Funny the things that come to mind when you hear that someone you knew has died.
I knew John Wooden in passing. He was friends with my father, and he was gracious enough to accept the Humanitas Award at our second Stillpoint Family Resources Gala. A week before the event, I had the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to meet with him at his home in Encino. He graciously autographed a basketball for our auction, and then chatted with me for about thirty minutes. I left knowing that I had been in the presence of greatness.
He'd spoken about basketball, but also about poetry, philosophy, and faith. The man was profound, and I was transfixed. Toward the end of our meeting, I was able to mumble that I'd had the privilege of attending four of his summer basketball camps, and how much I'd enjoyed them. He smiled and asked me if I remembered the drills. I did, actually. But what I remembered more had nothing to do with basketball.
I remember how Coach was with his wife. As a boy of eight, I noticed how he responded when he'd see her arrive at the camp. He seemed to explode with joy. This sports immortal, the "Wizard of Westwood", greatest coach in the history of college basketball (and maybe all of basketball), totally and unabashedly joyful about his wife. She'd enter the cafeteria and he'd get up, go to her, embrace her, and usher her to his table where they seemed to have a date...at least that's what it felt like. In the middle of a noisy cafeteria, at a basketball camp for kids, they were alone. I was eight and I noticed. What does that tell you about the power of their love?
John Wooden wasn't a great man because he won a lot of basketball games. He was great because he loved. He loved God, he loved learning, he loved people, he loved basketball, and he especially loved his wife. I smile to think that John and Nellie are finally together again tonight, forever.
Requiescat in pace, Coach. Thank you for teaching about what matters most.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
In the beginning....
“Whatever did not fit in with my plan did lie within the plan of God.”
-St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross
I remember the call like it was yesterday. It woke me from this wonderful dream about my beautiful wife and my brand new, perfectly healthy son. "We need you to come back to the hospital. We believe your son has some genetic issues we need to discuss with you and your wife." The pediatrician sounded like she was a million miles away. Of course she was already distancing herself emotionally...what news to have to give to a first-time father who six hours earlier was sent home with the promise that everything was fine.
The doctor gave the phone to Jenni, without telling her anything about "genetic issues". "Ross, what's going on?" All I could mumble was, "I’ll be there in twenty minutes and we'll figure it all out." I hung up the phone and collapsed into a chair. Figure it all out? The doctor was talking about Down syndrome. I don’t know how I knew, but I didn't even have to ask. My head started to swim, and my breathing suddenly became very shallow. I tried to tell myself that the doctors could be wrong, and that there was no way two healthy young parents could have a child with Down syndrome. Besides, throughout the entire pregnancy none of the screens or ultrasounds had picked up any sign of problems. This couldn’t be.
But as I sat there in our kitchen, looking out at the start of a bright sunny day, I knew that the doctors were not wrong, and that two healthy young parents could have a Down’s baby, and that not all screenings and ultrasounds pick up irregularities in a pregnancy. Most of all, I was overwhelmed by the realization that my life had just taken a sharp turn and that nothing would ever be the same again. John Michael Porter, miracle, mystery, perfect gift of God was born with strawberry-blonde hair, blue eyes, and 47 chromosomes. In addition, he had two major heart malformations and needed his first heart procedure at three days old to save his life. Over the next two years, he would have pneumonia and two more open-heart surgeries. If John Michael had been born twenty years earlier, he would not have survived one week. The technology that saved his life had not yet been developed.
I know without a doubt that I would be a very different person if I had lost my baby boy. I would still believe deep down that giftedness was best defined by I.Q. tests, and the formula for success was a good education coupled with a high paying job, and that “retarded” people couldn’t be teachers. I’ve found that this is the worldview of most people in our society…especially if they haven’t experienced the beauty of a special needs person face-to-face, and heart to heart. People who carry this bias are not bad, they’re just mistaken…like I was mistaken for the first thirty years of my life.
Some lessons can only be taught in the context of a relationship.
Tomorrow, May 31st, the Feast Day of the Visitation, our John Michael turns 16 years-old. The little boy Jenni and I had baptized at 16 hours old, because we thought it would be the last thing we could do for him before he returned to God, is about to turn 16. Amazing. My heart is so full of gratitude for the gift of his life, and for the gifts all our special needs children are. But my heart is also heavy, knowing how frighteningly few of these precious children are even given the chance to live, to love, and to change the world around them with their smiles, and hugs, and innocence.
Please join me in praying for those who are, or will become, pregnant with special needs children; that they are able to see with eyes of faith the gift they've been given, and that they will receive the support they need to embrace life. Because if they choose life, they will be changed forever...and the world will be a better place.
And thank you John Michael for being my hidden grace, my greatest teacher, my heart. You're daddy loves you beyond words.
-St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross
I remember the call like it was yesterday. It woke me from this wonderful dream about my beautiful wife and my brand new, perfectly healthy son. "We need you to come back to the hospital. We believe your son has some genetic issues we need to discuss with you and your wife." The pediatrician sounded like she was a million miles away. Of course she was already distancing herself emotionally...what news to have to give to a first-time father who six hours earlier was sent home with the promise that everything was fine.
The doctor gave the phone to Jenni, without telling her anything about "genetic issues". "Ross, what's going on?" All I could mumble was, "I’ll be there in twenty minutes and we'll figure it all out." I hung up the phone and collapsed into a chair. Figure it all out? The doctor was talking about Down syndrome. I don’t know how I knew, but I didn't even have to ask. My head started to swim, and my breathing suddenly became very shallow. I tried to tell myself that the doctors could be wrong, and that there was no way two healthy young parents could have a child with Down syndrome. Besides, throughout the entire pregnancy none of the screens or ultrasounds had picked up any sign of problems. This couldn’t be.
But as I sat there in our kitchen, looking out at the start of a bright sunny day, I knew that the doctors were not wrong, and that two healthy young parents could have a Down’s baby, and that not all screenings and ultrasounds pick up irregularities in a pregnancy. Most of all, I was overwhelmed by the realization that my life had just taken a sharp turn and that nothing would ever be the same again. John Michael Porter, miracle, mystery, perfect gift of God was born with strawberry-blonde hair, blue eyes, and 47 chromosomes. In addition, he had two major heart malformations and needed his first heart procedure at three days old to save his life. Over the next two years, he would have pneumonia and two more open-heart surgeries. If John Michael had been born twenty years earlier, he would not have survived one week. The technology that saved his life had not yet been developed.
I know without a doubt that I would be a very different person if I had lost my baby boy. I would still believe deep down that giftedness was best defined by I.Q. tests, and the formula for success was a good education coupled with a high paying job, and that “retarded” people couldn’t be teachers. I’ve found that this is the worldview of most people in our society…especially if they haven’t experienced the beauty of a special needs person face-to-face, and heart to heart. People who carry this bias are not bad, they’re just mistaken…like I was mistaken for the first thirty years of my life.
Some lessons can only be taught in the context of a relationship.
Tomorrow, May 31st, the Feast Day of the Visitation, our John Michael turns 16 years-old. The little boy Jenni and I had baptized at 16 hours old, because we thought it would be the last thing we could do for him before he returned to God, is about to turn 16. Amazing. My heart is so full of gratitude for the gift of his life, and for the gifts all our special needs children are. But my heart is also heavy, knowing how frighteningly few of these precious children are even given the chance to live, to love, and to change the world around them with their smiles, and hugs, and innocence.
Please join me in praying for those who are, or will become, pregnant with special needs children; that they are able to see with eyes of faith the gift they've been given, and that they will receive the support they need to embrace life. Because if they choose life, they will be changed forever...and the world will be a better place.
And thank you John Michael for being my hidden grace, my greatest teacher, my heart. You're daddy loves you beyond words.
Friday, May 14, 2010
A thing of the heart
When one speaks of courage, images that jump to mind are of heroic action: the first responders on 9/11, a teen-aged St. Joan of Arc leading the army of France into battle, the soldiers who stormed the beaches at Normandy. Certainly these are all outstanding examples, but can also lead people to believe that courage only happens on the largest of stages, with lives in the balance. We miss the full beauty of this virtue if we don't recognize that courage is just as fully presented in the "little things"...victories that can't be quantified. Victories that can only be measured by the heart.
In fact, the word Courage comes from the Latin for "Heart". Courage takes the "thought" to do good, and puts it into action. To resist giving in to obstacles, and to take positive action...that's courage.
And there was plenty of courage, heart, on display yesterday at the Chaminade College Preparatory baseball diamond.
My dear friend and colleague Joe Sikorra was there with his son John. John is blind, and struggling with the devastating effects of Batten disease, a neurodegenerative disorder. But his dream has always been to play high school baseball. He's been on the team as a "coach" this year, but that wasn't enough. He wanted to hit, and he wanted to run, and he wanted to score.
So, yesterday at the start of the game, the manager chose John to be the leadoff hitter. The visiting team took the field, honoring the moment with their cooperation. A ball tee was placed at home plate, and Joe led John to it...and then stood back and let him swing for the fences. And did he ever! As John, led by his father, rounded the bases the crowd rose and cheered, a boy's dream was realized, and this weary world seemed just a bit brighter.
Courage. It's the virtue of battlefields and burning buildings. But yesterday it was also the virtue of a high school baseball diamond, when a beautiful young man running short on time and his proud father grabbed hands and together charged past fear, and indifference, and passivity and into an immortal moment that all of Heaven cheered...along with a couple of hundred people on earth.
In fact, the word Courage comes from the Latin for "Heart". Courage takes the "thought" to do good, and puts it into action. To resist giving in to obstacles, and to take positive action...that's courage.
And there was plenty of courage, heart, on display yesterday at the Chaminade College Preparatory baseball diamond.
My dear friend and colleague Joe Sikorra was there with his son John. John is blind, and struggling with the devastating effects of Batten disease, a neurodegenerative disorder. But his dream has always been to play high school baseball. He's been on the team as a "coach" this year, but that wasn't enough. He wanted to hit, and he wanted to run, and he wanted to score.
So, yesterday at the start of the game, the manager chose John to be the leadoff hitter. The visiting team took the field, honoring the moment with their cooperation. A ball tee was placed at home plate, and Joe led John to it...and then stood back and let him swing for the fences. And did he ever! As John, led by his father, rounded the bases the crowd rose and cheered, a boy's dream was realized, and this weary world seemed just a bit brighter.
Courage. It's the virtue of battlefields and burning buildings. But yesterday it was also the virtue of a high school baseball diamond, when a beautiful young man running short on time and his proud father grabbed hands and together charged past fear, and indifference, and passivity and into an immortal moment that all of Heaven cheered...along with a couple of hundred people on earth.
Friday, April 23, 2010
The Tiger You Know...
Are you familiar with the saying, “The tiger you know is better than the tiger you don’t know?” It originated in India, with townspeople that lived on the edge of jungles inhabited by tigers. Inevitably, a tiger would wander out of the jungle and through the town, looking for food. This was certainly an immediate danger, but over time the town got to know the tiger’s habits, his routines, and when he would come calling. They chose not to kill the tiger, because they knew that another would soon replace it, and bring new habits they were unfamiliar with. This new tiger would be more dangerous than the old because the new one would be unpredictable.
This “settling mentality” may be the right strategy for Indian towns dealing with tiger problems, but it is a slow death for marriages, a quitting that is just as final as a divorce.
Marriages get into ruts, and stay in ruts for many reasons, but at the core is a fear of change. We are always free to make changes, adaptations in our marriages, big and small. True, our freedom is not unlimited but there are always choices…always. However, there will invariably arise a serious temptation to deny this personal freedom, and give excuses for why we must remain stuck.
Anxiety comes with all change, because change brings us face to face with possibility, with the great unknown, with new challenges and responsibilities. And anxiety is an uncomfortable feeling to say the least. It may sound crazy but many marriages stall, and remain stalled, because relative dissatisfaction is seen as preferable to all that potential healing and growth would bring. “True, I’m not wonderfully happy, but it could be worse.” The tiger you know…
Spring is the season of new beginnings. See if now isn't the right time to re-discover why you first chose each other. What first drew you to each other, and what you origninally fell in love about....and begin that wonderful process of falling in love all over again!
This “settling mentality” may be the right strategy for Indian towns dealing with tiger problems, but it is a slow death for marriages, a quitting that is just as final as a divorce.
Marriages get into ruts, and stay in ruts for many reasons, but at the core is a fear of change. We are always free to make changes, adaptations in our marriages, big and small. True, our freedom is not unlimited but there are always choices…always. However, there will invariably arise a serious temptation to deny this personal freedom, and give excuses for why we must remain stuck.
Anxiety comes with all change, because change brings us face to face with possibility, with the great unknown, with new challenges and responsibilities. And anxiety is an uncomfortable feeling to say the least. It may sound crazy but many marriages stall, and remain stalled, because relative dissatisfaction is seen as preferable to all that potential healing and growth would bring. “True, I’m not wonderfully happy, but it could be worse.” The tiger you know…
Spring is the season of new beginnings. See if now isn't the right time to re-discover why you first chose each other. What first drew you to each other, and what you origninally fell in love about....and begin that wonderful process of falling in love all over again!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Facing Pain
"There is no coming to consciousness without pain." -Carl Jung
Jung is right, of course. There is no coming to consciousness, no "waking up to reality" if you will without pain. Whether it arrives physically, emotionally, or spiritually, pain will come knocking. C.S. Lewis once said, "God whispers to us in our pleasure and shouts to us in our pain." This is reality, this is life on planet earth. Lots of wonderful, beautiful, fun, loving experiences, but always with a pinch of pain tossed into the mix here and there (and sometimes even more than just here and there). This is not Heaven.
The point of this life is to learn how to love and grow up, to help others learn to love and grow up, and to prepare for eternity. This doesn't happen without pain. Sure wish it did, but it doesn't.
But as someone who feels pain, as someone who works with people in pain all the time, and as someone who (like millions of others around the world) is trying to embrace all that is Holy Week, simply feeling pain is not enough.
People in pain can be quite dangerous, destructive, crazed...like wounded animals. They have not come to "consciousness," to awareness and mindfulness. Or maybe they have, and concluded that objective reality is not what they're willing or able to embrace.
What do we do with pain when it comes? This is the key question. Do we pretend like we don't feel it? Do we get busy, compulsive, frantic with activity? Do we isolate? Do we go to war against real or perceived enemies (anger is a popular hiding place for those attempting to manage pain)?
Or do we feel, and bring the pain into relationship with trusted others (asking for accountability, guidance, support, and love). Feel, and work to place the pain in a larger context of meaning and purpose (what can be learned about the world, human nature, and all that I have to be grateful for?). Feel, and choose to let the pain educate us about where we need to grow up (immaturity, entitlements, and illusions). Feel, and choose to purify, mortify the parts of us that need to die (pride, sloth, greed...shoot, just choose your own favorite deadly sin and insert here)?
Life is difficult. Pain is inevitable. No use denying. So let's learn what we can, seize the opportunity for transformation, face reality as head-on as possible, stay connected to life-giving people and institutions, and recognize that the pain we feel (however debilitating, terrifying, crushing, or maddening) is only part of the much larger reality of our lives. Let's not hide... for our sakes, for the sakes of our loved ones, and for the sake of this hurting world. Because if we can summon enough courage to live in truth, pain will not have the final word. And resurrection will become much more than a theory.
Jung is right, of course. There is no coming to consciousness, no "waking up to reality" if you will without pain. Whether it arrives physically, emotionally, or spiritually, pain will come knocking. C.S. Lewis once said, "God whispers to us in our pleasure and shouts to us in our pain." This is reality, this is life on planet earth. Lots of wonderful, beautiful, fun, loving experiences, but always with a pinch of pain tossed into the mix here and there (and sometimes even more than just here and there). This is not Heaven.
The point of this life is to learn how to love and grow up, to help others learn to love and grow up, and to prepare for eternity. This doesn't happen without pain. Sure wish it did, but it doesn't.
But as someone who feels pain, as someone who works with people in pain all the time, and as someone who (like millions of others around the world) is trying to embrace all that is Holy Week, simply feeling pain is not enough.
People in pain can be quite dangerous, destructive, crazed...like wounded animals. They have not come to "consciousness," to awareness and mindfulness. Or maybe they have, and concluded that objective reality is not what they're willing or able to embrace.
What do we do with pain when it comes? This is the key question. Do we pretend like we don't feel it? Do we get busy, compulsive, frantic with activity? Do we isolate? Do we go to war against real or perceived enemies (anger is a popular hiding place for those attempting to manage pain)?
Or do we feel, and bring the pain into relationship with trusted others (asking for accountability, guidance, support, and love). Feel, and work to place the pain in a larger context of meaning and purpose (what can be learned about the world, human nature, and all that I have to be grateful for?). Feel, and choose to let the pain educate us about where we need to grow up (immaturity, entitlements, and illusions). Feel, and choose to purify, mortify the parts of us that need to die (pride, sloth, greed...shoot, just choose your own favorite deadly sin and insert here)?
Life is difficult. Pain is inevitable. No use denying. So let's learn what we can, seize the opportunity for transformation, face reality as head-on as possible, stay connected to life-giving people and institutions, and recognize that the pain we feel (however debilitating, terrifying, crushing, or maddening) is only part of the much larger reality of our lives. Let's not hide... for our sakes, for the sakes of our loved ones, and for the sake of this hurting world. Because if we can summon enough courage to live in truth, pain will not have the final word. And resurrection will become much more than a theory.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
World Down Syndrome Day
HAPPY WORLD DOWN SYNDROME DAY TODAY - 3/21 is World Down Syndrome Day. The date was chosen because it points to the third chromosome that attaches to the 21st, causing Trisomy 21, or Down syndrome.
Why do we celebrate this day? Because it is a chance to recognize the giftedness and beauty of our Down syndrome children, and the eternally significant lessons they teach with their very beings. In a larger, deeper sense, though, we should also be celebrating this day because it makes a statement about the inherent value of human life...every human life.
Thank you God for our John Michael, the inspiration for so much including Stillpoint Family Resources. And thank you God for all special needs persons. Our world is a kinder, gentler place because of them.
Why do we celebrate this day? Because it is a chance to recognize the giftedness and beauty of our Down syndrome children, and the eternally significant lessons they teach with their very beings. In a larger, deeper sense, though, we should also be celebrating this day because it makes a statement about the inherent value of human life...every human life.
Thank you God for our John Michael, the inspiration for so much including Stillpoint Family Resources. And thank you God for all special needs persons. Our world is a kinder, gentler place because of them.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Attaching the card to the gift
Words matter, especially when it comes to loving: there is no getting around this fact. Love is just too powerful and too important to leave mute. In the midst of one memorable marriage therapy session, I had a husband actually say to me, in front of his wife: “I said I loved her on our wedding day, and if that ever changes, I’ll let her know.” Now, before you judge this man to be a complete jerk, let me say that he is actually a good man…verbally challenged, but a good man. He did many things that communicated love to his spouse and his kids, but these acts of charity were often lost in the busyness of everyday life. Working 50 hours a week in order to provide financial stability for her, responsibly putting away money for their retirement years, and remaining faithful to his wedding vows in mind and body were all ways he believed he was communicating love. And this was true. However, relationships are strengthened when words accompany deeds.
Words clarify intentions, and don’t leave too much open to interpretation (or mis-interpretation). When you give people gifts during the Holidays, you attach a card, right? You let them know who gave them the present by signing your name. Why? Probably because you want them to know you were thinking of them, caring about them, confirming that they matter to you. You don’t typically leave a package outside the doors to their rooms or their houses and silently slip away. The gift is nice, but what matters more (and lasts longer) is that the people receiving the gifts feel loved. Don’t leave them guessing. Say the words that affirm, “I love you,” and make sure your gift is received in the spirit it was given.
Consider your family members, starting with your spouse. How does your husband or wife know you’ve loved him or her today? “I fixed dinner, “I came straight home from work instead of going out with my co-workers,” “I washed the car,” “I did the grocery shopping”: attach an “I love you” to these deeds, and clarify what they meant to you, and what your partner means to you!
“My kids know I love them.” Really, how? Because you are planning for their futures, or paying for their piano lessons, or praying for them at night after they’ve gone to bed? These can all be statements of love, true, but your kids can’t read your mind. And even if they could, there is still something deeply formative about hearing you affirm their preciousness. They don’t always see the world the way you do. Their feelings are not your feelings. Don’t assume; “sign the card”.
Words clarify intentions, and don’t leave too much open to interpretation (or mis-interpretation). When you give people gifts during the Holidays, you attach a card, right? You let them know who gave them the present by signing your name. Why? Probably because you want them to know you were thinking of them, caring about them, confirming that they matter to you. You don’t typically leave a package outside the doors to their rooms or their houses and silently slip away. The gift is nice, but what matters more (and lasts longer) is that the people receiving the gifts feel loved. Don’t leave them guessing. Say the words that affirm, “I love you,” and make sure your gift is received in the spirit it was given.
Consider your family members, starting with your spouse. How does your husband or wife know you’ve loved him or her today? “I fixed dinner, “I came straight home from work instead of going out with my co-workers,” “I washed the car,” “I did the grocery shopping”: attach an “I love you” to these deeds, and clarify what they meant to you, and what your partner means to you!
“My kids know I love them.” Really, how? Because you are planning for their futures, or paying for their piano lessons, or praying for them at night after they’ve gone to bed? These can all be statements of love, true, but your kids can’t read your mind. And even if they could, there is still something deeply formative about hearing you affirm their preciousness. They don’t always see the world the way you do. Their feelings are not your feelings. Don’t assume; “sign the card”.
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