buried, having paid the ultimate price for freedom in the historic invasion of Normandy.
Making our way slowly and reverentially through the rows of tombstones we noticed a still-fresh bouquet of flowers lying on the grave of a twenty year old British soldier who had died the day of the invasion, June 6, 1944. And as we drew closer, I saw a notecard peeking out from beneath the flowers, with the slightly smudged “17 June” visible. The visitor had been there just a day before we arrived. Who would be leaving a handwritten message on a marker that was 64 years-old? My curiosity got the best of me and I gently lifted the bouquet to read the rest of the message.
“Sweetheart, I love you and always will.”
Even now as I type these words I catch my breath; the message was so simple, and so profound. Of course there is much we don’t know about this love. But we do know what matters most…that it endured. Across the years and tears, the love endured. But how?
How much time could these sweethearts have even had together? He was dead, tragically taken, before his twenty-first birthday. Yet, sixty-four years later she returned; still feeling, remembering, and sharing what they had.
Reality is so much more powerful than anything Hollywood could dream up.
Here was a remarkable witness to love…and the roll of grief well done. Love and loss are intimately connected because we live in a world that has endings unavoidably built in. But the virtue that can develop in and through the heartache allows one to experience both, and live on with grace. That’s how she could return.
Grieving is about facing the loss of someone or something precious, and growing through it by finding the love that remains, purified. We can rise above the grip of death when we rest in that which does not die.
Fine philosophy, good theology, but how does one actually, practically grieve? How does one move through sadness, and depression, and the temptation to despair…and find life in what remains?
“Grieving ends when a thousand stories are told.”
I believe grief is done best through story telling. Stop and think of all the wakes, memorial services, and funerals you’ve gone to. What, in the end, is the point? To honor the dead? Sure. But funerals, like cemetaries, are for the living much more than the dead. There, people are actually encouraged to tell stories about the one who has died; funny stories, poignant stories, stories that affirm that this person mattered, and that life matters, and that love doesn’t die. Stories communicate what is most true in ways that are most embraceable.
And they remind the living that the story goes on…as does love.
Question for reflection: Do you tell stories that affirm the lives of those you have loved and lost?
-Native American saying
Jenni and I arrived in the small town of Bayeux on a late afternoon in June. And because we were still a couple of hours away from dinner time, we decided to dump the suitcases in our room and set out on a walk. Almost immediately, we came upon a sign pointing toward the British war cemetary on the outskirts of town, and we decided to pay our respects. There, just under 4,000 British soldiers are buried, having paid the ultimate price for freedom in the historic invasion of Normandy.
Making our way slowly and reverentially through the rows of tombstones we noticed a still-fresh bouquet of flowers lying on the grave of a twenty year old British soldier who had died the day of the invasion, June 6, 1944. And as we drew closer, I saw a notecard peeking out from beneath the flowers, with the slightly smudged “17 June” visible. The visitor had been there just a day before we arrived. Who would be leaving a handwritten message on a marker that was 64 years-old? My curiosity got the best of me and I gently lifted the bouquet to read the rest of the message.
“Sweetheart, I love you and always will.”
Even now as I type these words I catch my breath; the message was so simple, and so profound. Of course there is much we don’t know about this love. But we do know what matters most…that it endured. Across the years and tears, the love endured. But how?
How much time could these sweethearts have even had together? He was dead, tragically taken, before his twenty-first birthday. Yet, sixty-four years later she returned; still feeling, remembering, and sharing what they had.
Reality is so much more powerful than anything Hollywood could dream up.
Here was a remarkable witness to love…and the roll of grief well done. Love and loss are intimately connected because we live in a world that has endings unavoidably built in. But the virtue that can develop in and through the heartache allows one to experience both, and live on with grace. That’s how she could return.
Grieving is about facing the loss of someone or something precious, and growing through it by finding the love that remains, purified. We can rise above the grip of death when we rest in that which does not die.
Fine philosophy, good theology, but how does one actually, practically grieve? How does one move through sadness, and depression, and the temptation to despair…and find life in what remains?
“Grieving ends when a thousand stories are told.”
I believe grief is done best through story telling. Stop and think of all the wakes, memorial services, and funerals you’ve gone to. What, in the end, is the point? To honor the dead? Sure. But funerals, like cemetaries, are for the living much more than the dead. There, people are actually encouraged to tell stories about the one who has died; funny stories, poignant stories, stories that affirm that this person mattered, and that life matters, and that love doesn’t die. Stories communicate what is most true in ways that are most embraceable.
And they remind the living that the story goes on…as does love.
Question for reflection: Do you tell stories that affirm the lives of those you have loved and lost?
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