In the beginning....

"If you would understand anything, observe its beginning and its development."
-Aristotle

I didn't think the assignment was going to be very difficult. "Tell me about your family history. Where were your ancestors from, where did they settle when they first arrived in America, and what did they do for a living." Basic information, straightforward, easily shared, right? Wrong.

A disturbing number of students couldn't even tell me much about their grandparents' pasts, let alone foremothers and forefathers from three or four generations back. "We don't really talk about the past." "How would I know?" "What does that have to do with me?"

It got me wondering how many of today’s teenagers are a-historical: unaware and/or unconcerned about their roots, their family histories. And what the cost is.

“If you would understand anything, observe its beginning and its development.”

We cannot know ourselves, understand ourselves, simply by looking at ourselves. This is simplistic at best, and runs the real risk of feeding a culture that is already startlingly shallow and narcissistic.

Knowing the stories of those who came before us…appreciating the sacrifice, the courage, and the perseverance of our ancestors…is a crucial part of knowing our own stories. A generation that is not meaningfully rooted in its history, and grateful for a foundation to build on, cannot grow to full maturity.

Sit down and listen!

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen."
-Winston Churchill

In our own efforts to be seen, to be heard, to be right, what are we not hearing?Because of fear, or pride, or impatience, or all of the above, what are we missing? What do we NEED to hear from our spouse, our parent, or our child...from our friend or our "foe"?

True communication is about talking AND listening, and it is the key to intimacy.

And if, as the experts say, 75% of communication is non-verbal, are we attending to more than just words?

Have the courage to sit down, to be still, and to seek understanding before agreement.

More than flies?

St. Thomas Aquinas once wrote that, "All the efforts of the human mind cannot exhaust the essence of a single fly." This from agruably the greatest genius of the last thousand years. If anyone understood the power...and limitations...of the intellect it was the Angelic Doctor.

All the efforts of the human mind cannot exhaust the essence of a single fly? And if this is true for flies, how much MORE true is it for human beings, made in the very Image of God?!

Should we, then, stop trying to think, stop trying to reason, stop trying to figure things out? Of course not. Heaven knows this world could use a little more rationality, and a little less hysteria.

But it does mean that as we live our lives, and try (more days than not) to get along with those around us, we'd do well to respect the dimension of mystery in others, and to practice reason with a good measure of faith and humility!

Rock Pile?

"A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral."
-Antoine de Saint-Exupery

All around us is embedded meaning, beauty, truth. This is because of Who God is. And He has created us to wonder, to discover, to engage His creation with the gifts we've been given. He'll give us the grace and inspiration for this journey. But we are free to choose, so He won't do the work for us.

Do you see rock piles in your life, or potential cathedrals? It all starts with vision, and hope. Let yourself dream, love, pray, and don't put off what you feel in your heart is essential.

Attaching the card to the gift

Words matter, especially when it comes to loving: there is no getting around this fact. Love is just too powerful and too important to leave mute. In the midst of one memorable marriage therapy session, I had a husband actually say to me, in front of his wife: “I said I loved her on our wedding day, and if that ever changes, I’ll let her know.” Now, before you judge this man to be a complete jerk, let me say that he is actually a good man…verbally challenged, but a good man. He did many things that communicated love to his spouse and his kids, but these acts of charity were often lost in the busyness of everyday life. Working 50 hours a week in order to provide financial stability for her, responsibly putting away money for their retirement years, and remaining faithful to his wedding vows in mind and body were all ways he believed he was communicating love. And this was true. However, relationships are strengthened when words accompany deeds.

Words clarify intentions, and don’t leave too much open to interpretation (or mis-interpretation). When you give people gifts at Christmas time, you attach a card, right? You let them know who gave them the present by signing your name. Why? Probably because you want them to know you were thinking of them, caring about them, confirming that they matter to you. You don’t typically leave a package outside the doors to their rooms or their houses and silently slip away. The gift is nice, but what matters more (and lasts longer) is that the people receiving the gifts feel loved. Don’t leave them guessing. Say the words that affirm, “I love you,” and make sure your gift is received in the spirit it was given.

Consider your family members, starting with your spouse. How does your husband or wife know you’ve loved him or her today? “I fixed dinner, “I came straight home from work instead of going out with my co-workers,” “I washed the car,” “I did the grocery shopping”: attach an “I love you” to these deeds, and clarify what they meant to you, and what your partner means to you!

“My kids know I love them.” Really, how? Because you are planning for their futures, or paying for their piano lessons, or praying for them at night after they’ve gone to bed? These can all be statements of love, true, but your kids can’t read your mind. They don’t always see the world the way you do. Their feelings are not your feelings. Don’t assume; “sign the card”.

I wish each of you a blessed Season of Miracles, and encourage you to make sure you “attach the card to the gift”…all year long!

For Miriam

The Holiday Season is now officially upon us, and in the next several weeks we will have built-in opportunities to practice the virtue of generosity. Quick, what comes to mind? If gift-giving was your first thought, you are not alone. And there is certainly nothing wrong with exchanging presents. But an exclusively material understanding of this virtue is to miss the essence of generosity. In fact, some of the most giving and charitable people I know have very little in the way of things. Generosity is first and last a gift of the heart.

In my clinical practice, I have had the opportunity to work with many special people who were outstanding in one way or another. But one stands out as truly memorable when I think about the virtue of generosity...I'll call her Miriam. I met her soon after she was diagnosed with cancer. Miriam told me that the doctors gave her less than a year to live, and she didn’t want that to get in the way of her life. In the weeks that followed, Miriam and I talked a lot about spirituality, and how to bring meaning out of her terminal condition. She decided that the focus for the remainder of her time on earth needed to be service to others. Although she had always been involved in one charity or another, it had been on the side. Now, she wanted her volunteerism to be front and center. A local soup kitchen in need of helpers welcomed her with open arms, and in no time her grace and selflessness began to impact everyone around her. The homeless people would find out when she was going to be working so they could come by to visit with her, and the staff began calling her “mom”.

She gave tirelessly, whether ladling soup, washing dishes, encouraging diners, or counseling other volunteers about relationships. As time passed, Miriam began to grow weaker, but she insisted that she wanted to continue. So the organization arranged for her to be picked up at her apartment, and placed several recliner chairs around the facility so that she had a place to rest wherever she was in the building. I was told by several of her co-workers that Miriam never stopped smiling, never stopped asking others about their lives, and never stopped talking about how fortunate she had been in her life.

What the staff didn’t know was that Miriam was the survivor of a violent childhood and a horribly abusive marriage, and had fewer material possessions than most of the homeless people she fed and cared for. Her generosity elevated Miriam to a level of goodness, of greatness, most could never have dreamed of before meeting her.

And I have no doubt that when she did at last walk through the gates of Heaven on that bright December afternoon, nearly ten years ago now, the angels bowed in admiration.

I wish all of you a blessed Holiday Season, a season full of generosity that begins and ends in the heart.

Sharing the Rough Draft

In marriage, we are constantly having internal dialogues about our spouses and our marriage. “I think my wife is mad at me because I didn’t ask her about her day?” “I feel my husband is bored with me because I see him yawn all the time.” “I wonder if our marriage is as strong as the Jones’?” Our thoughts and our feelings give us an initial “read” on a given situation, something like a rough draft, but these assumptions are often untested. Is this absolute fact, or is it just something I think or feel to be true?

Too often this “rough draft” bounces around in our heads and hearts, but doesn’t get voiced until we’re often pretty far down the road toward a conclusion. Maybe we don’t share because we’re too busy, maybe it’s because we’re afraid of what’s really going on, and maybe we keep our internal dialogues to ourselves because we’re insecure about possibly needing anything. Whatever the reason, it’s dangerous. We’re practicing emotionally isolating behavior that slowly kills intimacy. Fears creep in, and we become increasingly likely to behave toward our spouses as if our assumptions are actual realities. And guess what, our spouses are going to be pretty confused!

Even if the assumptions we carry about our marriages or our beloveds are positive ones, we still need to be bringing our spouses into the “conversation” because anything good should be shared and celebrated.

So often therapy is about getting clients to relate to one other instead of untested, false assumptions about each other. Over time these false assumptions have been left to harden over the months and even years like concrete. Thus, it takes much work to chisel away the layers of defensiveness and get to the truth. So much pain and loneliness could have been avoided if the rough drafts had been “read” out loud, brought into the light. “I feel like you don’t care about me as much as you do the kids.” “I believe you only want to spend time with me if you think we’re going to have sex.” “You’re disappointed in me because I don’t make more money, right?” “I think you come home late because you prefer to be at work.” Say it!

Your thoughts and feelings are very important. They give you meaningful information about who you are and where you’ve been, but they are not always an accurate read on life going on around you. Your thoughts and feelings are not infallible….even when it comes to your spouse and your marriage. You may believe that because you’ve known your partner for a long time, your intuition is bound to be accurate. Maybe it is, but test it first! Share what’s in your head, share what’s in your heart…early and often. “Let me read my rough draft to you.” “How does it sound so far?” “Am I on track, or is my conclusion faulty?”

But don’t just stop at reading the rough draft of your thoughts and feelings out loud to your spouse; edit, revise, re-write! The final draft is yours, but it should include plenty of feedback from you partner.